It’s Britney’s Birthday, Bitch!

Photo Courtesy:

Happy 30th birthday, Britney! These last 30 years have been magical and I cannot wait for the next 30.

Oh yea, call me!

Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay

In lieu of a Celebrity Top 3 post, my focus is on the one and only La Lohan.

Lindsay bares all?

Photo Courtesy:

It’s amazing to me that Lohan is getting so much press and she doesn’t even have a damn job!

I guess I’ll start with the Playboy shoot. Yes, you read correctly…Lohan will be on the cover and inside the pages of the January/February issue of Playboy. The “Mean Girls” star had to pose in her birthday suit not once, but twice because Hef didn’t think the first round of pictures were up to his Playboy standards. o0o0o0 burn.

“The pictorial is absolutely fantastic and very tasteful, and will be accompanied by an interview that will let readers see another side of Lindsay,” according to Lohan’s rep Steve Honig (boy does he have his work cut out for him).

I do recall a little after the first round of pictures were taken, it was rumored that Lindsay was bearing the big three…if you don’t know what three body parts I’m referring to, please ask a parent or guardian.

Alas, it looks like Lohan chickened out and it’s been reported that she won’t be completely nude.

Lindsay – No one is going to buy the issue now…I think a majority of America has already seen you partially nude.

Lindsay crashes a party?

Photo Courtesy:

Now I have been following Lindsay and her antics for quite some time and have never been personally offended by any of her actions. But this time, you went too far Lindsay!

Let me explain. Last Thursday there was an after party for Leo DiCarpio’s (sooo handsome) new film “J. Edgar.” It has been reported that Lohan hauled ass into the party without an invite and made the other famous guests feel “uncomfortable.”

Of course Lindsay says she had an invite and complained so much that they finally let her in. The New York Post writes about one source that heard Lindsay tell security “I have to go and see Leo.” Yea I bet he wanted to see you too.

The New York Post also claims that Lindsay sent over one of her posse to ask for a picture with Leo. His security wasn’t having any of that and turned Lindsay away.

She huffed and puffed and made everyone feel awkward. In the words of Regina George…boo you whore.

Free Lohan…again?

Photo Courtesy:

Welp Lindsay was sentenced to go back to jail. This time around, she was awarded 30 days in the slammer for violating her probation.

Lindsay strolled into Lynwood Dentition Facility at 8:48 p.m. on Sunday and strolled back out at 1:35 a.m. It was such a short stay that I didn’t even get to place my bet on how long she would be in the clink.

Side note: Last Lohan jail sentence…I won my office pool of $12. Like a boss.

After being freed, Lohan hopped into an Escalade and was home by 2 a.m. It was sort of like she went to the bar and was home by closing time. No big deal.

“She’s treated like every other inmate who has gone through similar circumstances,” County sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said. Yea okay.

Attention: Lohan is on the loose…protect your children and pets.

If celebs ruled ‘The Real World’

Photo Courtesy:

Yes, I’m one of those people that still watches “The Real World.” I wish that I bought or stole a video camera so I could film my life and get my ass on that damn show. Who doesn’t want to put their life on hold for three months and drink on national television?

Last evening was the start of the 26th season of…dare I say…the first reality show. The cast has been relocated to San Diego…the same place that season 14 was filmed. MTV – get it together and pick new cities.

Anywho, “The Real World” got me thinking. What if we placed celebrities in a house and filmed what happened? Don’t even think about saying “The Surreal Life,” I’m talking real celebrities and not Mini Me. As you all know, there are classic “Real World” stereotypes. I will attempt to fill them with the appropriate celebs and magically create an unforgettable season.

Vin Diesel

Photo Courtesy:

I would cast this street racer as the crazy drunk guy that beats people and/or walls. Every season has that guy who is intoxicated 94.8% of the time. A more recent example being, Adam from Las Vegas part II.

Adam had one too many at the bar…gets kicked out of a Las Vegas bar (I didn’t even know that could happen) and goes up to their suite and starts throwing glass and swinging at various roommates.

Whether or not Vin is a big partier, he’s got that bad boy twinkle in his eye. I can see him at the club dancing and having a good time…when he gets back to the house…ripping doors off hinges in a fit of rage. I wish I could be there to watch him rage out with his shirt off.

Julia Stiles

Photo Courtesy:

I would cast this beauty as the girl who is single and ready to mingle, but has a 4.0 GPA. Almost every season, there is a lady on the show who likes to hit the town, but doesn’t become Snooki after a few cocktails.

This description reminds me from Kelley from New Orleans part I. She was the cool girl that everyone got along with. One evening while out at the bar, Kelley meets and scores a doctor …jackpot! After that gift from Jesus, Kelley was rarely seen on the season and I don’t blame her.

Julia Stiles would fit very nicely into this role. She earned an English Lit degree from Columbia University and can bust out sweet dances moves that will give you whiplash.

Julia describes herself as a feminist and she wrote an article in “The Guardian” back in 2004 about the roles she has taken on and what it means in our society.

Julia – you’re so smart, I feel like you would have the most inspiring moments in the confessional.

Tara Reid

Photo Courtesy:

Of course you need the girl who lives to party. There are just too many Real World alums to mention that have taken on this role with great pride. Many celebs came to mind while choosing this member for the celeb cast…Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Courtney Love…

Why did I choose Tara? Remember that time she lost her front tooth, glued it back in and continued to party?! She was so dedicated to the cause that she reportedly glued her own tooth back in. Paris and Lindsay – you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I was doing a little reading on Miss Reid and found out an interesting tidbit…she was born and raised in Jersey. If the whole tooth debacle didn’t convince you that Tara has earned the position as house partier, her home state should.

Tara – I won’t ever get over the tooth thing, but I would still like to party with you and live to tell the story.

Of course there is more…stay tuned!

Celebs you’ll see while vacationing in Hell

Even though I graduated from a catholic high school, I’ve been continually told that I am going to hell in a handbasket. I just don’t understand why they charge all that cash money to go to catholic school if they don’t give you a “Going to Heaven” voucher.

Anywho, in preparation for my trip to the hot tropical island they call hell, I’ve been thinking about what celebrities I will most likely bump into on my “vacation.”

Disclaimer: I’m not saying these celebrities are definitely going to hell, just that I might bump into them. Please don’t sue; my counsel is still in law school.

Tommy Lee

Photo Courtesy:

First of all, I feel like I’ve been living a lie. Did anyone else know Tommy Lee’s last name was Bass? I wonder if he has any relation to the Bass that was in pop supergroup ‘Nsync…

Anywho, this strapping middle-aged man has fulfilled the quota of things to accomplish in order to be ordained a “bad boy.”

  • Tommy was in a rock band…Mötley Crüe
  • 84.7% of his body is covered in tattoos
  • He’s been divorced three times (on par with J.Lo). Ex wives include: Elaine Bergen, Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson
  • Served 4 months in the big house for pleading no contest to kicking (not kidding) Pam while she was holding one of their children
  • The final nail in the bad boy coffin…the leaked sex tape

Since I plan on partying for all eternity, it would be good to have someone like Tommy Lee around. I’m sure he can throw a kickass social gathering and I wouldn’t mind looking at Tommy till the end of time.

Kathy Griffin

Photo Courtesy:

Hailing from Oak Park, Illinois, we all know Kathy as the comedian who makes a living by ripping celebrities to shreds. Make no mistake, Kathy has paid her dues and you can read about every single one in the autobiographical tale, “Official Book Club Selection.”

Kathy has gotten herself into some hot water by flapping those gums. She basically says whatever she wants…that’s why I love her. A few of the controversies Kathy has stirred up include:

  • A ban from “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” and being rebanned from “The View”
  • Getting fired from red-carpet interviewing duties by E!. The D-List star made a remark about Dakota Fanning entering rehab…at age 11. That was obviously a joke…no need to get fired over.
  • I think what really put the icing on the devil’s cake for Kathy was her 2007 Emmy acceptance speech. The comedians reality show, “My Life on the D-List” made her Emmy dreams come true. Kathy stated, “a lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me a bit…” Def not the way to get through those pearly gates.

Kathy – I LOL at everything that you do. Don’t let the haters bring you down.

Colin Farrell

Photo Courtesy:

I fully believe this man inspired Britney’s lyrics for her cameo on Rihanna’s “S&M (Remix).” The part I’m referring to is when she sings “Just one night full of sin/Feel the pain on your skin.” Why do I say this?

Remember that time back in 2003 when these two lovebirds were spotted together. While Colin said “we’re just mates and we’re not dating,” that doesn’t mean other things didn’t occur.

Besides that, Colin has a few more indiscretions on his record:

  • Propositioning Dame Eileen Atkins for sex. Mind you, she was 70 at the time. She turned him down and Colin has no shame admitting this
  • A stint in rehab for his addiction to pain killers, among other drugs
  • Filming a movie with his ex-girlfriend, Nicole Narain that was supposed to be private (wink, wink). When are they going to learn, these things never stay private. Colin ended up suing Narain for allegedly leaking the tape
  • Farrell was also sued two times for sending demeaning messages to Dessarae Bradford. Did I mention what Dessarae’s occupation was? She was/is a “telephone sex worker”

Colin – I certainty wouldn’t mind running into you while in hell. Hopefully we will both be at the bar. If you decide to buy me a drink…I won’t say no and I won’t bring up the time you harassed a telephone sex worker.

Guess which partners in crime have reunited?

Photo Courtesy:

No words are really necessary, but rumor has it Lohan was spotted out with Paris three nights in a row. Along with that, Lindsay was caught leaving Paris’ house at 4 a.m.

This. Can. Only. Lead. To. Epic. Things!


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 215 other followers