For those that haven’t heard the glorious news, Lindsay Lohan has begun writing a tell-all book! Not only is it a tell-all book that will include all the drugs, parties and blackouts we weren’t invited to, it is reported that LiLo started writing while she was in rehab! I’m mostly excited about the fact that she started penning her memoir in rehab because I’m 85% sure she was sober while there.
After hearing this news, I got to thinking about other celebrities who I would like to write their personal stories in book form. Obviously it is my duty to share these thoughts with my fan base.
Now this one would fly right up the best sellers list and help support Suri’s fashion addiction.
Who wouldn’t want to read about Katie and Tom Cruise’s marriage life, how Suri was conceived and the details of the covert plan to divorce Tom?! These thoughts keep me up at night.
I’m imagining Katie writing a truthful tale starting from how she met Tom, leading up to her life as a divorcee. Did Tom pick Katie out of a list of already selected brides or did they actually meet and fall in love? I heard that Jessica Alba said no and Katie was next on the list. If I was Katie, I’d be pissed I wasn’t number one.
I want to hear about the day-to-day, did Tom have someone babysitting Katie from the Scientologist camp, what’s it like to be a Scientologist, and IS TOM A GAY!? Jeez Tom, even Ricky Martin came out of the closet.
Some more questions I’d like the answers to include:
- Did Tom make Katie slouch in pictures because she towered over him? This is clearly a yes.
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how ridiculous was the couch jumping scene on Oprah? Hopefully an 11.
- Did Katie really get with Jamie Foxx? I sure hope so because I accidentally stumbled upon his birthday suit photos (thank you Internet) and I will definitely award Katie a point on that one.
I have always believed in Katie Holmes and I have always imagined her getting that role that will lead her down the path to Oscar gold. I’m so glad Tom is out of the picture. Now is her time to shine and get with some much younger dudes.
Don’t worry, I’ll get to part II eventually.
The WB was the best television network…ever
Throughout my teenage years and even now in my twenties, I’ve run into numerous situations where I’ve needed guidance. While I, of course, had my mom and friends to consult, there were some scenarios where only Buffy, Joey Potter or Liz Parker could help.
If those names sound familiar, then you were a fan of The WB network…and what a great network it was.
The WB network debuted January 11, 1995, but didn’t start gaining some traction until 1997 – the year of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy brought much success, so much so that the network decided to focus on the teen demographic. Thank God they did, where else would I have learned how to navigate the mean streets of high school?
What I am about to write in this paragraph is so important, it deserves its own paragraph. January 20, 1998 was when The WB debuted a show that is described as the network’s “signature series” and I couldn’t agree more. That series is Dawson’s Creek…obviously…it sure as hell wasn’t 7th Heaven.
Dawson and the gang brought in the network’s highest ratings, with the pilot ranking in 6.8 million viewers and the series finale, which was watched by 7.8 million viewers. Because of the success of Buffy and Dawson’s, The WB introduced us to Roswell, Angel, Felicity, Charmed, Popular, Young Americans and so many more beloved shows.
Below is a promo for network that debuted 13 years ago. It’s filled with so many familiar friends. I almost cried from all the memories that came at me like a wrecking ball…get it?
On a side note, I would like to point out that Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx were both in this promo. Maybe those dating rumors do have some truth to them. Get. It. Katie.
Kari is finally ready to speak on this matter. I thought talking in the 3rd person would give my statement more clout…
Anywho…since the glorious news of Katie and Tom’s divorce (#TeamKatie) broke last Friday, I knew without a doubt that Scientology played a substantial role. Let’s be real…any organization that has an aspect called auditing is bad news…and that includes the IRS.
As you can probably guess, I’ve been reading every article I set my pretty eyes on that contains the following words: Tom, Katie, Suri and even Tom’s other children that no one would recognize passing on the street. What I’ve been noticing is that many news outlets (okay, really just E! News) are speculating that Scientology played a role in the divorce. All I have to say is this…ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Of course Scientology played a role! Katie is such a good woman that she even tried to get into it. Remember that time Tom pulled Katie Holmes out in front of basically the whole world right after he jumped on Oprah’s couch? My beautiful flower had all these awkward growths on her face from some Scientology junk they made her drink. WTF Tom!?
Another obvious reason as to why I believe (and everyone else believes that Scientology played a role) is Suri. Little Suri needs to be educated and Tom wants to ship her off to the New Village Leadership Academy in Calabasas where their teaching revolves around “technology.” Since I imagine Suri growing up to be a fierce business woman or a fashionista, studying technology isn’t going to benefit her….it will just derail her potential.
Since Katie and myself were educated by the nuns while attending Catholic school…I believe that Suri should experience the same. While I have my issues with the Catholic school system, I believe I am a better woman for dodging the ruler beatings, learning to say the rosary at record speed, working on my arm muscles by carrying that bible EVERYWHERE, etc. I believe it does instill some valuable life skills which Suri can thrive from.
Finally, Scientology played a major in even locating Katie Holmes. There was an amazing article written by Andrew Morton in the “New York Post” titled, “How Katie was Cast to Play Tom Cruise’s Wife.” The article basically outlines Tom’s and the Church of Scientology’s quest to find him a suitable wife. Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Sofia Vergara were all targets to be his next wife. I highly suggest you read the article and see all of Tom’s creepy ways. My favorite line that Morton penned: “Wives may come and go. Scientology is forever.”
My closing remarks are as follows:
1. Team Katie
2. TTYN Tom
3. If Tom gets custody of Suri…our world as we know it is doomed. See the popular film “Independence Day” for clues on how to survive.
In the end…
Katie – I’m here for you boo. There is a room waiting for you in Scranton, PA. My mom will keep you and Suri safe…Carol isn’t afraid to deck a bitch!
P.S. So excited to see what young, hot man you start dating next! The options are endless!
but it has finally happened!
First of all…#TeamKatie
Don’t worry…I have a theory as to why TomKat’s marriage lasted as long as it did. While I’m gathering my thoughts and data and putting them into the idea machine, I wanted to leave you with this photo.
P.S. Matt Lauer…you’re next!
Ladies and gentlemen…it’s time to strap on your fanciest pair of heels…it’s Suri’s birthday.
The fashion-forward offspring of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise has turned six-years-old today! I can’t believe it’s been six years…goodness I’m getting old.
Every year that goes by Suri is (thankfully) looking more and more like my second-in-command spiritual goddess – Katie Holmes.
Suri – I’ve been patiently waiting for my invite to your birthday party…I’m actually typing this blog post next to the mailbox right now. Did my invite get lost in the mail again?
The E! network is running ads for a “Seasons-So-Far” marathon. It’s purpose…to catch me up with the Kardashians…obvi. Because E! never, ever airs repeats of “Kourtney & Kim Take New York,” I’m grateful to the executives at E! for giving me this Xmas miracle.
As you all know, I am destined to work for E!, so why not start giving them a few of my reality show suggestions now. Here is my second pick for Celebrities I Wish had a Reality Show.
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise (TomKat)
A show of hands please…who wouldn’t want to catch a glimpse into the world of TomKat? My suspicions were correct…everyone wants to know what goes inside the castle of Tom and Katie.
In their home, I imagine a lot of weird strobe lights and L. Ron Hubbard reading the book of Dianetics to Suri…because Tom resurrected him from the dead…duh.
- No one has forgotten.
- I love Katie Holmes too, but I’m not jumping on couches during the Oprah show. I do it in the privacy of my own home!
Now, we have all heard the rumors that Katie isn’t eating because she’s depressed, Tom is an out-of-control Scientologist who forced Katie into the cult, Tom is gay, etc. etc. It’s a very long list of rumors (or truths) and the only way to find out what’s real is by bringing in a camera crew!
I envision the reality show being called “TomKat: Welcome to the Jungle” and it would have to air on E! so there could be a crossover episode with the Kardashians. Mason and Suri could have a playdate while Khloe beats the daylights out of Tom and Rob takes Katie out and shows her a good time.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t think the TomKat union was going to last this long. I was onboard the U.S.S TomKat because it was supposed to give Katie the boost she needed to gain Oscar glory. Since that has not happened, I am over and done with the relationship…but I would watch the reality show and I would become a Scientologist if they gave me one of those rubbery bracelet thingys.
Katie – Happy belated birthday! I have loved you pre-Tom and I will love you post-Tom. Get it girl.
Before I get bombarded with angry fan mail, I know it is not Tuesday…it is Friday. I realized that I made a humongous oops and didn’t choose a topless gentleman for this week! There is a good reason though, I had a 15 page paper due as a final project for one of my classes. I apologize and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
A few days ago I was in line at the grocery store. My roommate was flipping through Us Weekly and showed me a picture of my love, Joshua Jackson…without his top on! It was an exciting moment for me…as it should be for everyone on Earth and maybe even that new planet that recently popped up.
It is very rare that Mr. Jackson shares his goodies. I can count on one hand how many times he (or Katie Holmes) took his top off on “Dawson’s Creek.” For that I say…boo you whore.
Anywho, after “Dawson’s Creek” ended and my world crumbled around me, Joshua did a lot of independent films, including a favise of mine, “One Week.”
In 2008, Joshua landed the role of Peter Bishop on “Fringe” and has made television a better place for the past four seasons.
Okay, I think I’m ready to discuss the elephant in the room. Joshua apparently has been dating Diane Kruger since 2006. My heart actually hurt when I typed that…ugh.
Diane has publicly stated that she “doesn’t believe in marriage.” I guess her ex-husband (Guillaume Canet) really did a number on her. Even though Diane has stolen my love…I’d shoulder check Canet for hurting a fellow lady.
But it is my personal belief that it is just a sin not to marry Joshua…it’s like slapping Cupid in the face. He is a lover, not a fighter!
I will give Diane this though, she has really stepped up Joshua’s fashion game. I remember the days when he would wear a sports jersey or a sweater from American Eagle. Now he is wearing some really classy shit. For example, tuxedos, scarves and smoking jackets.
Joshua – If you are ever in Philadelphia…you know the drill. See you at the Creek reunion!
For my final installation of celebrity couples that I’d want to be adopted by, I have chosen a couple that (I feel) many wouldn’t normally choose. I think a large majority would actually run in the opposite direction of this famed pair. Well, they wouldn’t be running from the lady of the house, they would be running from the man. I’ll give you a hint…”help me, help you.”
Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise
If you are a regular visitor to this blog, you know that Katie Holmes is one of three people I would take a bullet for. If you are not a regular visitor…shame on you!
Let’s hop into the time machine I bought on eBay and go back to 2005. I remember coming home from catholic school and my mom (Carol <3) told me that she heard Katie Holmes was dating Tom Cruise! I recall my head spinning around.
I thought, “Hey, this will give Katie the boost she needs into the spotlight she deserves.” Little did I know she was going to marry and give birth to his spawn. Ugh.
There is no need to go into the reasons why I think Katie should drop his Scientology-crazed ass…remember when Tom was allegedly administering ultra sounds to a pregnant Katie? I wont even touch the placenta rumor.
Let’s get back on track here. The number two reason why I want to be brought into the Cruise/Holmes household would be to witness all the crazy shit that goes on. I would find out the answers to such queries as:
- Does Katie only eat carrots?
- Is Suri really Tom’s spawn?
- Was Tom caught in a compromising position with Matchbox 20 lead singer, Rob Thomas all those years ago?
- How tall is Tom?
I would also love to get inside those Scientology Centers and raise hell. I would never get in trouble because I would state, “My adopted dad is your fearless leader and personal bank. One plus about being adopted by these two, Suri would make it her personal mission to turn me into a fierce dresser.
If you forgot to check your Katie Holmes Google Alert yesterday, let me fill you in on what’s going on in the world of Joey Potter. This classy young lady has nabbed the role of a lifetime! No, I’m not talking about Jackie O…I’m talking about a slutty pumpkin.
If you are a fan of “How I Met Your Mother,” you will know that this character has been six years in the making. If you’re like me and catch a rerun every so often, I’ll let Perez Hilton fill you in. “Way back in the first season, Ted met up with a lady dressed as the girl with conveniently carved holes at a Halloween party. Every year since, he’s waited at the same party, dressed as the same silly thing, hoping the Slutty Pumpkin will resurface into his life.”
Craig Thomas, the creator of the show, made the right decision. Katie is beautiful, talented and has a great sense of humor (Katie – answer my fan mail). Recently, she has been playing serious/scary roles…Remember, she played Jackie O and she was in “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.” Welp, after I saw that movie…I sleep with a can of pepper spray and a baseball bat to keep the monsters away.
I think playing the role of a slutty pumpkin is just what Katie needs. This role will benefit her in the following ways:
- It will get her out of the house (away from Tom)
- Mingle with people her age…get it in
- Show her range as an actress
Because of this great casting choice, I will make it a point to start watching “How I Met Your Mother.” This show really knows how to pick guest stars…first Britney, now Katie. This is my holy bible of TV shows!
Katie – I want to thank you in advance for inspiring my Halloween costume this year!
‘Teaching Mrs. Tingle’
By now the whole world should know, but if not I’m okay with repeating this…Katie Holmes is my favises actress in the whole wide world. So it is vital that I pack one of her groundbreaking films for the island.
This movie debuted in 1999 and tells the tale of a girl and her two friends during their senior year of high school. Katie Holmes takes on the role of Leigh Ann, who’s goal is to become valedictorian in order to obtain a college scholarship (Does this happen in real life?).
Her best friend in the film is Jo Lynn, played by Marisa Coughlan, who is coasting towards graduation then heading off to Hollywood to become a star. Of course a teen comedy/drama needs a male hunk to rally the tweens. Teaching Mrs. Tingle’s hunk – Barry Watson. The “7th Heaven” alumni plays Luke, the badass who is too cool for school.
Enter Mrs. Tingle, played by the fabulous Helen Mirren…kind of shocking that she’s in this, right? She plays the History teacher from hell. Leigh Ann’s valedictorian status is contingent on Tingle’s final grade. Somehow Luke gets a copy of the final exam and Tingle catches them. The students head to Tingle’s house to reason with her and chaos ensues!
I have chosen “Teaching Mrs. Tingle” for a variety of reasons:
- This movie was written by the creator of “Dawson’s Creek.” That’s an obvious sign that this movie will be good.
- In my opinion, this movie successfully brought back the crossbow. Barry Watson accidently shoots an arrow at Helen Mirren…in the movie, not in real life of course!
- Who hasn’t wanted to kidnap and/or terrorize one of their high school teachers who made their life a living hell?
Favises quote: “A bottle of wine and I’ll be fine.” Isn’t that the truth!
This movie makes me feel young again. “Teaching Mrs. Tingle” really shined among all those high school themed 90s teen movies. I wish real life was like this.
Below is my favises scene. After a night of getting it in, Katie Holmes changes the grades in Tingle’s grade book. If Katie Holmes is going to hell…it will certainly be a party!
I highly recommend watching this movie at any age…Katie Holmes is beautiful as always. This is Katie in her prime…pre Tom (ahh the good old days).