For those that haven’t heard the glorious news, Lindsay Lohan has begun writing a tell-all book! Not only is it a tell-all book that will include all the drugs, parties and blackouts we weren’t invited to, it is reported that LiLo started writing while she was in rehab! I’m mostly excited about the fact that she started penning her memoir in rehab because I’m 85% sure she was sober while there.
After hearing this news, I got to thinking about other celebrities who I would like to write their personal stories in book form. Obviously it is my duty to share these thoughts with my fan base.
Now this one would fly right up the best sellers list and help support Suri’s fashion addiction.
Who wouldn’t want to read about Katie and Tom Cruise’s marriage life, how Suri was conceived and the details of the covert plan to divorce Tom?! These thoughts keep me up at night.
I’m imagining Katie writing a truthful tale starting from how she met Tom, leading up to her life as a divorcee. Did Tom pick Katie out of a list of already selected brides or did they actually meet and fall in love? I heard that Jessica Alba said no and Katie was next on the list. If I was Katie, I’d be pissed I wasn’t number one.
I want to hear about the day-to-day, did Tom have someone babysitting Katie from the Scientologist camp, what’s it like to be a Scientologist, and IS TOM A GAY!? Jeez Tom, even Ricky Martin came out of the closet.
Some more questions I’d like the answers to include:
- Did Tom make Katie slouch in pictures because she towered over him? This is clearly a yes.
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how ridiculous was the couch jumping scene on Oprah? Hopefully an 11.
- Did Katie really get with Jamie Foxx? I sure hope so because I accidentally stumbled upon his birthday suit photos (thank you Internet) and I will definitely award Katie a point on that one.
I have always believed in Katie Holmes and I have always imagined her getting that role that will lead her down the path to Oscar gold. I’m so glad Tom is out of the picture. Now is her time to shine and get with some much younger dudes.
Don’t worry, I’ll get to part II eventually.
The WB was the best television network…ever
Throughout my teenage years and even now in my twenties, I’ve run into numerous situations where I’ve needed guidance. While I, of course, had my mom and friends to consult, there were some scenarios where only Buffy, Joey Potter or Liz Parker could help.
If those names sound familiar, then you were a fan of The WB network…and what a great network it was.
The WB network debuted January 11, 1995, but didn’t start gaining some traction until 1997 – the year of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy brought much success, so much so that the network decided to focus on the teen demographic. Thank God they did, where else would I have learned how to navigate the mean streets of high school?
What I am about to write in this paragraph is so important, it deserves its own paragraph. January 20, 1998 was when The WB debuted a show that is described as the network’s “signature series” and I couldn’t agree more. That series is Dawson’s Creek…obviously…it sure as hell wasn’t 7th Heaven.
Dawson and the gang brought in the network’s highest ratings, with the pilot ranking in 6.8 million viewers and the series finale, which was watched by 7.8 million viewers. Because of the success of Buffy and Dawson’s, The WB introduced us to Roswell, Angel, Felicity, Charmed, Popular, Young Americans and so many more beloved shows.
Below is a promo for network that debuted 13 years ago. It’s filled with so many familiar friends. I almost cried from all the memories that came at me like a wrecking ball…get it?
On a side note, I would like to point out that Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx were both in this promo. Maybe those dating rumors do have some truth to them. Get. It. Katie.
Kari is finally ready to speak on this matter. I thought talking in the 3rd person would give my statement more clout…
Anywho…since the glorious news of Katie and Tom’s divorce (#TeamKatie) broke last Friday, I knew without a doubt that Scientology played a substantial role. Let’s be real…any organization that has an aspect called auditing is bad news…and that includes the IRS.
As you can probably guess, I’ve been reading every article I set my pretty eyes on that contains the following words: Tom, Katie, Suri and even Tom’s other children that no one would recognize passing on the street. What I’ve been noticing is that many news outlets (okay, really just E! News) are speculating that Scientology played a role in the divorce. All I have to say is this…ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Of course Scientology played a role! Katie is such a good woman that she even tried to get into it. Remember that time Tom pulled Katie Holmes out in front of basically the whole world right after he jumped on Oprah’s couch? My beautiful flower had all these awkward growths on her face from some Scientology junk they made her drink. WTF Tom!?
Another obvious reason as to why I believe (and everyone else believes that Scientology played a role) is Suri. Little Suri needs to be educated and Tom wants to ship her off to the New Village Leadership Academy in Calabasas where their teaching revolves around “technology.” Since I imagine Suri growing up to be a fierce business woman or a fashionista, studying technology isn’t going to benefit her….it will just derail her potential.
Since Katie and myself were educated by the nuns while attending Catholic school…I believe that Suri should experience the same. While I have my issues with the Catholic school system, I believe I am a better woman for dodging the ruler beatings, learning to say the rosary at record speed, working on my arm muscles by carrying that bible EVERYWHERE, etc. I believe it does instill some valuable life skills which Suri can thrive from.
Finally, Scientology played a major in even locating Katie Holmes. There was an amazing article written by Andrew Morton in the “New York Post” titled, “How Katie was Cast to Play Tom Cruise’s Wife.” The article basically outlines Tom’s and the Church of Scientology’s quest to find him a suitable wife. Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Sofia Vergara were all targets to be his next wife. I highly suggest you read the article and see all of Tom’s creepy ways. My favorite line that Morton penned: “Wives may come and go. Scientology is forever.”
My closing remarks are as follows:
1. Team Katie
2. TTYN Tom
3. If Tom gets custody of Suri…our world as we know it is doomed. See the popular film “Independence Day” for clues on how to survive.
In the end…
Katie – I’m here for you boo. There is a room waiting for you in Scranton, PA. My mom will keep you and Suri safe…Carol isn’t afraid to deck a bitch!
P.S. So excited to see what young, hot man you start dating next! The options are endless!
but it has finally happened!
First of all…#TeamKatie
Don’t worry…I have a theory as to why TomKat’s marriage lasted as long as it did. While I’m gathering my thoughts and data and putting them into the idea machine, I wanted to leave you with this photo.
P.S. Matt Lauer…you’re next!
Ladies and gentlemen…it’s time to strap on your fanciest pair of heels…it’s Suri’s birthday.
The fashion-forward offspring of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise has turned six-years-old today! I can’t believe it’s been six years…goodness I’m getting old.
Every year that goes by Suri is (thankfully) looking more and more like my second-in-command spiritual goddess – Katie Holmes.
Suri – I’ve been patiently waiting for my invite to your birthday party…I’m actually typing this blog post next to the mailbox right now. Did my invite get lost in the mail again?
The E! network is running ads for a “Seasons-So-Far” marathon. It’s purpose…to catch me up with the Kardashians…obvi. Because E! never, ever airs repeats of “Kourtney & Kim Take New York,” I’m grateful to the executives at E! for giving me this Xmas miracle.
As you all know, I am destined to work for E!, so why not start giving them a few of my reality show suggestions now. Here is my second pick for Celebrities I Wish had a Reality Show.
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise (TomKat)
A show of hands please…who wouldn’t want to catch a glimpse into the world of TomKat? My suspicions were correct…everyone wants to know what goes inside the castle of Tom and Katie.
In their home, I imagine a lot of weird strobe lights and L. Ron Hubbard reading the book of Dianetics to Suri…because Tom resurrected him from the dead…duh.
- No one has forgotten.
- I love Katie Holmes too, but I’m not jumping on couches during the Oprah show. I do it in the privacy of my own home!
Now, we have all heard the rumors that Katie isn’t eating because she’s depressed, Tom is an out-of-control Scientologist who forced Katie into the cult, Tom is gay, etc. etc. It’s a very long list of rumors (or truths) and the only way to find out what’s real is by bringing in a camera crew!
I envision the reality show being called “TomKat: Welcome to the Jungle” and it would have to air on E! so there could be a crossover episode with the Kardashians. Mason and Suri could have a playdate while Khloe beats the daylights out of Tom and Rob takes Katie out and shows her a good time.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t think the TomKat union was going to last this long. I was onboard the U.S.S TomKat because it was supposed to give Katie the boost she needed to gain Oscar glory. Since that has not happened, I am over and done with the relationship…but I would watch the reality show and I would become a Scientologist if they gave me one of those rubbery bracelet thingys.
Katie – Happy belated birthday! I have loved you pre-Tom and I will love you post-Tom. Get it girl.
Before I get bombarded with angry fan mail, I know it is not Tuesday…it is Friday. I realized that I made a humongous oops and didn’t choose a topless gentleman for this week! There is a good reason though, I had a 15 page paper due as a final project for one of my classes. I apologize and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
A few days ago I was in line at the grocery store. My roommate was flipping through Us Weekly and showed me a picture of my love, Joshua Jackson…without his top on! It was an exciting moment for me…as it should be for everyone on Earth and maybe even that new planet that recently popped up.
It is very rare that Mr. Jackson shares his goodies. I can count on one hand how many times he (or Katie Holmes) took his top off on “Dawson’s Creek.” For that I say…boo you whore.
Anywho, after “Dawson’s Creek” ended and my world crumbled around me, Joshua did a lot of independent films, including a favise of mine, “One Week.”
In 2008, Joshua landed the role of Peter Bishop on “Fringe” and has made television a better place for the past four seasons.
Okay, I think I’m ready to discuss the elephant in the room. Joshua apparently has been dating Diane Kruger since 2006. My heart actually hurt when I typed that…ugh.
Diane has publicly stated that she “doesn’t believe in marriage.” I guess her ex-husband (Guillaume Canet) really did a number on her. Even though Diane has stolen my love…I’d shoulder check Canet for hurting a fellow lady.
But it is my personal belief that it is just a sin not to marry Joshua…it’s like slapping Cupid in the face. He is a lover, not a fighter!
I will give Diane this though, she has really stepped up Joshua’s fashion game. I remember the days when he would wear a sports jersey or a sweater from American Eagle. Now he is wearing some really classy shit. For example, tuxedos, scarves and smoking jackets.
Joshua – If you are ever in Philadelphia…you know the drill. See you at the Creek reunion!