If you’re like me, you wonder a lot of things throughout the day. For example:
- “Did I remember to put pants on?”
- “Carrie Underwood thinks Jesus can drive…but does he have a license?”
- “Where the hell has Paris Hilton been?”
While I don’t have all the answers in life, I do have the answer to number three.
Paris Hilton has been in the recording studio…duh. The heiress has released a new single and it’s called “Drunk Text.” Just by the name alone…I knew this was going to be magical.
What makes Hilton’s new single so bad that it’s good…the song is described as a “spoken word techno” jam. Our favorite heiress does not sing, but speaks the lyrics.
Sorry everyone! The video keeps being removed from the interweb. As soon as I find a stable link…I’ll post it!
On a scale of one to magical…I’m going to give this unicorn status. This song (if I can even call it that) will be burned into my memory forever. I already know that when I am 98 years old and definitely a bingo champion, I will still be asking…”Remember that time Paris Hilton released a spoken word single?”
Favise spoken lyrics:
“I went out to the club the other night to, you know, dance with my bitches” AND “You take the word sex and mix it with texting/It’s called sexting/But when you add drunk sexting/the words just don’t make sense”
When it comes to songs that involve texting, drinks and da club…while it was a close call…the award must go to Lady GaGa. She best expressed her feelings when she said “Just a second/It’s my favorite song they’re gonna play/And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh?”
Paris – I can’t believe I’m going to say this but maybe you should stick to singing.
No, your eyes aren’t tricking you. I have actually chosen Paris Hilton as my final celebrity who could be president. You may be wondering why I picked the ultimate socialite as a potential candidate for the highest office in the land.
Well…it’s because she ran a pretty awesome campaign last time around, so why vote this bitch in?
In case you forgot, John McCain (the one who lost) decided to compare Barack Obama to some of my favise celebs…Britney and Paris. In yet another mudslinging campaign ad, McCain accused Obama of being “the biggest celebrity in the world.” Then having the nerve to ask “is he (Barack) ready to lead?” Ugh. McCain…you’re just jealous.
Britney probably didn’t realized she was in the damn ad, but Paris did. When the socialite got word of this, she decided that to kick off her presidential campaign. Hilton released a response to the McCain ad that took the interweb by storm.
- “That wrinkly white haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for president.”
- “I’ll see you at the debates, bitches.”
- “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick out a vice president. I’m thinking Rihanna.”
- I’m Paris Hilton and I approve this message because I think it’s totally hot.”
In the midst of all that jabber, Paris did lay down a pretty good plan for the energy crisis. Maybe she is smart after all and it’s all just a façade. That would be the greatest mind blow ever.
In another campaign clip, Paris sought the advice of one of the greatest presidents of our time…Martin Sheen!
Paris laid out her plans for Iraq and the economy…saying such wise things as:
- “Fopo” aka Foreign policy
- “Well this is the biggest depression since The Notebook.”
- “See you at the fake inauguration bitches.”
The diva even went as far as to release a song/music video titled, “Paris for President.” If that doesn’t say leader, I don’t know what does.
Favise lyrics: “Your commander in a bikini” / “Look at Bush it can’t be that hard” / “The real maverick in D.C.”
Paris – I give you boatloads of credit for this. You got my vote bitch <3
No words are really necessary, but rumor has it Lohan was spotted out with Paris three nights in a row. Along with that, Lindsay was caught leaving Paris’ house at 4 a.m.
This. Can. Only. Lead. To. Epic. Things!
Poor Blake Lively. Most of the world has probably seen her naked already. I wonder if her rumored new boyfriend Jack Dawson… I mean Leo DiCaprio has taken a peak at the pics. While Lively’s camp is still denying the picture’s authenticity, it seems that we the people do not care whether or not they are real. If the pictures aren’t of Lively, the girl is a spitting image of the “Gossip Girl” star.
This nude scandal has inspired me to reminisce about previous scandals that do not involve clothes. Hold onto your pants!
“1 Night in Paris”
Let’s be real. You can’t talk about naked scandals without talking about Paris Hilton’s starring role in “1 Night in Paris.” Released in 2004, the tape shows 62 minutes of Paris and her ex-boyfriend, Rick Salomon consummating their relationship.
Interviewed by the British version of “GQ,” Paris stated, “I never received a dime from the video. It’s just dirty money and (Salomon) should give it all to some charity for the sexually abused or something. To be honest, I don’t even think about it any more.” Regardless of whether Paris still thinks about the tape or not, it did get noticed by the AVN Awards, which is the Academy Awards of porn. “1 Night in Paris” won Top Renting Release of the Year.
Look at him now
Oh Chris Brown. Not only did you hurt our precious Rihanna, we have also seen what your mama gave you. Personally, I would have rather see T.I. in his birthday suit than Chris Brown, but I’ll take what I can get.
Rumor has it that an ex-girlfriend of his leaked the photo of Brown. While the “Kiss,Kiss” singer was in the process of trying to erase the previous scandal that he got himself into, the naked scandal seemed to have come at the right time.
I do have to say this about what horrible thing he did to Rihanna: We. Will. Never. Forget. Bitch.
Back in 2009, a very interesting picture of Jamie Foxx hit the web. He was wearing nothing but a do-rag. While we all know once a nude pic hits the web, usually the celebrity immediately denies that it’s them in the picture.
What is rare in this case of celebrity nude scandals is that Jamie Foxx readily admitted that it was him in the photo. Foxx admitted that the reason he took the picture was for his make-up artist for a before and after shot of his physical training.
The photo was hacked and broadcasted for all to see. Jamie, I’m blushing…
There you have it folks. As Reese Witherspoon said at the 2011 MTV Movie Awards, “if you take naked pictures with your cell phone, hide your face.”
Now is the time of year when students are graduating and heading off into the “real world.” Right before graduating from college, my friends and I would reminisce by kicking around our favorite “Remember Whens.” In honor of all the graduating students, we want to share our favorite celebrity remember whens.
Remember when Paris, Lindsay, and Britney were friends?
Towards the end of 2006, Britney Spears was single and ready to mingle. Spears teamed up with Paris Hilton, who was known for dancing on tables and Lindsay Lohan who was a veteran to the party scene. It was the hot mess express coming through.
The girls were seen at clubs, cruising around all night and showing up at celebrity hot spots like the Beverly Hills Hotel. While many expected this behavior from Hilton and Lohan, many were surprised to see Spears alongside them. She is a mother of two boys. Sadly, the dream team couldn’t last forever. Spears ended up in rehab and in an emotional blackout, Hilton was thrown into the slammer, and Lohan was incarcerated and tossed into rehab!
Remember when Ben Affleck was going to marry J.Lo?
We all recall when Ben Affleck tried to fool us by marrying Jennifer Lopez. I’m not saying he wasn’t good enough for her, but their relationship felt weird. Dubbed by the media as “Bennifer” the couple attracted worldwide media attention when they began dating in 2002. Meeting on the set of “GiGi,” the couple was soon engaged and set to marry in September of 2003. A few hours before the ceremony, the wedding was called off and they officially split in January 2004.
We have to give it to these two; they did last longer than anyone ever imagined. J.Lo made sure we would remember “Bennifer” forever. Affleck made a cameo appearance in her “Jenny from the Block” video and she even wrote a song for her man, titled “Dear Ben.” A classy slow jam, J.Lo proclaims lyrics such as “I love you, you’re perfect/a manifestation of my dreams.” I bet Affleck’s current wife, Jennifer Garner isn’t a fan of “American Idol” anymore.
Remember When Ashlee Simpson got caught lip-syncing on SNL?
In 2004, Ashlee Simpson, sister of Jessica, was the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live,” the keyword being live. Simpson was set to perform a different song, but “Pieces of Me” started playing instead. Suddenly the audience heard Simpson singing but she wasn’t moving her lips! Gasp!
When Simpson realized what happened, she began to move awkwardly and then just walked off stage. Cut to the end of “Saturday Night Live,” Simpson and host, Jude Law, attempted to smooth this over. “What can I say it’s live TV,” said Law, while Simpson tried to blame her band. This was the beginning of the end of Simpson’s music career.
While there are thousands of “Remember Whens” that could be shared, here are just a few of my favorites. Here’s to looking forward to many more celebrity moments that we won’t forget. Remember celebrities, we are watching.