Oh boy…Oprah is going to be pissed about this one!
In case you haven’t heard, Lindsay Lohan has come through for us again…in a big, big way! She allegedly wrote down all the dudes she slept with and somehow InTouch Weekly “obtained a copy.”
The list was allegedly written on January 30, 2013 at the Beverly Hills Hotel and Lindsay was allegedly there with friends and allegedly wrote down all 36 of her conquests. After showing off the list, she casually tossed it aside and someone scooped it up and skipped right to the InTouch Weekly office.
I would now like to share my thoughts on a few of the men who Herbied Lindsay (get it?).
Joaquin Phoenix aka J. Phoenix
I’m really hoping this was in his “I’m Still Here” phase where he grew that crazy beard and went all crazy. I’m going to throw this out there and say he must have got his hands on that bad batch of molly that was floating around Philadelphia a few months ago. I mean that would be the only logical explanation as to why Joaquin retired from acting after winning an Oscar to become a rap star. I can actually see Linds being down with that, you know, because I know her.
Just remember…Britney hit that first.
Zac Efron aka Zack Effron
I have two points I’d like to make about this:
2. Well, at least she knew his name…that’s really all we can ask for.
I pretty much thought all of the dudes Lindsay listed were legit until I saw Timberlake. I’m sure billions of women around the world say they have slept with Justin, but I really can’t see our girl Linds closing the deal on this one. I will say that I really hope this burns Jessica Biel! Why do I say that? Because he belongs with BRITNEY! I mean how many times do I have to say it!? Biel…step aside!
Anywho, there were some other famous dudes named on the list, such as Adam Levine, Max George (That guy from The Wanted) and even James Franco. A lot of the names were blurred…I’m sure in three days time all will be revealed.
For those that haven’t heard the glorious news, Lindsay Lohan has begun writing a tell-all book! Not only is it a tell-all book that will include all the drugs, parties and blackouts we weren’t invited to, it is reported that LiLo started writing while she was in rehab! I’m mostly excited about the fact that she started penning her memoir in rehab because I’m 85% sure she was sober while there.
After hearing this news, I got to thinking about other celebrities who I would like to write their personal stories in book form. Obviously it is my duty to share these thoughts with my fan base.
Now this one would fly right up the best sellers list and help support Suri’s fashion addiction.
Who wouldn’t want to read about Katie and Tom Cruise’s marriage life, how Suri was conceived and the details of the covert plan to divorce Tom?! These thoughts keep me up at night.
I’m imagining Katie writing a truthful tale starting from how she met Tom, leading up to her life as a divorcee. Did Tom pick Katie out of a list of already selected brides or did they actually meet and fall in love? I heard that Jessica Alba said no and Katie was next on the list. If I was Katie, I’d be pissed I wasn’t number one.
I want to hear about the day-to-day, did Tom have someone babysitting Katie from the Scientologist camp, what’s it like to be a Scientologist, and IS TOM A GAY!? Jeez Tom, even Ricky Martin came out of the closet.
Some more questions I’d like the answers to include:
- Did Tom make Katie slouch in pictures because she towered over him? This is clearly a yes.
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how ridiculous was the couch jumping scene on Oprah? Hopefully an 11.
- Did Katie really get with Jamie Foxx? I sure hope so because I accidentally stumbled upon his birthday suit photos (thank you Internet) and I will definitely award Katie a point on that one.
I have always believed in Katie Holmes and I have always imagined her getting that role that will lead her down the path to Oscar gold. I’m so glad Tom is out of the picture. Now is her time to shine and get with some much younger dudes.
Don’t worry, I’ll get to part II eventually.
Has our little jail-bird been let out of her cage for good? Almost.
La Lohan appeared in court today and finally got some good news. Judge Sautner took Lohan off probation, which stems back all the way to her 2007 DUI arrest.
According to Us Weekly, Lindsay said “Oh My God” when she heard the good word that Judge Sautner passed her way.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…Lohan is still on probation for that darn necklace incident. Boo you whore.
Yes…I stayed home on Saturday night and watched Lindsay Lohan’s “comeback” on SNL. Yes…I will share my thoughts.
- Lohan looked on point and was seemingly sober…you go girl!
- The “Mean Girls” star poked fun at herself…I endorse this.
- I think Lohan’s best moment on SNL was the “Disney Housewives” skit, which was not live.
- The second best skit was “House Sitting.” Let’s be honest…Kristen Wiig stole the spotlight on this one.
- Even though the critics are saying Lohan didn’t do so hot (for example: reading cue cards) I am giving her five thumbs up! She did a…dare I say…classy job.
Generally speaking, I have many favorite Lohan moments, but I would like to share one in particular…Let’s bring it back to the singing career.
Ahh yes…”Rumors.” What a great song to sing while you are on a road trip in your car…alone.
Lohan revealed a lot about herself in this song/music video:
- She’s tired of rumors starting and she’s sick of being followed
- She likes to dance provocatively in elevators…first thing we have in common
- She’s gonna live her life and not the way we want her to…yea we got that memo
- Lohan climbed into a bird cage way before Miley did
- She leaves da club the same way I do…via helicopter…second thing we have in common
Dear Lindsay, Here is me wishing you a successful comeback. I’m so glad you’re clawing your way out of the ginormous, Grand Canyon-like hole you have plummeted into. I’m so elated that it’s not “Over.” Love, Kari
In lieu of a Celebrity Top 3 post, my focus is on the one and only La Lohan.
Lindsay bares all?
It’s amazing to me that Lohan is getting so much press and she doesn’t even have a damn job!
I guess I’ll start with the Playboy shoot. Yes, you read correctly…Lohan will be on the cover and inside the pages of the January/February issue of Playboy. The “Mean Girls” star had to pose in her birthday suit not once, but twice because Hef didn’t think the first round of pictures were up to his Playboy standards. o0o0o0 burn.
“The pictorial is absolutely fantastic and very tasteful, and will be accompanied by an interview that will let readers see another side of Lindsay,” according to Lohan’s rep Steve Honig (boy does he have his work cut out for him).
I do recall a little after the first round of pictures were taken, it was rumored that Lindsay was bearing the big three…if you don’t know what three body parts I’m referring to, please ask a parent or guardian.
Alas, it looks like Lohan chickened out and it’s been reported that she won’t be completely nude.
Lindsay – No one is going to buy the issue now…I think a majority of America has already seen you partially nude.
Lindsay crashes a party?
Now I have been following Lindsay and her antics for quite some time and have never been personally offended by any of her actions. But this time, you went too far Lindsay!
Let me explain. Last Thursday there was an after party for Leo DiCarpio’s (sooo handsome) new film “J. Edgar.” It has been reported that Lohan hauled ass into the party without an invite and made the other famous guests feel “uncomfortable.”
Of course Lindsay says she had an invite and complained so much that they finally let her in. The New York Post writes about one source that heard Lindsay tell security “I have to go and see Leo.” Yea I bet he wanted to see you too.
The New York Post also claims that Lindsay sent over one of her posse to ask for a picture with Leo. His security wasn’t having any of that and turned Lindsay away.
She huffed and puffed and made everyone feel awkward. In the words of Regina George…boo you whore.
Welp Lindsay was sentenced to go back to jail. This time around, she was awarded 30 days in the slammer for violating her probation.
Lindsay strolled into Lynwood Dentition Facility at 8:48 p.m. on Sunday and strolled back out at 1:35 a.m. It was such a short stay that I didn’t even get to place my bet on how long she would be in the clink.
Side note: Last Lohan jail sentence…I won my office pool of $12. Like a boss.
After being freed, Lohan hopped into an Escalade and was home by 2 a.m. It was sort of like she went to the bar and was home by closing time. No big deal.
“She’s treated like every other inmate who has gone through similar circumstances,” County sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said. Yea okay.
Attention: Lohan is on the loose…protect your children and pets.
Ne-Yo baby #2…huh?!
Woah…hold the phone! I have been blindsided by the news of Ne-Yo having not one, but two children. I feel betrayed, Ne-Yo!
This news has propelled me to dig deeper into this fedora-wearing gentleman’s life. Get ready for another mind blow…Ne-Yo is not the name listed on his birth certificate! I’ll give you have a minute to deal with this.
Okay, apparently Ne-Yo’s name is actually Shaffer Chimere Smith, Jr. and he’s from Arkansas. Was anyone else picturing him to be from the ATL?
It’s one mind blow after another with this man…he also has a girlfriend/baby mama named Monyetta Shaw. Ne-Yo’s lady gave birth to Madilyn Grace Smith (their first child) Nov. 12, 2010. Not waiting a very long time for baby numero dos, Shaw gave birth to the couple’s second child, Mason Evan Smith, last Sunday.
Ne-Yo – the façade is over. That is all.
Lohan’s Wrecked Grill
If it couldn’t get any worse…Lohan’s grill is officially jacked. This bitch has been through a lot…countless drunken nights, rage-filled benders, jail, court, Samantha Ronson, etc. Through it all, Lohan always had her pearly whites…sadly, not anymore.
Last Wednesday, Lindsay attended the THQ launch party and strutted her way down the red carpet. I will give her this…she looked pretty good in her black dress, tanned skin and blonde weave. Once you get to the grill, I’m warning you…whiplash may occur!
According to her brave rep, “Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers,” Steve Honig, tells PEOPLE.
I don’t know who Lindsay’s publicist is or why (at this point) she is even still paying them, but after this stunt…she/he should. be. fired!
Lindsay – Get some Crest white strips. Let me just say, while Britney did shave her head…she never left the house with jacked up teeth.
Beyoncé’s baby bump not real?!
A video surfaced on the web claiming to show Beyoncé’s baby bump deflating…ruh oh.
The interweb blew up with rumors pointing the finger at the singer (rhyme…point) saying that her pregnancy was fake. There are a few things I know in life and one of them is…you do not defy Mrs. Beyoncé Hova. She could put you six feet under from the other side of the globe.
The rumors became so vicious, that Beyonce’s people were forced to comment. According to ABCNews.com, “Beyoncé’s publicist Yvette Noel-Schure gave a statement to ABCNews.com in response to the prosthetic belly reports: “Stupid, ridiculous and false.” That’s all that needs to be said.
This beauty is a living legend…you can look but don’t touch. No really, she’ll probably kick your ass.
Since Betty has been actively acting since 1949, my memory is a little fuzzy on that portion of her life…so I’ll stick with the past few years.
Betty White has been killing it. She is currently starring on the sitcom “Hot in Cleveland” and if I do say so myself, she is the hottest lady on the show.
Along with her sitcom, she was a write-in candidate to host SNL. Over 300,000 fans joined a Facebook campaign called “Betty White to Host SNL (please?)!” The fans won and Betty did a great/hilarious job as host. They even scheduled a suitable musical guest to go along with her personality…Jay-Z (Hova).
Betty is also adding politics to her busy schedule. How you ask? By throwing her hat into the presidential campaign ring. I don’t even need to hear a peep out of her…she’s my national treasure! Vote Betty!
The Betty White ensemble is extremely easy to put together and quite comfortable. The particular look I’m suggesting consists of:
- Black trousers with elastic band.
- Black but sparkly undershirt and long sleeve shirt to keep the chill out. Easily found at Macy’s.
- A touch of ruby red lipstick.
- Slap on a shiny necklace.
- Don’t forget to get your hair did. Ask for the Betty…any hairstylist will know what you mean.
So that concludes my Halloween costume advice. I will leave you with one thought…In the words of Lindsay Lohan, “In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Ladies, take advantage of it.
Kate Winslet – Superhero
Even though she was already a superhero in my eyes, Kate Winslet has made it officially okay to walk around this Earth with a cape on for the rest of her life.
The Academy Award winner was taking some much deserved time off with her children and her new bf (Leo, he’s just a fill-in until you are ready). They were vacationing at Richard Branson’s Caribbean home, Great House on Necker Island.
Branson stated that the fire broke out around 4 a.m. during a tropical storm. Kate, Louis (her bf) and her children Mia and Joe all made it out unharmed. Along with the Winslet clan, there were 16 others staying at the Branson house. The culprit – lighting is to blame for completely destroying the home.
So why is Kate a superhero in all of this? Well, she carried Eve, Branson’s 90-year-old mother out of the burning house! Winslet told The Sun, “I’m just so glad that everyone is safe. And this very easily could not have been the case.”
I have made a decision, decision made: Kate Winslet must be a bionic woman. Not only does she carry people out of burning buildings, she also can swim her heart out and survive in sub-zero temperatures…remember that boat she was on that sank?
Kate – you are officially my favises superhero. Keep saving lives and keep winning Oscars.
A third Mini Affleck is on the way!
This week Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck told the world that they are having baby number tres (check out my bilingual skills). A very surprising but exciting announcement!
Now I have to hand it to Jennifer. This is her third baby! That means this is her third time being pregnant. I always make the mistake of watching those shows on birthing children and they scare the living daylights out of me. I always think to myself, “you don’t come back from that.” Discovery Health channel likes to make every woman on Earth paranoid and televise shows like, “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” I am about three episodes away from starting a petition to stop this show from ruining lives! No woman wants to sit there and think, “Am I pregnant right now?” Holy crow!
Okay, done with that tirade. The 3rd mini Affleck is expected to arrive in January or February. The Affleck’s are said to be “thrilled” to be expecting their third child. I wonder if they will finally get a Ben Jr. or stick with the lady gender. I really think this world could use a mini Ben Affleck…Suri Cruise will one day be looking for a husband.
Jennifer – In the fall, I am taking a class called Event Planning. By the time you are ready for your baby shower, I will be fully trained. I’ll send you my business card. Congrats!
Lohan rebuffs Pitbull
Lindsay Lohan has lawyer’d up. Why? Because Pitbull has a single out right now called, “Give Me Everything.” I’m sure you have heard it; it’s played approximately every 4.3 minutes somewhere in the world. There is one particular phrase that mentions the one, the only…Lindsay Lohan. The line is as follows: “I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.”
Well I guess Lindsay didn’t take this as a complement and she decided to file a lawsuit against Pitbull! Apparently Lohan and her legal team are claiming that this is defaming her character and blah, blah, blah. Lindsay, remember that time you were, in fact, locked up? I remember, I even won $18 in my office pool for guessing what day you would be released.
My favorite part of this tale is when Lindsay was at Kim Kardashian’s wedding and the band played this exact song! It was reported that many of Kim’s guests got up and danced, but Lindsay remained a Debbie Downer and stayed seated…boo you whore.
In an attempt to smooth things over, Pitbull has invited Lindsay to this Sunday’s VMAs, where he will be performing “Give Me Everything.” According to MTV.com, Pitbull states, “But either [way], I said, ‘You know what? Performing it at the VMAs, would like to invite her out,’ ” he continued. “And anybody who knows my reputation [knows I] don’t do no publicity stunts. I’m not really about none of that. … So I said it, I meant it, and if she takes it, great. If she doesn’t, cool. But she will have her tickets at will call.”
I don’t understand…Lindsay sues this beautiful Cuban man and still gets a date out of the deal. Ugh. Lindsay, please don’t sue me…I own nothing.
No words are really necessary, but rumor has it Lohan was spotted out with Paris three nights in a row. Along with that, Lindsay was caught leaving Paris’ house at 4 a.m.
This. Can. Only. Lead. To. Epic. Things!