In between the extreme twerking, grinding on Robin Thicke and sticking out her tongue …Miley Cyrus and her fiancé Liam Hemsworth have finally closed the chapter on their love. We all knew they were circling the drain (Katy Perry reference, anyone?), but I still had hopes these two would pull through.
You might say, “Hey Kari, it could still work out for these two.” I would say to you “Don’t string me along. I know it’s over.” How do I know that it’s over? Miley has stopped following her ex-boo on Twitter.
As a side note, when did unfollowing someone on Twitter become the be all and end all? I guess I’m from the generation that still feels unfriending people on Facebook really burns the other person. Can someone tell me if unfriending is still the way to figuratively burn others?
Anywho, Miley and Liam met back in 2009 on the set of “The Last Song” and yes, I did cry during the credits. The pair became engaged in May 2012 and I was so happy that I sorta felt like I was engaged. Ok, not really but I was happy for them.
In my opinion, what really got this breakup train rolling was when Miley cut off her long locks and began to rock the super short, extremely blonde mohawkish thing on her head. It was basically the haircut heard around the globe and Miley 2.0 was born. From this moment on, I’ve continuously stated “Liam is just too classy for Miley.” And for once, I was right…sorry Miley.
Let’s be real, Miley is obviously going through something. She wants to be a wild child and now is her chance to do it. She’s 20 and has a boatload of money. If you were in her shoes, wouldn’t you be doing the same thing? Personally, I wouldn’t choose that exact hairstyle, but I would be getting real wild.
Miley – Go buck wild and give Liam a call in a few years. That fling with January Jones won’t last long, she seems to be a little stagnant in the personality department. Oops, can’t say that.
I’m sure you’ve heard, but two pop ladies released some new jams today. Katy Perry released “Roar” and Lady Gaga released “Applause.”
I have to say, I’m not super impressed with either of them…I’ve heard better from these two. When I really started thinking about how I’m not in love with either of these songs, a scary thought entered my mind…am I too old for pop music?!!? Dear God, I hope not. What will I listen to? And don’t you dare say country music.
You take a listen to both songs and let me know your thoughts. First up is “Roar” by Katy Perry.
Next up, Lady Gaga’s “Applause.”
Let’s be real, once these songs hit the radio and I hear them approximately sixty times within the next three months, they will get stuck in my head and I’ll be changing my negative tune.
That literally happened to me with Miley’s new song, “We Can’t Stop,” about four hours ago. When I first heard “We Can’t Stop,” all I felt was longing for the “Can’t Be Tamed” days. Now, I’m into the new Cyrus single and I’m wondering how long it will take me to twerk like that.
Honestly, is “Roar” and “Applause” as good as “E.T.” and “Bad Romance” were? Because they were God damn great! As Hilary Duff once said, “let’s go back, back to the beginning” and bring back those cool jams!
That’s right, Kevin Federline has tied the knot again. He married his long-time lady Victoria Prince this past weekend at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas…typical.
The pair has been an item since 2008. They also have a child together… a little girl named Jordan Kay. I knew that, but I forgot because K-Fed has children sprawled out all over the U.S.A. He has two children with ex Shar Jackson and two with Britney Spears. I still curse the day those two met each other.
Anywho, can someone send me K-Fed’s address? I’d really like to send him a wedding gift. I’d also like to send him the 17-page strongly worded letter I wrote to him back in 2005 of all the ways he is a life ruiner.
While I wait for the address, I’d like to share this piece of K-Fed memorabilia. It’s his super cool rap music video for “Lose Control.”
Please note the following lyric: Don’t hate ‘cuz I’m a superstar and I married a superstar
K-Fed, I still curse the day you were born.
Kari is finally ready to speak on this matter. I thought talking in the 3rd person would give my statement more clout…
Anywho…since the glorious news of Katie and Tom’s divorce (#TeamKatie) broke last Friday, I knew without a doubt that Scientology played a substantial role. Let’s be real…any organization that has an aspect called auditing is bad news…and that includes the IRS.
As you can probably guess, I’ve been reading every article I set my pretty eyes on that contains the following words: Tom, Katie, Suri and even Tom’s other children that no one would recognize passing on the street. What I’ve been noticing is that many news outlets (okay, really just E! News) are speculating that Scientology played a role in the divorce. All I have to say is this…ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Of course Scientology played a role! Katie is such a good woman that she even tried to get into it. Remember that time Tom pulled Katie Holmes out in front of basically the whole world right after he jumped on Oprah’s couch? My beautiful flower had all these awkward growths on her face from some Scientology junk they made her drink. WTF Tom!?
Another obvious reason as to why I believe (and everyone else believes that Scientology played a role) is Suri. Little Suri needs to be educated and Tom wants to ship her off to the New Village Leadership Academy in Calabasas where their teaching revolves around “technology.” Since I imagine Suri growing up to be a fierce business woman or a fashionista, studying technology isn’t going to benefit her….it will just derail her potential.
Since Katie and myself were educated by the nuns while attending Catholic school…I believe that Suri should experience the same. While I have my issues with the Catholic school system, I believe I am a better woman for dodging the ruler beatings, learning to say the rosary at record speed, working on my arm muscles by carrying that bible EVERYWHERE, etc. I believe it does instill some valuable life skills which Suri can thrive from.
Finally, Scientology played a major in even locating Katie Holmes. There was an amazing article written by Andrew Morton in the “New York Post” titled, “How Katie was Cast to Play Tom Cruise’s Wife.” The article basically outlines Tom’s and the Church of Scientology’s quest to find him a suitable wife. Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Sofia Vergara were all targets to be his next wife. I highly suggest you read the article and see all of Tom’s creepy ways. My favorite line that Morton penned: “Wives may come and go. Scientology is forever.”
My closing remarks are as follows:
1. Team Katie
2. TTYN Tom
3. If Tom gets custody of Suri…our world as we know it is doomed. See the popular film “Independence Day” for clues on how to survive.
In the end…
Katie – I’m here for you boo. There is a room waiting for you in Scranton, PA. My mom will keep you and Suri safe…Carol isn’t afraid to deck a bitch!
P.S. So excited to see what young, hot man you start dating next! The options are endless!
but it has finally happened!
First of all…#TeamKatie
Don’t worry…I have a theory as to why TomKat’s marriage lasted as long as it did. While I’m gathering my thoughts and data and putting them into the idea machine, I wanted to leave you with this photo.
P.S. Matt Lauer…you’re next!
I was about 87% sure it was going to be me this time around. Well I guess there’s always next year…
Ever since her split with husband number one, Kim Kardashian has decided to stay mum on any potential/budding relationships.
While this sounds like a good philosophy to live by, Kim K isn’t doing so well at keeping her private life…private.
As you know, Kim has been seen prancing all over NYC with rapper Kanye West. Obviously rumors have been swirling that these two are a couple. Kim and Kanye have given us a variety of reasons for that conclusion:
- The pair has had multiple slumber parties that end with Kim doing the walk of shame the next morning
- Kanye laid out his feelings for the reality TV star/business woman on a new track titled, “Thera flu” where he states, “And I’ll admit, I fell in love with Kim/‘Round the same time she had fell in love wit’ him/Well, that’s cool, baby girl, do ya thing/Lucky I ain’t have Jay drop ‘im from the team”
- This past weekend West had dinner with the overwhelmingly large Kardashian family
While all that stuff can be deemed innocent, Kim really did a number today. She was spotted wearing earrings that contain the initials KW. I wonder who/what that could mean?
It seems that Kim isn’t really good at keeping Kanye a secret. But really, could anyone actually tame Kanye?
Has our little jail-bird been let out of her cage for good? Almost.
La Lohan appeared in court today and finally got some good news. Judge Sautner took Lohan off probation, which stems back all the way to her 2007 DUI arrest.
According to Us Weekly, Lindsay said “Oh My God” when she heard the good word that Judge Sautner passed her way.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…Lohan is still on probation for that darn necklace incident. Boo you whore.