Occasionally I like to creep on iTunes for new songs that I can’t live without and at $1.29 a pop I better not be able to live without them! Anywho, I came across musical bad ass Kylie Minogue and her new single “Time Bomb.”
As usual, Kylie has yet to disappoint and anyone who can wear a dress made out a few pieces of string and three scraps of fabric is a hero in my book. Hint: watch the whole music video and you will see what I mean.
After watching “Time Bomb,” this spurred me to look up some older Kylie jams and I came across my all-time favise Kylie song…”Red Blooded Woman.” As they say, you don’t choose what you love, it chooses you…and in this case that’s 100% truth.
“Red Blooded Woman” can be found on Kylie’s ninth studio album “Body Language,” released in 2003. The song did really well in the UK, reaching the number four spot and not too bad in the U.S…reaching number 24 on the Billboard Hot Dance Club Party chart (yes, this exists).
Favise lyrics: “You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high”
While I love the song, I love the video even more! Now that I drive to and from work, I get stuck in the occasional rage-blackout inducing traffic jam. If I just take Kylie’s approach, I can reduce my blood pressure and probably meet some new people along the way. Let me explain.
In the musical video interpretation of “Red Blooded Woman,” Kylie get stuck in traffic. Instead of blacking out and/or lighting up a cigarette like the rest of the traffic participants, Kylie exits the vehicle and dances provocatively along the highway. Now my question is…why didn’t I think of this?
Kylie – Thank you for giving me something constructive to do while in traffic. I will be forever grateful.
Hi, hi, hello! My name is India, and in addition to acting as Kari’s punching bag and legal representation on the Internet, I also have a few unpopular opinions. Unfortunately, I usually don’t know that my opinion is unpopular until I’m being reamed out in a spectacularly public fashion. Dear readers, I, like the dolphins in “Bridesmaids,” am here to save you from similar humiliation.
In my debut column, Unpopular Opinions, I will share some of my greatest (worst?) hits and also provide some superior alternatives so you can keep your thumb on the pulse of pop culture without having to suffer through inferior material. Let’s get started!
So, “Dancing with the Stars.” It’s a bad TV show, straight up. As loyal followers of Blog Like It’s Hot, you know that Kari and my other roommates are big fans of the show. As the only AT&T subscriber in the apartment, this puts me in a difficult spot when voting time comes around.
Despite the high ratings and endless line of C-list celebrities (sorry, Rob!), this show has failed to pique my interest.
First, the dancing is bad. Yes, yes, I know the premise of the show is teaching C- and D-listers to ballroom dance, but seriously. Viewers are forced to watch the same ballroom dances from episode to episode with little variation beyond who will screw up this time. How many times can someone realistically watch someone stumble through a paso doble before they are longing for something, anything, even infomercials, to break up the monotony? Pro-tip – I make it about ten minutes every time.
Second, the music is terrible. I love a good cover band, but the band on “Dancing with the Stars” is routinely sub-par, fumbling contemporary songs so badly that I cannot pay attention to anything else. The singers are nearly always off-key, the tempo is mangled, and the overall effect often forces me to leave the room clutching my ears. Points for enthusiasm, guys, but some songs just aren’t meant to be mashed into a sambo rhythm.
Skip to 2:00 to listen to the house band commit aural crimes against humanity as they butcher Gwen Stefani’s “What’chu Waiting For” while Mario Lopez attempts to tango.
Third, the costumes are questionable at best and seem to be approximately 30% double-sided tape. I’m not sure how being mostly covered in nude spandex with some flowy bits tacked on contributes to one’s ballroom dancing, but check out the monstrosity below.
So combine bad dancing, bad cover songs, and bad costumes, and we have a bad show. “Dancing with the Stars.” I do not recommend it.
If you, and I understand the urge, need something to fill the dance-shaped hole in your life, try FOX’s “So You Think You Can Dance” or MTV’s “America’s Best Dance Crew.” Not only do the shows feature real dancers, but the music and costumes are waaaaay better! Checkout ABDC’s Season 1 winners, the Jabbawockeez, below!
Every once in a while I get on a certain musical artist kick.
During this kick, I basically listen to one artist over and over until my roommates can’t stand it anymore. Obviously, I don’t get sick of the music..hence the kick. This month I am on a J.Lo/Jenny from the block/Jennifer Lopez/Selena kick.
J.Lo has provided me, along with the world, great jams that have the ability to fill the void in a variety of occasions and moments.
Below I would like to highlight a few of my favorite J.Lo jams.
‘Waiting for Tonight’
Who hasn’t gotten up on a Friday morning and thought “God, I can’t wait for tonight.” I do this everyday…even on Mondays.
“Waiting for Tonight” is one of those songs that you play at the party, before the party. Whenever this song comes on, I automatically turn on my green laser strobe lights, whisper inappropriate phrases in Spanish, glue jewels over my whole body and dance my face off in a manner that would make J.Lo proud.
If you recall, “Waiting for Tonight” was release in 1999. Yes, that was before we called Jennifer J.Lo! Even though it’s over 10 years old, this song still entices people to anticipate tonight and try to dance like Jennifer…but fail miserably .
J.Lo – with “Waiting for Tonight” you officially earned my endorsement. Get it girl.
Stay tuned…there’s more J.Lo coming up…
I hope you didn’t forget that today is Tuesday…which means it’s the one day a week you’re allowed to step outside without a top on. Okay, that’s not entirely true, but I suggest you contact your local representative and ask that the Topless Tuesday bill gets passed!
In honor of the 14th round of dancers on “Dancing with the Stars” announced today, I have decided to write about my second favorite professional dancer in the whole wide world…
Ohh Maks…so pretty.
God bless the doctor that gave you birth…little did that doc know he was making the world a better place.
Born Jan. 17, 1980 in Odessa, Ukraine, Maksim Aleksandrovich Chmerkovskiy has been shaking his shit since he was four years old. What’s interesting is that a younger Maks had different goals in mind. Instead of striving to become a Latin ballroom dancer/choreographer/instructor, he was aiming to become an Olympic swimmer or a soccer player.
Not falling in love with dancing until his teen years, Maks’ dreams at becoming a champion dancer were almost put to a complete hault. A skiing accident broke Maks’ right leg and his doctor told him that dancing would be close to impossible.
Of course Maks didn’t let a broken leg stop him. He dedicated much of his time to physical therapy and healing. After a successful recovery, the dancing champion invited his doctor to the first competition since the accident. Needless to say, the doc was speechless.
We first met Maks on season two of “Dancing with the Stars.” He was partnered with Tia Carrere (the girl from “Wayne’s World”) and they came in sixth place. Out of 13 completed seasons, Maks has competed in 11. The dance pro has yet to win the coveted Mirror Ball trophy, but he has landed in the runner-up position twice…with partners Mel B and Kirstie Alley.
Even though Maks has yet to secure the Mirror Ball trophy…he has picked up a boatload of dance achievements along the way. One notable title is the 2004 Philadelphia Dancesport Festival Champion.
Along with being a DWTS dancer, Maks has some other things going on besides looking pretty. He owns four dance studios and is a part of Dance Team USA, which is a nonprofit that is “dedicated to recruiting, supporting, and training future DanceSport participants.”
Up next for Maks is the 14th season of DWTS. This season Maks is partnered with Melissa Gilbert. My name is Kari and I endorse this partnership because Gilbert met Rob Lowe at a red light and dated him for six years. Get it girl.
Dear Maks, I have complete faith that you will, one day, get that Mirror Ball trophy. If you need someone to Tonya Harding Derek Hough, I will do it for you. Let’s be real, Hough has won enough already.
Love you lots – Kari
P.S. Whoever is dressing you in those low-cut shirts deserves a raise.
Hi, my name is Kari and I want to be a part of a dance off.
I believe what sparked my love for the dance off was when I witnessed Julia Stiles dominate in “Save the Last Dance.” This is long overdue, but must be said…Thank you Julia for giving me the confidence to back that ass up.
Whether it be at a bar, in the middle of the street or any flat surface, I want to be involved and I bet you do too. Below are some of my favise dance offs.
Leave it to the Wayans brothers to pull off an amazing dance off scene. “White Chicks” stars the brothers as two FBI agents who impersonate ladies in order to solve a case. You’re probably thinking how ridiculous that sounds…but I pinky swear…this movie is hil.ar.ious.
P.S. keep an eye out for Busy Philipps and Jennifer Carpenter.
If you didn’t think the Wayans brothers were going to win…slap yourself in the face.
‘Lose My Breath’ – Destiny’s Child
It’s classy Beyoncé vs. gangster Beyoncé. First of all, can there even be a winner in this scenario? Second of all, why are you still reading this and not watching the video?
When I dream about dance offs, this is exactly how I picture them. In the Destiny’s Child scenario, I would probably take on the role of Michelle. I already rock a white jumpsuit every Thursday…gotta be on point for my ethics class. You dig it?
Britney Spears vs. Austin Powers
It’s Britney Spears!
While many harass and harangue Britney for her singing abilities…you can’t take away the fact that this bitch can dance and look good while doing it.
Sadly, this round goes to Austin. I do have one question though…how do I get bullets to shoot out of my breasts?
J.Lo vs. Tom Cruise
He is really making Katie Holmes proud with this one. Even though I do not endorse Tom Cruise at all…he does have some appeal when he embodies Les Grossman.
I deem J.Lo the winner…she is from da Bronx after all.
Catch you on the flip side.
While I’m still pouring through all of the fan mail and emails about your favise stripper jams (kidding), I have decided now is that time to conclude my Speaking of Strippers series.
The musical genre for this post is pop music…my specialty!
‘Can’t Be Tamed’ – Miley Cyrus
As we all know…Miss Cyrus is no stranger to pole dancing…so choosing a jam by this pop singer is a wise choice. The classy lady who chose Miley shall be called…Queen Bee and for those who don’t know, she can get a bit crazy…just like Miley!
In another life, I could see Miley being a very popular/entertaining exotic dancer. Her real name is Destiny Hope for goodness sakes!
Side note: I would take it as a compliment if someone said I would be a very popular/entertaining exotic dancer. I think it’s a skill you are born with.
As for Queen Bee’s performance…I see the dance starting out in a birdcage…just like the music video. When the chorus hits…the money will be flying out of the customer’s hands! Work it…like a glass of water.
Lyrics that exotic dancers would probably be proud of: “I go through guys like money flyin’ out the hands/They try to change me but they realize they can’t/And every tomorrow is a day I never plan/If you’re gonna be my man understand/I can’t be tamed”
Take a listen and remember…she’s just being Miley.
‘Umbrella’ – Rihanna
The final song one of my friends chose incase she decides to change to a more exotic career is “Umbrella.” This young lady picked the exotic dancer name…The Professor. Now that’s legit.
“Umbrella” is a very upbeat song that allows for one very special prop onstage…an umbrella…duh. I imagine The Professor’s routine including many umbrellas’ and handing them out…a nice parting gift for the customers.
I picture the “Umbrella” routine not only encompassing umbrellas, but also a shit ton of glitter. I have a feeling that if you add real water to the routine…the results might be less than favorable. I’m just trying to protect The Professor since I’m unsure if this career offers benefits.
Lyrics that exotic dancers would probably be proud of: Now that it’s raining more than ever/Know that we’ll still have each other/You can stand under my umbrella/You can stand under my umbrella
Watch and learn from Rihanna.
Well, that concludes my Speaking of Strippers series. If you are looking for additional information on this career path, I highly recommend “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star” by Jenna Jameson. It will change your life.
In keeping with the stripper theme, I took it upon myself to poll some friends. They have graciously shared some pretty hoppin songs they would exotically dance to.
I have gathered four responses and I am going to group them in terms of their musical genre. The first genre will be a stretch for me…industrial rock/alternative rock music.
‘Closer’ – Nine Inch Nail
Since I promised to change names in order to protect the innocent, this friend of mine requested to be called Ginger Snaps…aka her stripper name. Now who wouldn’t want to tip a lady with a name like that?
What peaked my interest about Ginger Snaps response was when I asked what song she would choose…she immediately blurted out “Closer.” Looks like someone has thought about this before…tsk-tsk.
For those of you who have never heard “Closer” before, I’m warning you…the lyrics are toeing the R-rated line…I had to prove to YouTube that I was over 18 to watch the music video.
This jam has an excellent beat to shake your bon bon (and other areas) to, but the lyrics may give some people the wrong idea. Hey – whatever you’re into right?
Lyrics that exotic dancers would probably be proud of: “You get me closer to God.” It’s probably because they can climb a pole with all four limbs.
‘Uprising’ – Muse
Next up on the track list is a sweet jam by alternative rock band Muse. The lovely lady who chose this song actually called me to sing the lyrics…and what a beautiful voice she has.
This friend of mine requested to be called Coco…and not because of the reality show “Ice Loves Coco.”
Anywho, this Muse jam seems like an unlikely song to get your exotic dance on to…but Coco witnessed this jam in action at an actual strip club. She said it works and I believe her.
I think the occasional guitar riff throughout helps boosts this song’s stripper cred. If you take a listen and close your eyes…you can map out your dance moves from home.
Another aspect of this jam that cements it into the mix tapes of strippers everywhere, is that fact that this is a “let’s rage against the machine” kinda song. If that doesn’t make you want to dance on or by a pole, I don’t know what will.
Lyrics that exotic dancers would probably be proud of: “They will not force us/They will stop degrading us/They will not control us/We will be victorious”
It seems that I have been leaning towards the scandalous with my posts this week. So why stop now, right?
It has always been a lingering thought in my mind (and a few of my friends) what jam I/we would choose to be our exotic dance theme song.
I have decided that this is the time in our relationship to share my chosen song as well as the songs a few friends of mine (note: names have been changed to protect the innocent). Please don’t hesitate to share your jam…that includes the male exotic dancers too!
Beware: The following songs may inspire you to pole dance.
‘Ooh Ooh Baby’ – Britney Spears
Yup. You guessed it. It is I that has chosen a B. Spears jam to exotically dance to. Big surprise? I think not.
When this song comes on, I feel like it has the perfect rhythm for me to bop around on stage and collect some cash money. If you have seen my spiritual goddess on the “Femme Fatale” tour, you know Britney loves giving lap dances.
Remember when she gave DJ Pauly D a lap dance? I don’t know who I would rather be in that scenario. On one hand, I would love to be in Brit’s shoes because I would be all up in Pauly D’s business. But on the other hand, I would love to be Pauly D because how many people in this world can say “Hey, Britney Spears gave me a lap dance!” Decisions, decision.
I’m seriously considering installing a pole in my living room in order to learn how to swing properly. Any tips or tricks are welcome.
The lyrics to “Ooh Ooh Baby” also provide a scandalous exotic dancer-like undertone:
“Ooh, ooh baby/Touch me and i come alive/I can feel you on my lips/I can feel you deep inside”
Britney – I hear you girl.
Stay tuned for some more jams in my Speaking of Strippers saga!