I was blessed again this year receiving a few books from Santa. This year I was given “Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me” by Chelsea’s family and friends and “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)” by Mindy Kaling.
Santa typically brings me a few books every year. I figure he probably thinks one of two things:
1. She really needs to learn how to read.
2. Someone give this girl something productive to do besides dancing around her room all day.
So I have decided to share with you my favorite books written by celebrities.
‘How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale’ – Jenna Jameson
I’ll be honest, I picked up this book solely because of the title. As you should know, Jenna Jameson is a porn queen. Hey, a girl has to pay the bills somehow.
Jenna’s real name is Jenna Marie Massoli and that is one of the billions of things she reveals in her autobiography.
Even though I was slightly disappointed that it was a more biographical story then a guidebook, Jenna did us ladies a solid and gave us her ten commandments of dating and sex! My favorite: pineapple does a world of good.
From reading this book, I learned that Jenna has had a tough life and that’s putting it lightly. From abusive boyfriends, debilitating drug addictions and crawling her way to the top of the porn industry, Jenna has had quite the ride so far.
One of my favorite parts of the book was her tryst with the one and scary Marilyn Manson. I recall Jenna saying that Manson was a fan of “the C word” and by C word, she meant cuddle. Who would have thunk it?
If you haven’t had the pleasure of reading Jenna’s book, Oprah comes to the rescue again and provides the first chapter on her website. I’m warning you now, you’ll probably have to buy the book immediately after…it’s just that good.
I have read my share of biographies and at almost 600 pages, I finished this tale in about 2 weeks. That’s a personal best. I also gave this bible, I mean book to anyone that wanted to borrow it, even strangers. See, Jenna brings people together and not just in a creepy porn way.
Jenna – Thank you for sharing your story. If you ever need a friend to go to a pole dancing class…I can be ready in 6.7 minutes.
While I’m still pouring through all of the fan mail and emails about your favise stripper jams (kidding), I have decided now is that time to conclude my Speaking of Strippers series.
The musical genre for this post is pop music…my specialty!
‘Can’t Be Tamed’ – Miley Cyrus
As we all know…Miss Cyrus is no stranger to pole dancing…so choosing a jam by this pop singer is a wise choice. The classy lady who chose Miley shall be called…Queen Bee and for those who don’t know, she can get a bit crazy…just like Miley!
In another life, I could see Miley being a very popular/entertaining exotic dancer. Her real name is Destiny Hope for goodness sakes!
Side note: I would take it as a compliment if someone said I would be a very popular/entertaining exotic dancer. I think it’s a skill you are born with.
As for Queen Bee’s performance…I see the dance starting out in a birdcage…just like the music video. When the chorus hits…the money will be flying out of the customer’s hands! Work it…like a glass of water.
Lyrics that exotic dancers would probably be proud of: “I go through guys like money flyin’ out the hands/They try to change me but they realize they can’t/And every tomorrow is a day I never plan/If you’re gonna be my man understand/I can’t be tamed”
Take a listen and remember…she’s just being Miley.
‘Umbrella’ – Rihanna
The final song one of my friends chose incase she decides to change to a more exotic career is “Umbrella.” This young lady picked the exotic dancer name…The Professor. Now that’s legit.
“Umbrella” is a very upbeat song that allows for one very special prop onstage…an umbrella…duh. I imagine The Professor’s routine including many umbrellas’ and handing them out…a nice parting gift for the customers.
I picture the “Umbrella” routine not only encompassing umbrellas, but also a shit ton of glitter. I have a feeling that if you add real water to the routine…the results might be less than favorable. I’m just trying to protect The Professor since I’m unsure if this career offers benefits.
Lyrics that exotic dancers would probably be proud of: Now that it’s raining more than ever/Know that we’ll still have each other/You can stand under my umbrella/You can stand under my umbrella
Watch and learn from Rihanna.
Well, that concludes my Speaking of Strippers series. If you are looking for additional information on this career path, I highly recommend “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star” by Jenna Jameson. It will change your life.