How are you? I am fine. I just wanted to let you know that I will be taking the next few days off. I have started a real life job (!!!!!) and need to get acclimated to this new schedule.
Don’t worry, I’ll be back this weekend!
P.S. My friend Staniel <3 shared a great picture with me and I would like to pass it on to you…to hold you over until I post again.
NY Daily News is reporting that Team Britney and Team Simon have finally reached a deal that will result in getting Britney’s ass on “The X Factor.” Britney is set to fill one of the open seats at the judges’ table left open by Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger.
My spiritual goddess will be getting $15 million for sitting at a table and judging people…I bet J.Lo is pissed, she only rakes in a cool $12 million on “Idol.” As for Paula Abdul’s previous salary, Simon only gave her $2.5 million. Talk about jipped.
According to the NY Daily News article, “The fact that she’s [Spears] one of the most talked about — not just pop stars, but people — in the world today means that you’ve got this star power,” Cowell told Billy Bush in February on “The Billy Bush Show.” “She’s still hot, she’s still having hit records, and she’s still controversial. There’s a reason for that,” said Cowell.
Looks like I’m watching “The X Factor” now.
No need to get your eyes checked…you’ve read correctly. Below I will share with you the glorious 24 hours I spent with the legendary Miss Britney Spears.
It all began when I started a letter-writing campaign titled, “Yo Britney, Holla Back.” The goal: to spend the day hanging out with my spirit animal. After 70 letters, I finally received the phone call I’ve been waiting for all my life and I knew it was Britney when I heard “Hey Ya’ll.” To read about my full experience with B. Spears, check out The Rectangle! Which provides laughs, giggles and happiness to all.
You all remember the shakeup of the judges table on “The X Factor” right? Basically, creator/judge Simon Cowell gave Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger the boot. Nicole’s beautiful hair and Paula’s crazy weren’t bringing in enough ratings.
Now with two spots open…Cowell has been (allegedly) charming such stars as Katy Perry, Janet Jackson, Pink, Avril Lavigne and the legendary Miss Britney Spears to hop onboard.
It’s now being reported that Spears is nearing a deal to officially sign on to judge the singing competition show. Her fiancée, Jason Trawick, is negotiating the deal and a contract could be signed as early as next week…[Insert scream here].
According to Billboard.com, “To prepare for the seat alongside judges Cowell and Epic Records chairman L.A. Reid, Spears is undergoing extensive media training.”
I’m picturing my spiritual goddess sitting in a judges chair, Cowell is spinning her around at an extremely high speed while blowing a whistle in her face and L.A Reid constantly screams “Who are you?” while the pop star calmly replies “It’s Britney, Bitch.”
I’ll be honest, I didn’t watch “The X Factor” last season, but if Spears signs on…I won’t be blinking for the entire time the show is on…including commercial breaks.
As you know, Tuesdays are typically meant to be topless…at least in my habitat. But this particular Tuesday is different. Why you ask? It’s the most dreaded time of year…Valentine’s Day. Dum, dum, dum.
I usually celebrate this holiday by playing bitter songs and heckling couples out my window. That hasn’t gone so well in the past, so I have decided to pour my bitterness onto my blog!
I thought the best way to effectively convey my bitterness was through song. Below are my personal favorite breakup/non demeaning to women songs that are perfect for all those lovers out there.
5. ‘Stronger’ – Britney Spears
Back in the day, Britney seemed more positive about love, but things change. After experiencing the most crushing breakup in the history of breakups and two marriages, Britney has been a card-carrying member of the bitter club since 2006. Out of the many songs my spiritual goddess has recorded, “Stronger” seems like the best jam to put on the Bitter Club soundtrack.
What I have learned from this jam: When you finally break up with that loser, you become stronger than yesterday and can bust out a sweet chair dance.
4. ‘Breakin’ Dishes’ – Rihanna
This song is epic for several reasons: I can get my dance on, I now know if my man is out until 3:30 a.m. I am legally allowed to break his dishes and burn his clothing and I don’t have to stop until I see police lights.
Rihanna – Thank you for this instruction manual.
3. ‘Never Again’ – Kelly Clarkson
What is a bitter countdown without the president of the bitter club…Miss Kelly Clarkson. I think one line in this song can sum it up better than I ever could: “I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.” O0o0o burn.
What I have learned from Kelly over the years is that bitterness is like a baby, it grows with age.
2. ‘Bye Bye Bye’ – N’Sync
Since it’s only fair I give my male fans a jam to jam out to, I have chosen an oldie but a goodie. Yes, I’m bringing it all the way back to when Justin Timberlake had the fro…his best days <3
Hopefully, Justin will take his own advice and say bye, bye, bye to Jessica Biel…oops, can’t say that.
1. ‘Independent Women’ – Destiny’s Child
This song provides us ladies a very important lesson. If you can’t figure it out after watching the video…I’m afraid all hope is lost for you.
Happy Valentine’s Day…Take that Cupid.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, Happy Birthday, etc. Below is the extent of my holiday.
Since everyone needs a little Britney in their holiday celebration…here is my gift to you:
Stay classy – Love, Kari
Happy 30th birthday, Britney! These last 30 years have been magical and I cannot wait for the next 30.
Oh yea, call me!
Of course I have an extremely long handwritten list of all the Spears songs that I want released as singles. Since I would like to keep my adoring fans happy, this will be the last post on this topic…I pinky swear.
When people think of Britney, they don’t think of her slow jams, they think of her upbeat, catchy songs (as they should). But Brit always sneaks a few mellow songs onto her albums and I believe they deserve a chance to shine.
Landing at lucky number seven on “Circus” aka the comeback album, “Unusual You” tells the tale of Britney finally finding a man that treats her good.
We all know Britney’s choice in men hasn’t been the best (excluding Justin and Jason). “Unusual You” is where Britney shares the fact that she is used to being treated like less than the queen she is. We learn that Britney meets a new gentleman and he treats her good, hence the unusual part.
As a woman of the 90s, I totally get what’s she saying! Where are all the good men? They certainly aren’t at the bars…been there, done that. Maybe the good ones are at the grocery store, everyone does have to eat. Or could they be at the library, everyone does need to pick up a Nicholas Sparks novel from time to time. Hmm.
I picture the music video showing Britney working on her fitness and the unusual man is in the boxing ring. Next, Britney and her unusual man lock eyes. The rest of the video shows Brit and her new man at the park playing Frisbee, cooking tater tots in her kitchen and even taking a spin class together…that’s love.
Favise lyrics: “Baby, you’re so unusual/Didn’t anyone tell you, you’re supposed to/Break my heart?/I expect you to, so why haven’t you?”
Britney – Hopefully your new beau is fulfilling the unusual role. If he steps out of line…I will not hesitate to pepper spray him.
He About To Lose Me
This track is one of my absolute favorite Britney Spears songs. So much so that it is my ring tone on my cellular telephone. ..that’s dedication. This jam is track number 14 on the deluxe edition of “Femme Fatale,” not even making the regular edition of the CD!
This song tells the tale of Britney meeting a man that lights her fire, while at the same time her other man is at home waiting for her. The “someone” at home does not see Brit or make her feel hot. Britney sings about the pain of having to either go home to the deadbeat bf or get it in with the hot dude at the club. Decisions, decisions.
Music video scene: Brit is at a club with her girlfriends…a ridiculously good-looking man comes up to Britney and flips her world upside down…on the dance floor of course. The rest of the video flashes back between an unhappy Brit with the deadbeat bf and a smiling Brit with the dude on the dance floor.
Of course the video would end without the audience knowing which dude Britney chooses. That’s how they get us to watch the next music video…duh.
Favise lyrics: “I’m touching hands with someone seriously beautiful”
Britney – Please, please, please release this song as a single…and call me!
If you have the Fuse network, you know this is the only channel that airs music videos on a regular basis. The network likes to use a lot of themes and I appreciate a good theme…for example:
- Best Hip-Hop Songs of the Last 1648 Years
- Sexiest Music Videos of All Time…Ever
- The Best Music Videos in the History of Music Videos
Tonight I was watching Fuse and a show called “Loaded” was on. This show choses one artist and airs a bunch of their music videos in a row. This particular episode was close to my heart…it was “Loaded: Britney Spears.” I need to pause for a moment: don’t you even dare think of saying a drunken B. Spears joke or I will slap you through your computer screen. As my mother says, “Try me.”
Anywho, as I was enjoying a diet coke and some Britney, I thought about all the other songs Britney should have released and shared with the masses.
Can’t Make You Love Me
This ridiculously catchy song lands as track number 10 on Spears second studio album “Oops…I Did It Again.” What I think Britney was trying to convey in this pop-ballad is the fact that she doesn’t need a man who has boatloads of money or fame in order to be their lady.
As for the music video, I picture Britney just finishing a concert and being whisked away to her sweet Hummer limo. On her way, she spots a handsome roadie packing up some equipment. All of a sudden…BAM…Brit is smacked in the face by Cupid himself.
This song is Britney’s way of letting her roadie know she could trade in those fancy cars to be his groupie. The rest of the video proceeds to tell the tale of Britney and her roadie living the dream in the back of a pickup.
Favise lyrics: “Don’t care about money/It doesn’t give me half the thrill/ To the thought of you, honey.” *cough* K-fed *cough*
Britney – You don’t need to make anyone love you…they already do boo, they already do.
The title of the song says it all! You know Britney has a few nights like these under her belt. While this is a slow jam, it does give us three minutes and seven seconds of pure honesty from my spiritual goddess.
Horrendously buried at track number 8 on Spears sixth studio album “Circus,” “Blur” tells the tale of B. Spears waking up at a random dude’s bachelor pad and not remembering a damn thing. Britney sings, “Who are you? What we do…last night?” Oh you know what they did alright.
I picture the music video beginning with the camera facing a window as the sun is coming up. The camera spans down and we see Britney with an arm over her eyes saying, “Turn the lights out/This shit is way too fucking bright/Wanna poke my eyes out.”
Next, Britney realizes there is a random, but beautiful man next to her who happens to be naked…no big deal. The rest of the music video consists of Britney gathering her belongings that were thrown all over while simultaneously flashing back to the glorious night before. The end shows Britney walking out of the dude’s place with a smile on her face.
Favise lyrics: “Where the hell am I?”
Britney – This jam cemented you as my spiritual goddess for the rest of my life. Call me!