J.Lo Doesn’t Listen to You…You Listen to J.Lo…Part III

For my final piece of the J.Lo musical puzzle…I’ve chosen a song that isn’t even J.Lo’s. Yes, she is that powerful that she takes over songs that she is merely featured on.

‘Follow the Leader’

Photo Courtesy: dailymail.co.uk

In real life…this is Wisin & Yandel’s song and it features J.Lo as a guest. Since J.Lo does not play second banana to anyone, many people (myself included) probably assume that this is solely a J.Lo jam. After I watched the video, I pondered the following thought: Who the hell are those two weirdys next to Jenny (from da Bronx)?

Those weirdys are Wisin & Yandel and they are described as a Puerto Rican reggaeton duo. These two have been around for years…since 1998 to be exact. Surprisingly, I have a personal experience with these two gentlemen.

When I was a freshman in college, one of my friends told me about this new song she just had to play for me and my roommate. The song was called “Noche De Sexo” and once I heard four seconds of it…I was in love. Along with being in love, I had no idea what the song meant until…now.

Anywho, J.Lo stars in Wisin & Yandel’s song/music video for “Follow the Leader” and kills it. Who knew J.Lo could do parkour and look so cool with a chest piece? Yet another reason she is my almost spiritual goddess.

Okay, let’s recap…

  1. Do not challenge J.Lo to any sort of anything…she will always come out on top.
  2. Get a chest piece that contains a Spanish word to impress others.
  3. When you follow the leader…the leader is really J.Lo.
  4. Learn Spanish in order to break into Spanish rap game.
  5. J.Lo and I do have one thing in common…when we are both on the floor, our hips are in charge.

J.Lo – See you (and your boo Casper) in AC aka the Vegas of the East Coast. Love, your bodiqua.

Britney and Simon sitting in a tree…

Photo Courtesy: famousbase.com

NY Daily News is reporting that Team Britney and Team Simon have finally reached a deal that will result in getting Britney’s ass on “The X Factor.” Britney is set to fill one of the open seats at the judges’ table left open by Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger.

My spiritual goddess will be getting $15 million for sitting at a table and judging people…I bet J.Lo is pissed, she only rakes in a cool $12 million on “Idol.” As for Paula Abdul’s previous salary, Simon only gave her $2.5 million. Talk about jipped.

According to the NY Daily News article, “The fact that she’s [Spears] one of the most talked about — not just pop stars, but people — in the world today means that you’ve got this star power,” Cowell told Billy Bush in February on “The Billy Bush Show.” “She’s still hot, she’s still having hit records, and she’s still controversial. There’s a reason for that,” said Cowell.

Looks like I’m watching “The X Factor” now.

Memorable Dance Offs

Photo Courtesy: rwdmag.com

Hi, my name is Kari and I want to be a part of a dance off.

I believe what sparked my love for the dance off was when I witnessed Julia Stiles dominate in “Save the Last Dance.” This is long overdue, but must be said…Thank you Julia for giving me the confidence to back that ass up.

Whether it be at a bar, in the middle of the street or any flat surface, I want to be involved and I bet you do too. Below are some of my favise dance offs.

‘White Chicks’

Leave it to the Wayans brothers to pull off an amazing dance off scene. “White Chicks” stars the brothers as two FBI agents who impersonate ladies in order to solve a case. You’re probably thinking how ridiculous that sounds…but I pinky swear…this movie is hil.ar.ious.

P.S. keep an eye out for Busy Philipps and Jennifer Carpenter.

If you didn’t think the Wayans brothers were going to win…slap yourself in the face.

‘Lose My Breath’ – Destiny’s Child

It’s classy Beyoncé vs. gangster Beyoncé. First of all, can there even be a winner in this scenario? Second of all, why are you still reading this and not watching the video?

When I dream about dance offs, this is exactly how I picture them. In the Destiny’s Child scenario, I would probably take on the role of Michelle. I already rock a white jumpsuit every Thursday…gotta be on point for my ethics class. You dig it?

Britney Spears vs. Austin Powers

It’s Britney Spears!

While many harass and harangue Britney for her singing abilities…you can’t take away the fact that this bitch can dance and look good while doing it.

Sadly, this round goes to Austin. I do have one question though…how do I get bullets to shoot out of my breasts?

J.Lo vs. Tom Cruise

He is really making Katie Holmes proud with this one. Even though I do not endorse Tom Cruise at all…he does have some appeal when he embodies Les Grossman.

I deem J.Lo the winner…she is from da Bronx after all.

Catch you on the flip side.

Upcoming Films I Must See in Theatres

With my Xmas break really kicking into gear, I have a boatload of time on my hands. I have many activities planned, such as:

  • Spending time wandering around beautiful Scranton, PA with my beautiful mom
  • Watching every Alec Baldwin movie available on Netflix
  • Learning to read then reading a book or two
  • Actively staying out of the stores to avoid panic attacks and crazy shoppers

Along with all these wonderful activities to pass the time, I am hoping to see some quality movies. While some of these films do not come out during break, I feel it is my duty to share them with you. I’m aiming to pay the matinée price because a girl has to cut costs somewhere, right?

‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ – May 11, 2012

Photo Courtesy: filmofilia.com

A friend of mine sent this movie trailer to me and I made the decision that this is a must see.

Based on the book, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel, the film follows five couples and the “joys” of being pregnant.

Not that I know, but are there really joys to being pregnant? Has anyone seen “Teen Mom” on MTV? All you need to watch is the first 4.7 minutes of that damn show and you will see there are no joys involved.

I digress. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” stars a bunch of stars including, but not limited to:

  • J.Lo (Jenny from da Block)
  • Wendi McLendon-Covey (the blonde cop from “Reno 911”)
  • Cameron Diaz (should have married Timberlake)
  • Matthew Morrison (love his haircut)
  • Rebel Wilson (the lady roommate in “Bridesmaids” that got the free tattoo)
  • Dennis Quaid (DILF)
  • Anna Kendrick (“TWILIGHT”)
  • Chace Crawford (Gossip Guy)

Favise quotes from trailer: “Last week, my kid ate a cigarette.” and “I was breast-fed myself until I was six and look how good I turned out.”

Why should you go see this with me: With an all-star cast and the hilariousness that all these pregnant women will be bringing to the table, I just know I will be giggling in the theatre and all the way home. I just hope there are no violent birth scenes and/or surprises like there was in “Knocked Up.” Still scarred Katherine Heigl, still scarred.

Another reason…Cameron Diaz is pregnant (in the film) and she still looks better than me. Damn you.

Stay tuned for more movies!

Celebrity Top 3

Jennifer Lopez…Man eater

Photo Courtesy: usmagazine.com

After J.Lo and Marc Anthony generated the split heard around the world, I was expecting Jenny from Da Block to take some time to regroup. Well, I guess I was wrong…and I can’t believe I just admitted that. Who is the new man she has sunk her talons into…Bradley Cooper!

A few days ago, J.Lo and Bradley had a nice dinner date at the classy Per Se in NYC! It must have been a real-life date because Jenny left the entourage and huge bodyguards at home.

According to the “New York Post,” “One onlooker at the restaurant said, ‘He waited 10 minutes for her to arrive, and she turned up in a white bandage dress looking ridiculously hot. They sat at a corner table smiling and chatting. It looked like they were heavily flirting. They left together out of a back door, so not to be seen.”

Bradley’s rep comented, “They were meeting for business regarding a project.” Let’s be real – J.Lo doesn’t leave the entourage and/or bodyguards for anyone…

Jennifer – I thought we were past this “I’m going to date the hottest man in Hollywood right now” phase. Remember Ben? I do hope you are only stepping out on the town with B-Coop to show Marc what he’s missing. If so, my respect level bumped up a few notches for you.

ScarJo’s goodies hit the interweb

Photo Courtesy: justjared.buzznet.com

Welp, I guess nobody listened to Reese Witherspoon’s advice that she so generously passed along at the MTV Movie Awards. Just as a quick reminder, Reese advised “…if you take naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people!” They still haven’t learned.

Here’s the deets, a hacker broke into Scarlett Johansson’s cellular telephone and scored some naked pics of the starlet. These pictures reportedly show ScarJo topless and (according to MTV) “another shows her standing with a towel covering her front side with her butt exposed in a mirror.”

Like any normal woman, Scarlett got pissed. Instead of just letting her nude pics spread around the web like wildfire, Scarlett kicked it up a notch and called the FBI. According to E! News, “The FBI is investigating a person or group responsible for a series of cyber intrusions of high-profile figures,” FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller said. “This would include many devices — could mean a computer, desktop, laptop, iPad, cell phone … intrusions into personal online accounts too.”

It’s been reported today that ScarJo’s legal team has sent out a bunch of nasty/threatening letters to websites posting the photos and ordered for the removal of ScarJo’s goodies.

A lesson I learned today: Don’t f*ck with Scarlett Johansson or she will call the feds.

Brad Pitt – What a d*ck

Photo Courtesy: atop10wallpaper.blogspot.com

After spending 7 years with Jennifer Aniston and then leaving her for every woman’s arch nemesis (Angelina Jolie)…he has to go and do this!? In case you haven’t heard, Brad Pitt sat down with “Parade” magazine and forgot his filter at the house that Angelina built.

Brad told “Parade,” “It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself,” Pitt told Parade about the final years of his relationship with Aniston, which ended in 2005. “I think that my marriage had something to do with it, trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.”

When I first heard this, three words came to my mind…rage, rage, rage! Just when it looks like Jennifer is moving on with her new man Jason, Brad has to stick his nose in.

Since tons of people became outraged that Brad had the nerve to leave Jen in the first place and toss out such a hurtful comment, someone on his PR team made him release a statement saying otherwise.

Brad commented, “It grieves me that this was interpreted this way,” wrote Pitt, reports Reuters. “Jen is an incredibly giving, loving, and hilarious woman who remains my friend. It is an important relationship I value greatly. The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself — and that, I am responsible for.”

Brad – She even stayed by your side when you had that creepy Jesus beard. Ugh. Whatever Brad…Team Jennifer for life.

Dear *Fill in Celebrity Name Here*

I have recently thought that it would be a good idea to start sending actual letters to celebrities. I have many thoughts that need to be shared. Since stamp prices have gone through the roof, why not use this blog to get their attention and save some trees! Todays letter is dedicated to Marc Anthony.

Dear Marc Anthony,

Photo Courtesy: innthebasement.com

How are you? I am fine. I see that you are doing a tell-all interview with John Quinones airing September 1 on ABC. How big of a blackout do you think J.Lo is going to be in after it airs? I hope you got enough cash money from ABC in order to buy a really big bodyguard. I can’t see you doing well in a fight against your ex-lady; she is from da Bronx after all.

I always thought you were J.Lo’s soul mate; it certainly wasn’t that backup dancer guy. Oh yea, and you left your previous wife for Jennifer…remember? If that doesn’t say love, I don’t know what does.

After 7 years together and twin babies, you guys were headed for a beautiful retirement home, shuffleboard and bingo. What happened? I heard a few rumblings that you may have cheated on our precious Jennifer. Marc – she is like Santa, she knows all. You accidently leave one of the babies at the grocery store – she knows, you stay up late to watch reruns of the Kardashians  – she knows, you cheat – she knows.

I watched the teaser for your interview and I’m slightly upset that you may be throwing Jenny from Da Block under the bus. You say you didn’t cheat on her, that “It was a realization on both our parts. So you know it wasn’t shocking. These things happen. It was a decision that we made jointly.” Wasn’t shocking? I was so shocked that I bruised my tailbone from falling out the chair I was in.

I have another bone to pick with you. What’s the deal with Jada Pinkett Smith? You know that part in her name that says “Smith?” That’s Jada’s

Photo Courtesy: technorati.com

married name! Did you know that “Life & Style” is saying, “Marc said Jada was so sexy because she was in great shape and had this tough attitude, which he loves.” First of all, J.Lo is in killer shape…maybe you should take off those creepy sunglasses you always wear and open. your. eyes!

Marc – I do have to say that I don’t completely hate you. I really liked the song you did with Pitbull titled, “Rain Over Me.” My favises part of the video is when you two gentlemen are dancing in the desert together.

I just want to let you know that I will be tuning in and critiquing every second of your tell-all interview. For the record, I am on team J.Lo.

Love always,


P.S. You don’t divorce J.Lo…J.Lo divorces you.

Is this real life? Part III

Heidi Montag “Blackout”

Photo Courtesy: bittenandbound.com

For my final installment in the “Is this real life” series, I have chosen an infamous reality star turned (total) failed singer…Heidi Montag. While January 11, 2010 may have seemed like an ordinary day to you, it was a big deal in the Montage-Pratt household. Why you ask? Heidi’s compact disc “Superficial” dropped. The name seems more fitting after she got all that plastic surgery, right?

In my research, I have learned some fascinating things about this album:

  • “Superficial” took a whopping three years to complete
  • Spencer shows us his sweet rap skills on “Body Language.” Unfortunately this jam didn’t make it on to the album…bummer
  • It looks like it was all funded by Team Speidi and cost…wait for it…$2 million! Between that and all the crystals Spencer bought, no wonder the couple is broke!

The song I would specifically like to spotlight is titled, “Blackout.” It is said that this song is Heidi’s anthem to her love,  Spencer. I had trouble remembering my favises lyrics because I experienced an actual blackout while listening to the song for the first time. I braced myself and tried again.

Favises lyrics:

“I’m over the stories that we’ll never make it/When I think of losing you baby I hate it/Why can’t they see it’s between you and me?”

I feel like this song can compare to a person getting their significant others name tattooed on their arm or some extremely visible spot. To me, this jam is screaming, “we’ll be divorced in three to five years!” Remember J.Lo’s “Dear Ben“…it just ends in a disaster.

Moving on to the music video, you can totally tell Spencer was behind the camera. I’m not kidding…he directed this video. There really is no concept, its just Heidi rolling around on the beach and floating in a pool wearing her bikini. It’s basically a home movie. One part of the song that I would like clarification on is when Heidi states: “Black out the satellite, where should we run to?” Is that satellite connected to the GPS tracker Spencer had planted on Heidi? Just a thought!

I really want you to think before watching this. It will subtract 3 minutes and 29 seconds from your life.


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