My Summer Song Has Arrived: “West Coast”

Photo Courtesy: www.idolator.com

Photo Courtesy: http://www.idolator.com

Even though I am a fan of the East Coast, Lana Del Rey is putting up a pretty good argument for the West Coast.

Debuting this jam at Coachella, this will be the first single off of Lana’s third studio album “Ultraviolence” and I couldn’t be happier.

While this isn’t the official music video, take a look at Lana spinning around on the beach with some oddly good-looking dude with long beautiful blonde locks.

As we know, I am a fan of the redic lyrics Lana sings and this time is no different. Lyrics to listen out for:

On the balcony and I’m singing / Ooh baby, ooh baby, I’m in love / I can see my sweet boy swinging / He’s crazy and Cubano como yo my love

Be on the lookout for a black on black Ford Fiesta blasting this song all. summer. long.

 

 

About these ads

Remember When…Snooki was Snooki

Photo Courtesy: autos.aol.com

Photo Courtesy: autos.aol.com

Well, it looks like the party is officially over. Just 19 months after birthing her first child Lorenzo, Snooki…I mean Nicole Polizzi has announced she is with child number 2.

Snooks announced her pregnancy via her website, saying “Jionni and I are so excited to confirm that we are expecting our second child! Now knowing that our test results are good and our baby is healthy, we can finally talk about it!”

This is the third and final nail in the coffin that was Snooki. The first nail was getting pregs with baby number 1. The second nail was Snooki’s announcement that she didn’t want to be called Snooki anymore. Ugh. The third nail is this second pregnancy announcement. Things will never be the same. I’m heartbroken.

I know I should be happy for Snooks and Jionni, but I miss the old Snooki who wondered “where’s the beach?” and drank until her legs wouldn’t work. Am I the only one that misses those days?! So with this post, I would like to relive the good ole’ Snooki days.

Where’s the Beach?!

Let’s be honest, who hasn’t been on the boardwalk and wondered where the beach was? I think the best part of this scene was that even though JWow and Deena finally caught up with Snooks, she still managed to slip out of their grasp and face plant into the sand.

I’m just glad that one time I was looking for the beach wasn’t caught on film.

The Meaning of True Friendship

Who remembers when the meatballs roamed the Shore? I will never forget Snooki and her bestie Deena cruising for dudes and drinking booze. I mean, what else is there to do when you’re on vacation?

Photo Courtesy: www.ivillage.com

Photo Courtesy: http://www.ivillage.com

Some of the Meatball quotes that will stand the test of time:
  • “It’s only, like, Jersey girls that can dance so hard their underwears come off.” – Deena
  •  “Everybody Google it. Because that’s why the water is salty. From the f**king whale sperm.” – Snooki
  • “I just didn’t want my cuca to come out.” – Snooki
  • “Doing eyelashes when you’re buzzed is not a good time.” – Deena

Putting Fashion Above All

Remember back in Miami when Snooki bought these sweet shades? She was so committed to fashion that she would rather be blind than look like a fool. “The glasses are pretty much all crystalled out, all bling-bling, but when you put them on you can’t really see. . . so I don’t think you can’t drive with them. . . because you’ll get a ticket,” said Snooki. Who wants to bet she tried to drive with these on?

Snooki, I understand you’re a grown up and have a family, but can’t you let loose a few times a year (and let MTV film it)? I mean, who is going to teach me what to wear and new ways to refer to my cuca?

There are many, many more classic Snooki moments, please share your favs!

 

 

 

 

 


Lohan’s Hit List

Oh boy…Oprah is going to be pissed about this one!

Photo Courtesy: InTouch Weekly

Photo Courtesy: InTouch Weekly

In case you haven’t heard, Lindsay Lohan has come through for us again…in a big, big way! She allegedly wrote down all the dudes she slept with and somehow InTouch Weekly “obtained a copy.”

The list was allegedly written on January 30, 2013 at the Beverly Hills Hotel and Lindsay was allegedly there with friends and allegedly wrote down all 36 of her conquests. After showing off the list, she casually tossed it aside and someone scooped it up and skipped right to the InTouch Weekly office.

I would now like to share my thoughts on a few of the men who Herbied Lindsay (get it?).

Joaquin Phoenix aka J. Phoenix

I’m really hoping this was in his “I’m Still Here” phase where he grew that crazy beard and went all crazy. I’m going to throw this out there and say he must have got his hands on that bad batch of molly that was floating around Philadelphia a few months ago. I mean that would be the only logical explanation as to why Joaquin retired from acting after winning an Oscar to become a rap star. I can actually see Linds being down with that, you know, because I know her.

Colin Farrell

Just remember…Britney hit that first.

Zac Efron aka Zack Effron

Photo Courtesy: www.mtv.com

Photo Courtesy: http://www.mtv.com

I have two points I’d like to make about this:

1. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2. Well, at least she knew his name…that’s really all we can ask for.

Justin Timberlake

I pretty much thought all of the dudes Lindsay listed were legit until I saw Timberlake. I’m sure billions of women around the world say they have slept with Justin, but I really can’t see our girl Linds closing the deal on this one. I will say that I really hope this burns Jessica Biel! Why do I say that? Because he belongs with BRITNEY! I mean how many times do I have to say it!? Biel…step aside!

Anywho, there were some other famous dudes named on the list, such as Adam Levine, Max George (That guy from The Wanted) and even James Franco. A lot of the names were blurred…I’m sure in three days time all will be revealed.

Thanks Linds!


Jumping on the Bieber Bandwagon

I’d like to think that I don’t take part in the bandwagon effect, but then I start thinking back to all the fads I participated in and realized I’m the definition of jumping on the bandwagon. I even took the time to make a list.

Kari’s Bandwagon List:

  • I raised a Furby
  • I #killedit in my jean jacket with patches
  • Begged my mom to travel the state with me for every single beanie baby ever made

These are only 3 of the many, many fads I found myself involved in and that’s before I turned 15! 

Anywho, as I’m sure you’ve heard, Justin Bieber was arrested a few days ago in Miami for drag racing and driving under the influence of some beer, pot and prescription pills. I also heard that the Bieb’s dad was setting up the drag race course and the Biebs scooped the pills from his mom. Ruh oh. It was inevitable that JB was going to have an arrest under his belt and I’m actually surprised it took this long. Even though I don’t condone what he did, I do love a good celebrity mug shot!

So with this post, I would like to share the Bieb’s mug shot (only to boost my click thru rate) and my fav celeb mug shots of all time. Well, so far.

Reese Witherspoon

I only choose Reese because of the redic things she said to the police office when her and her husband got pulled over for driving a little wild.

Reese hollered the following at an officer of the law:

  • “Do you know my name, sir?”
  • “I’m a U.S. citizen. I’m allowed to stand on American ground and ask any question.”
  • “You’re harassing me as an American citizen. You better not arrest me.”

Who knew Reese was such a fan of America?

Photo Courtesy: www.cnn.com

Photo Courtesy: http://www.cnn.com


Mel Gibson

Remember that time Mel Gibson was arrested for suspicion of drunk driving? Mel’s mood took a hard right turn straight to hell and when he laid his eyes on a female officer he asked, “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?”

Clearly, I don’t agree with what Mel said, but how unexpected was that question? At what point does your brain say, “Hey, these two words work well together.” Apparently this phrase really impacted pop culture because someone took the time to manufacture a t-shirt.

Lindsay Lohan

And the winner is…

Photo Courtesy: www.time.com

Photo Courtesy: http://www.time.com

Keep your eyes on the news…I’m sure once Sunday hits, there will be another beautiful celeb mugshot!


Future Oprah Book Club Contenders…Part I

For those that haven’t heard the glorious news, Lindsay Lohan has begun writing a tell-all book! Not only is it a tell-all book that will include all the drugs, parties and blackouts we weren’t invited to, it is reported that LiLo started writing while she was in rehab! I’m mostly excited about the fact that she started penning her memoir in rehab because I’m 85% sure she was sober while there.

After hearing this news, I got to thinking about other celebrities who I would like to write their personal stories in book form. Obviously it is my duty to share these thoughts with my fan base.

Katie Holmes

Now this one would fly right up the best sellers list and help support Suri’s fashion addiction.

Who wouldn’t want to read about Katie and Tom Cruise’s marriage life, how Suri was conceived and the details of the covert plan to divorce Tom?! These thoughts keep me up at night.

I’m imagining Katie writing a truthful tale starting from how she met Tom, leading up to her life as a divorcee. Did Tom pick Katie out of a list of already selected brides or did they actually meet and fall in love? I heard that Jessica Alba said no and Katie was next on the list. If I was Katie, I’d be pissed I wasn’t number one.

I want to hear about the day-to-day, did Tom have someone babysitting Katie from the Scientologist camp, what’s it like to be a Scientologist, and IS TOM A GAY!? Jeez Tom, even Ricky Martin came out of the closet.

Some more questions I’d like the answers to include:

  • Did Tom make Katie slouch in pictures because she towered over him? This is clearly a yes.
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how ridiculous was the couch jumping scene on Oprah? Hopefully an 11.
  • Did Katie really get with Jamie Foxx? I sure hope so because I accidentally stumbled upon his birthday suit photos (thank you Internet) and I will definitely award Katie a point on that one.

I have always believed in Katie Holmes and I have always imagined her getting that role that will lead her down the path to Oscar gold. I’m so glad Tom is out of the picture. Now is her time to shine and get with some much younger dudes.

Don’t worry, I’ll get to part II eventually.


Miley and that Tongue are Single and Ready to Mingle

Photo Courtesy: http://people.com

Photo Courtesy: http://people.com

In between the extreme twerking, grinding on Robin Thicke and sticking out her tongue …Miley Cyrus and her fiancé Liam Hemsworth have finally closed the chapter on their love. We all knew they were circling the drain (Katy Perry reference, anyone?), but I still had hopes these two would pull through.

You might say, “Hey Kari, it could still work out for these two.” I would say to you “Don’t string me along. I know it’s over.” How do I know that it’s over? Miley has stopped following her ex-boo on Twitter.

As a side note, when did unfollowing someone on Twitter become the be all and end all? I guess I’m from the generation that still feels unfriending people on Facebook really burns the other person. Can someone tell me if unfriending is still the way to figuratively burn others?

Photo Courtesy: www.melty.fr

Photo Courtesy: http://www.melty.fr

Anywho, Miley and Liam met back in 2009 on the set of “The Last Song” and yes, I did cry during the credits. The pair became engaged in May 2012 and I was so happy that I sorta felt like I was engaged. Ok, not really but I was happy for them.

In my opinion, what really got this breakup train rolling was when Miley cut off her long locks and began to rock the super short, extremely blonde mohawkish thing on her head. It was basically the haircut heard around the globe and Miley 2.0 was born. From this moment on, I’ve continuously stated “Liam is just too classy for Miley.” And for once, I was right…sorry Miley.

Let’s be real, Miley is obviously going through something. She wants to be a wild child and now is her chance to do it. She’s 20 and has a boatload of money. If you were in her shoes, wouldn’t you be doing the same thing? Personally, I wouldn’t choose that exact hairstyle, but I would be getting real wild.

Miley – Go buck wild and give Liam a call in a few years. That fling with January Jones won’t last long, she seems to be a little stagnant in the personality department. Oops, can’t say that.


Singles Dropping Left and Right

Photo Courtesy: www.popdust.com

Photo Courtesy: http://www.popdust.com

I’m sure you’ve heard, but two pop ladies released some new jams today. Katy Perry released “Roar” and Lady Gaga released “Applause.”

I have to say, I’m not super impressed with either of them…I’ve heard better from these two. When I really started thinking about how I’m not in love with either of these songs, a scary thought entered my mind…am I too old for pop music?!!? Dear God, I hope not. What will I listen to? And don’t you dare say country music.

You take a listen to both songs and let me know your thoughts. First up is “Roar” by Katy Perry.

Next up, Lady Gaga’s “Applause.”

Let’s be real, once these songs hit the radio and I hear them approximately sixty times within the next three months, they will get stuck in my head and I’ll be changing my negative tune.

That literally happened to me with Miley’s new song, “We Can’t Stop,” about four hours ago. When I first heard “We Can’t Stop,” all I felt was longing for the “Can’t Be Tamed” days. Now, I’m into the new Cyrus single and I’m wondering how long it will take me to twerk like that.

Honestly, is “Roar” and “Applause” as good as “E.T.” and “Bad Romance” were? Because they were God damn great! As Hilary Duff once said, “let’s go back, back to the beginning” and bring back those cool jams!


Third Baby Mama a Charm for K-Fed?

That’s right, Kevin Federline has tied the knot again. He married his long-time lady Victoria Prince this past weekend at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas…typical.

The pair has been an item since 2008. They also have a child together… a little girl named Jordan Kay. I knew that, but I forgot because K-Fed has children sprawled out all over the U.S.A. He has two children with ex Shar Jackson and two with Britney Spears. I still curse the day those two met each other.

Anywho, can someone send me K-Fed’s address? I’d really like to send him a wedding gift. I’d also like to send him the 17-page strongly worded letter I wrote to him back in 2005 of all the ways he is a life ruiner.

While I wait for the address, I’d like to share this piece of K-Fed memorabilia. It’s his super cool rap music video for “Lose Control.”

Please note the following lyric: Don’t hate ‘cuz I’m a superstar and I married a superstar 

K-Fed, I still curse the day you were born.


Did Scientology Play a Role in TomKat’s Divorce?

Photo Courtesy: nj.com

Kari is finally ready to speak on this matter. I thought talking in the 3rd person would give my statement more clout…

Anywho…since the glorious news of Katie and Tom’s divorce (#TeamKatie) broke last Friday, I knew without a doubt that Scientology played a substantial role. Let’s be real…any organization that has an aspect called auditing is bad news…and that includes the IRS.

As you can probably guess, I’ve been reading every article I set my pretty eyes on that contains the following words: Tom, Katie, Suri and even Tom’s other children that no one would recognize passing on the street. What I’ve been noticing is that many news outlets (okay, really just E! News) are speculating that Scientology played a role in the divorce. All I have to say is this…ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Photo Courtesy: celebritybabyscoop.com

Of course Scientology played a role! Katie is such a good woman that she even tried to get into it. Remember that time Tom pulled Katie Holmes out in front of basically the whole world right after he jumped on Oprah’s couch? My beautiful flower had all these awkward growths on her face from some Scientology junk they made her drink. WTF Tom!?

Another obvious reason as to why I believe (and everyone else believes that Scientology played a role) is Suri. Little Suri needs to be educated and Tom wants to ship her off to the New Village Leadership Academy in Calabasas where their teaching revolves around “technology.” Since I imagine Suri growing up to be a fierce business woman or a fashionista, studying technology isn’t going to benefit her….it will just derail her potential.

Since Katie and myself were educated by the nuns while attending Catholic school…I believe that Suri should experience the same. While I have my issues with the Catholic school system, I believe I am a better woman for dodging the ruler beatings, learning to say the rosary at record speed, working on my arm muscles by carrying that bible EVERYWHERE, etc. I believe it does instill some valuable life skills which Suri can thrive from.

Finally, Scientology played a major in even locating Katie Holmes. There was an amazing article written by Andrew Morton in the “New York Post” titled, “How Katie was Cast to Play Tom Cruise’s Wife.” The article basically outlines Tom’s and the Church of Scientology’s quest to find him a suitable wife. Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Sofia Vergara were all targets to be his next wife. I highly suggest you read the article and see all of Tom’s creepy ways. My favorite line that Morton penned: “Wives may come and go. Scientology is forever.”

Photo Courtesy: popsugar.com

My closing remarks are as follows:

1. Team Katie

2. TTYN Tom

3. If Tom gets custody of Suri…our world as we know it is doomed. See the popular film “Independence Day” for clues on how to survive.

In the end…

Katie – I’m here for you boo. There is a room waiting for you in Scranton, PA. My mom will keep you and Suri safe…Carol isn’t afraid to deck a bitch!

P.S. So excited to see what young, hot man you start dating next! The options are endless!


I’ve Been Waiting Five Long Years…

but it has finally happened!

Image

Photo Courtesy: fark.com

First of all…#TeamKatie

Don’t worry…I have a theory as to why TomKat’s marriage lasted as long as it did. While I’m gathering my thoughts and data and putting them into the idea machine, I wanted to leave you with this photo.

Stay tuned!

P.S. Matt Lauer…you’re next! 


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 192 other followers