For those that haven’t heard the glorious news, Lindsay Lohan has begun writing a tell-all book! Not only is it a tell-all book that will include all the drugs, parties and blackouts we weren’t invited to, it is reported that LiLo started writing while she was in rehab! I’m mostly excited about the fact that she started penning her memoir in rehab because I’m 85% sure she was sober while there.
After hearing this news, I got to thinking about other celebrities who I would like to write their personal stories in book form. Obviously it is my duty to share these thoughts with my fan base.
Now this one would fly right up the best sellers list and help support Suri’s fashion addiction.
Who wouldn’t want to read about Katie and Tom Cruise’s marriage life, how Suri was conceived and the details of the covert plan to divorce Tom?! These thoughts keep me up at night.
I’m imagining Katie writing a truthful tale starting from how she met Tom, leading up to her life as a divorcee. Did Tom pick Katie out of a list of already selected brides or did they actually meet and fall in love? I heard that Jessica Alba said no and Katie was next on the list. If I was Katie, I’d be pissed I wasn’t number one.
I want to hear about the day-to-day, did Tom have someone babysitting Katie from the Scientologist camp, what’s it like to be a Scientologist, and IS TOM A GAY!? Jeez Tom, even Ricky Martin came out of the closet.
Some more questions I’d like the answers to include:
- Did Tom make Katie slouch in pictures because she towered over him? This is clearly a yes.
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how ridiculous was the couch jumping scene on Oprah? Hopefully an 11.
- Did Katie really get with Jamie Foxx? I sure hope so because I accidentally stumbled upon his birthday suit photos (thank you Internet) and I will definitely award Katie a point on that one.
I have always believed in Katie Holmes and I have always imagined her getting that role that will lead her down the path to Oscar gold. I’m so glad Tom is out of the picture. Now is her time to shine and get with some much younger dudes.
Don’t worry, I’ll get to part II eventually.
Kari is finally ready to speak on this matter. I thought talking in the 3rd person would give my statement more clout…
Anywho…since the glorious news of Katie and Tom’s divorce (#TeamKatie) broke last Friday, I knew without a doubt that Scientology played a substantial role. Let’s be real…any organization that has an aspect called auditing is bad news…and that includes the IRS.
As you can probably guess, I’ve been reading every article I set my pretty eyes on that contains the following words: Tom, Katie, Suri and even Tom’s other children that no one would recognize passing on the street. What I’ve been noticing is that many news outlets (okay, really just E! News) are speculating that Scientology played a role in the divorce. All I have to say is this…ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Of course Scientology played a role! Katie is such a good woman that she even tried to get into it. Remember that time Tom pulled Katie Holmes out in front of basically the whole world right after he jumped on Oprah’s couch? My beautiful flower had all these awkward growths on her face from some Scientology junk they made her drink. WTF Tom!?
Another obvious reason as to why I believe (and everyone else believes that Scientology played a role) is Suri. Little Suri needs to be educated and Tom wants to ship her off to the New Village Leadership Academy in Calabasas where their teaching revolves around “technology.” Since I imagine Suri growing up to be a fierce business woman or a fashionista, studying technology isn’t going to benefit her….it will just derail her potential.
Since Katie and myself were educated by the nuns while attending Catholic school…I believe that Suri should experience the same. While I have my issues with the Catholic school system, I believe I am a better woman for dodging the ruler beatings, learning to say the rosary at record speed, working on my arm muscles by carrying that bible EVERYWHERE, etc. I believe it does instill some valuable life skills which Suri can thrive from.
Finally, Scientology played a major in even locating Katie Holmes. There was an amazing article written by Andrew Morton in the “New York Post” titled, “How Katie was Cast to Play Tom Cruise’s Wife.” The article basically outlines Tom’s and the Church of Scientology’s quest to find him a suitable wife. Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Sofia Vergara were all targets to be his next wife. I highly suggest you read the article and see all of Tom’s creepy ways. My favorite line that Morton penned: “Wives may come and go. Scientology is forever.”
My closing remarks are as follows:
1. Team Katie
2. TTYN Tom
3. If Tom gets custody of Suri…our world as we know it is doomed. See the popular film “Independence Day” for clues on how to survive.
In the end…
Katie – I’m here for you boo. There is a room waiting for you in Scranton, PA. My mom will keep you and Suri safe…Carol isn’t afraid to deck a bitch!
P.S. So excited to see what young, hot man you start dating next! The options are endless!
but it has finally happened!
First of all…#TeamKatie
Don’t worry…I have a theory as to why TomKat’s marriage lasted as long as it did. While I’m gathering my thoughts and data and putting them into the idea machine, I wanted to leave you with this photo.
P.S. Matt Lauer…you’re next!
Ladies and gentlemen…it’s time to strap on your fanciest pair of heels…it’s Suri’s birthday.
The fashion-forward offspring of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise has turned six-years-old today! I can’t believe it’s been six years…goodness I’m getting old.
Every year that goes by Suri is (thankfully) looking more and more like my second-in-command spiritual goddess – Katie Holmes.
Suri – I’ve been patiently waiting for my invite to your birthday party…I’m actually typing this blog post next to the mailbox right now. Did my invite get lost in the mail again?
Hi, my name is Kari and I want to be a part of a dance off.
I believe what sparked my love for the dance off was when I witnessed Julia Stiles dominate in “Save the Last Dance.” This is long overdue, but must be said…Thank you Julia for giving me the confidence to back that ass up.
Whether it be at a bar, in the middle of the street or any flat surface, I want to be involved and I bet you do too. Below are some of my favise dance offs.
Leave it to the Wayans brothers to pull off an amazing dance off scene. “White Chicks” stars the brothers as two FBI agents who impersonate ladies in order to solve a case. You’re probably thinking how ridiculous that sounds…but I pinky swear…this movie is hil.ar.ious.
P.S. keep an eye out for Busy Philipps and Jennifer Carpenter.
If you didn’t think the Wayans brothers were going to win…slap yourself in the face.
‘Lose My Breath’ – Destiny’s Child
It’s classy Beyoncé vs. gangster Beyoncé. First of all, can there even be a winner in this scenario? Second of all, why are you still reading this and not watching the video?
When I dream about dance offs, this is exactly how I picture them. In the Destiny’s Child scenario, I would probably take on the role of Michelle. I already rock a white jumpsuit every Thursday…gotta be on point for my ethics class. You dig it?
Britney Spears vs. Austin Powers
It’s Britney Spears!
While many harass and harangue Britney for her singing abilities…you can’t take away the fact that this bitch can dance and look good while doing it.
Sadly, this round goes to Austin. I do have one question though…how do I get bullets to shoot out of my breasts?
J.Lo vs. Tom Cruise
He is really making Katie Holmes proud with this one. Even though I do not endorse Tom Cruise at all…he does have some appeal when he embodies Les Grossman.
I deem J.Lo the winner…she is from da Bronx after all.
Catch you on the flip side.
The E! network is running ads for a “Seasons-So-Far” marathon. It’s purpose…to catch me up with the Kardashians…obvi. Because E! never, ever airs repeats of “Kourtney & Kim Take New York,” I’m grateful to the executives at E! for giving me this Xmas miracle.
As you all know, I am destined to work for E!, so why not start giving them a few of my reality show suggestions now. Here is my second pick for Celebrities I Wish had a Reality Show.
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise (TomKat)
A show of hands please…who wouldn’t want to catch a glimpse into the world of TomKat? My suspicions were correct…everyone wants to know what goes inside the castle of Tom and Katie.
In their home, I imagine a lot of weird strobe lights and L. Ron Hubbard reading the book of Dianetics to Suri…because Tom resurrected him from the dead…duh.
- No one has forgotten.
- I love Katie Holmes too, but I’m not jumping on couches during the Oprah show. I do it in the privacy of my own home!
Now, we have all heard the rumors that Katie isn’t eating because she’s depressed, Tom is an out-of-control Scientologist who forced Katie into the cult, Tom is gay, etc. etc. It’s a very long list of rumors (or truths) and the only way to find out what’s real is by bringing in a camera crew!
I envision the reality show being called “TomKat: Welcome to the Jungle” and it would have to air on E! so there could be a crossover episode with the Kardashians. Mason and Suri could have a playdate while Khloe beats the daylights out of Tom and Rob takes Katie out and shows her a good time.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t think the TomKat union was going to last this long. I was onboard the U.S.S TomKat because it was supposed to give Katie the boost she needed to gain Oscar glory. Since that has not happened, I am over and done with the relationship…but I would watch the reality show and I would become a Scientologist if they gave me one of those rubbery bracelet thingys.
Katie – Happy belated birthday! I have loved you pre-Tom and I will love you post-Tom. Get it girl.
For my final installation of celebrity couples that I’d want to be adopted by, I have chosen a couple that (I feel) many wouldn’t normally choose. I think a large majority would actually run in the opposite direction of this famed pair. Well, they wouldn’t be running from the lady of the house, they would be running from the man. I’ll give you a hint…”help me, help you.”
Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise
If you are a regular visitor to this blog, you know that Katie Holmes is one of three people I would take a bullet for. If you are not a regular visitor…shame on you!
Let’s hop into the time machine I bought on eBay and go back to 2005. I remember coming home from catholic school and my mom (Carol <3) told me that she heard Katie Holmes was dating Tom Cruise! I recall my head spinning around.
I thought, “Hey, this will give Katie the boost she needs into the spotlight she deserves.” Little did I know she was going to marry and give birth to his spawn. Ugh.
There is no need to go into the reasons why I think Katie should drop his Scientology-crazed ass…remember when Tom was allegedly administering ultra sounds to a pregnant Katie? I wont even touch the placenta rumor.
Let’s get back on track here. The number two reason why I want to be brought into the Cruise/Holmes household would be to witness all the crazy shit that goes on. I would find out the answers to such queries as:
- Does Katie only eat carrots?
- Is Suri really Tom’s spawn?
- Was Tom caught in a compromising position with Matchbox 20 lead singer, Rob Thomas all those years ago?
- How tall is Tom?
I would also love to get inside those Scientology Centers and raise hell. I would never get in trouble because I would state, “My adopted dad is your fearless leader and personal bank. One plus about being adopted by these two, Suri would make it her personal mission to turn me into a fierce dresser.