Gaga Drags R. Kelly Out Da Closet

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Remember when Lady Gaga was your ordinary, run-of-the-mill pop star? Yes, I’m bringing it back to those days when she was rocking leotards and poking faces.

I enjoyed those days. She was what she was…and that was a woman who could sing catchy pop songs. Well, I must have been in quite the heavy blackout because next thing you know Gaga is acting like a spiritual leader of sorts. She even allowed herself to be reborn…take that Jesus.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Gaga does great things as an activist, but the songs on Artpop still seem like just pop songs. I’m not the only one who is thinking this stuff. The reviews for Artpop aren’t exactly kneeling at her alter.

As everyone knows, I do enjoy a damn good pop song and Gaga does deliver in that regard. Case in point: Do What U Want feat. R. Kelly.

Lyrics I would like to comment on:

Lady Gaga: I feel good, I walk alone/But then I trip by myself and I fall/I, I stand up, and then I’m okay

Kari: Is this what inspiration feels like?

Lady Gaga: So do what you want/What you want with my body/Do what you want/Don’t stop, let’s party

Kari: Inappropriate for anyone under 18. For the over 18 crowd, this is a great opening line at the bar or other types of social gatherings.

R. Kelly: Do what I want/Do what I want with your body/Ya we taking these haters and we roughin’ ’em up/And we laying a cut like we don’t give a fuck

Kari: I never realized until this moment that R. Kelly is the Maya Angelou of our time. Someone call Oprah!

After listening to this song on repeat pretty much all day, I have to say I’m glad Lady Gaga could convince Kells to exit the closet and drop some beats.

Topless Tuesday

It’s time for Topless Tuesday. You know what that means!

If you don’t actually know what that means, visit this link and I recommend taking your top off too, you know, live like the natives did.

Taylor Kinney

I have been getting requests for this gentleman for quite some time. I have finally decided to listen to my adoring fans and give them what they’ve been asking for. You’re welcome :)

It also doesn’t hurt that Chicago Fire (the television show Taylor stars in) premieres tonight at 10pm on NBC. Hopefully, I can get some more clicks/readers and be able to buy my cat something nice from the ad revenue.

Here are the need-to-know facts about Taylor:

  • Born July 15, 1981 in Lancaster, PA – another one that was so close, yet so far
  • He has three brothers …translation…I can still get with a brother
  • Went to West Virginia University and studied Business Management
  • Decided to pursue acting and modeling – great, great decision
  • Besides Chicago Fire, Taylor can be seen on Shameless, Castle, CSI: NY and Rizzoli & Isles

Now, I recommend you sit down for this mini paragraph.

Taylor has been dating a lady since 2011. That lady’s name is Lady Gaga. They met on the set of Gaga’s music video You and I. Is your mind absolutely blown? Mine was when I found this tidbit out.

Honestly, is it just me, or wouldn’t it be slightly odd dating Lady Gaga. I mean she literally looks different every time I see her. This raises a number of questions:

  1. Does Gaga look one way when they go to bed and completely different in the morning?
  2. Is Taylor alright with the fact that Gaga dresses up as a man from time to time?
  3. Does Taylor know his girlfriend once hatched from a damn egg?

Taylor – I’m single, ready to mingle and I’m 84% sure that I didn’t hatch from an egg. Call me!

Singles Dropping Left and Right

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I’m sure you’ve heard, but two pop ladies released some new jams today. Katy Perry released “Roar” and Lady Gaga released “Applause.”

I have to say, I’m not super impressed with either of them…I’ve heard better from these two. When I really started thinking about how I’m not in love with either of these songs, a scary thought entered my mind…am I too old for pop music?!!? Dear God, I hope not. What will I listen to? And don’t you dare say country music.

You take a listen to both songs and let me know your thoughts. First up is “Roar” by Katy Perry.

Next up, Lady Gaga’s “Applause.”

Let’s be real, once these songs hit the radio and I hear them approximately sixty times within the next three months, they will get stuck in my head and I’ll be changing my negative tune.

That literally happened to me with Miley’s new song, “We Can’t Stop,” about four hours ago. When I first heard “We Can’t Stop,” all I felt was longing for the “Can’t Be Tamed” days. Now, I’m into the new Cyrus single and I’m wondering how long it will take me to twerk like that.

Honestly, is “Roar” and “Applause” as good as “E.T.” and “Bad Romance” were? Because they were God damn great! As Hilary Duff once said, “let’s go back, back to the beginning” and bring back those cool jams!

So Bad…It’s Good

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If you’re like me, you wonder a lot of things throughout the day. For example:

  1. “Did I remember to put pants on?”
  2. “Carrie Underwood thinks Jesus can drive…but does he have a license?”
  3. “Where the hell has Paris Hilton been?”

While I don’t have all the answers in life, I do have the answer to number three.

Paris Hilton has been in the recording studio…duh. The heiress has released a new single and it’s called “Drunk Text.” Just by the name alone…I knew this was going to be magical.

What makes Hilton’s new single so bad that it’s good…the song is described as a “spoken word techno” jam. Our favorite heiress does not sing, but speaks the lyrics.

Sorry everyone! The video keeps being removed from the interweb. As soon as I find a stable link…I’ll post it!

On a scale of one to magical…I’m going to give this unicorn status. This song (if I can even call it that) will be burned into my memory forever. I already know that when I am 98 years old and definitely a bingo champion, I will still be asking…”Remember that time Paris Hilton released a spoken word single?”

Favise spoken lyrics:

“I went out to the club the other night to, you know, dance with my bitches” AND “You take the word sex and mix it with texting/It’s called sexting/But when you add drunk sexting/the words just don’t make sense”

When it comes to songs that involve texting, drinks and da club…while it was a close call…the award must go to Lady GaGa. She best expressed her feelings when she said “Just a second/It’s my favorite song they’re gonna play/And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh?”

Paris – I can’t believe I’m going to say this but maybe you should stick to singing.

VMA Moments – The Awkward – The Funny – The Worst – The Favises

I heard somewhere that it is an unwritten rule that you have to write about the VMAs the day after it airs. I understand, accept this and feel the need to share my thoughts about this year’s event.

Okay, was it just me or did MTV sort of slack off this year? I remember the days where I wouldn’t look away from the television! This year I got random shots of people in their chairs, that poor girl with the crutch looking around and much more. Maybe it was the whole let’s not pay someone to host, but have a guy who acts like a host but not get the credit for it thing. Past hosts including, Chelsea Handler, Russell Brand, and even Diddy made the show more enjoyable! Last night, I was just confused and upset that Lady Gaga was all over the place dressed like a man. I get it, but doesn’t mean I’m not a little mad at her for ruining the Britney tribute. Yea, I said it.

The Awkward

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When Justin Bieber brought a snake (who is conveniently named Johnson) to the VMAs and tried to sneak that awkward innuendo past us during the pre-show!

Of course MTV had Biebs gf, Selena Gomez interview him. When Gomez asked him to talk about his outfit, Bieber said, “I have a snake. I have red pants. And I have cheetah shoes.” And what is the snake’s name, asked Selena? Bieber grossly says, “My snake’s name is Johnson.”

Ok Biebs – some of us are actually old enough to know what you are hinting at. I hope someone gave you that birds and the bees talk…if not, there will be a big surprise waiting for you in 9 months.

The Funny

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When the House band singer, Jessie J sang the TLC classic “No Scrubs” after Chris Brown’s performance. Let’s start off with discussing Jessie J. Bless this girls heart, she broke her foot after falling off stage 11 weeks ago and still hoofed it to the VMAs.

Really though, who would cancel that gig? With her bedazzled cast and crutches she did a pretty good job, even though she couldn’t stand up that often. Kudos!

So back to the woman beater, I told you before I would never forget what he did. Brown performed some songs, I honestly couldn’t tell you which ones or spend the time looking them up.

During his performance, I was hoping that a fan or even Jay-Z would throw a shoe at him. Sadly, that didn’t happen. But Jessie J got the last laugh when Brown exited the stage and she broke out into a rendition of “No Scrubs.” Thank you Jessie J, thank you.

The Worst

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Ever since the tribute to Britney was announced, I have lost sleep over the anticipation of finally seeing a dream of mine come true. I was rudely lied to by a few media outlets when they stated the news that Janet Jackson, Madonna, Ke$ha, Katy Perry, among many others would be singing the Britney classics we all know and love. Well Britney, we certainly didn’t get that.

To honor Britney, Lady Gaga came out still dressed as Jo Calderone. She said some wonderfully true things about B. Spears: “She taught us all how to be fearless, and the industry wouldn’t be the same without her.” But of course, she also had to say some weirdly awkward things about B. Spears. Remember when Lady Gaga said she used to hang pictures on of Britney on her wall and proceeded to “touch herself?” I think she should have stuck with saying the nice things.

After the all-dance tribute to Spears was complete, Lady Gaga did one thing right by announcing, “Everyone get the f*ck up!” Britney strutted up to the stage to receive her award and almost engaged in another intimate moment with a lady on the VMAs. Spears abruptly pulled away from Gaga and stated, “No, I’ve done that already.” Remember that time she made out with Madonna on stage and no one saw Xtina do it because they had to get Justin’s reaction? (It’s Britney Bitch!)

Anywho, because of Lady Gaga, I felt that Britney didn’t get a chance to really express her feelings about the Video Vanguard Award. Not that she says much these days, but it still would have been nice to give her a moment.

Hey Britney – an even bigger dream come true would be to meet you! Call me!

The Favises

Duh! It’s all about Beyoncé and that baby bump! At the end of her performance of “Love on Top,” she dropped the mic, unbuttoned her jacket and showed the world her baby bump. The smile on Jay-Z’s face was epic. It will be nice to have a Lil Hova running around, don’t you think?

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