Topless Tuesday

The moment you have been waiting for since last Tuesday has arrived…it’s Topless Tuesday!

In thinking about all the previous men I have placed in my mini topless spotlight, I noticed I mostly focus on actors. Since I am all about social justice, I have chosen a man who plays sports for a living…Gasp!

Before I reveal…I want to preface that I know pennies about sports as compared to the millions I know about celebrities. So let’s learn together!

Cristiano Ronaldo

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Cristiano is like the sun…you can’t stare at him to long or you will lose your sight. On the bright side (get it?), he is considered the most expensive man in his sport.

Today, I learned that it depends on where you hail from that determines what you call this game…either soccer or football. I’m from Scranton, PA and I call this game “duck” because whenever I was forced to play I would always duck to avoid getting hit in the face. Sorry, I just had a horrible flashback to gym class.

Anywho, how did Cristiano get to where he is today…let’s start from the beginning.

Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro was born Feb. 5, 1985 in the exotical (on purpose) area known as Portugal…more specifically Funchal, which is the largest city and capital of Portugal’s autonomous region of Madeira…thank you Wikipedia <3

Cristiano began his rise to soccer glory with Team Andorinha in 1993 and bopped all the way to Real Madrid in 2009. Yes, I know I skipped a lot of stuff in between but let’s be real…you aren’t here for that.

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However, I will list some of Mr. Ronaldo’s major sporty accomplishments:

  • Cristiano makes 12 million euros a year for playing with Real Madrid…no time for conversion, I’m on a deadline. This paycheck makes him one of the highest paid soccer stars in thy world.
  • He has a bajillion awards for his sweet moves…consult Google for more info.
  • Cristiano also holds the record for highest goalscorer in a season with 53 goals! You go, girl!

On to the more important things…Cristiano and his sisters opened a fashion boutique called “CR7.” If you notice…the boutique’s name includes his initials and soccer number. He is so clever…maybe even more so the Kardashian sister. Their boutique is just called Dash…no numbers included.

Back in 2010, Madame Tussauds in London honored Cristiano with a wax figure that cost $218,000 to create…you know you have made it when…

Another milestone Cristiano reached was when he hit 10 million fans on Facebook! He claimed the crown of being the first non-American celebrity to achieve such a level of social network popularity.

As for Cristiano’s dating life…he’s been linked to a bunch of models..blah,blah,blah.

Finally, I must touch upon the baby mama drama. According to BBC, Cristiano announced via Facebook and Twitter “that he had exclusive custody of the baby boy, born in June to an anonymous American.”

“With the agreement of the mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, I will have exclusive custody of my son,” Cristiano said of the matter.

Dear Cristiano, you are so pretty. Can I start telling people that I am the anonymous American? It will boost my street cred.

If Loving You is Wrong…I Don’t Want to Be Right

We all have those celebrities that we absolutely love but are afraid to discuss our deep admiration for in a public setting. Let’s be real…no one wants to be ostracized from their social group for liking a awkward/creepy/random famous person. At this point in my life, I can no longer contain my love for such celebrities and feel like now is the perfect time to share.

I was going to hold a press conference but I figured posting on my blog would be the best way to do this. At least when I read the comments that berated me for loving such celebrities I can cry alone in my room.

Derek Hough

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I would like to first start out by saying…who doesn’t love a man that enjoys dressing up in sparkly costumes, appreciates a good dance number and doesn’t mind a fake tan?

Ladies, such men are getting few and far between!

At the beginning of every single season of “Dancing with the Stars,” I get all aflutter. In my advanced research on the DWTS topic, I found that most people are also excited…just not about the same thing as I am.

On one hand, many are pumped for the somewhat famous people the show chooses to put through dancing hell. On the other hand, I am excited about seeing Derek Hough shake that ass.

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Why I love Derek:

  • Watching Derek dance is like watching baby kittens and/or puppies prance around…it just makes me feel like sunshine.
  • He is a hard worker. In the words of Ice Cube, Derek not only puts his back into the choreography but he puts his femurs, wisdom teeth and even his coccyx into it.
  • I typically don’t like blondes, but Derek has converted me.
  • He can twirl better than you and me…combined.

Fun Facts About Derek:

  • Derek has three Primetime Emmy Award nominations for Outstanding Choreography…and outstanding it is.
  • He is in a band, more specifically the Ballas Hough Band…need I say more?
  • Derek is also an accomplished actor…he starred as “Hogwarts schoolboy” in “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.”
  • Mr. Hough dated former dancing parter Shannon Elizabeth for almost a year. They announced their breakup via Twitter. On the bright side, I announced to Derek that I’m single and ready to mingle…still waiting for a reply or at least a friggin retweet.

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If Loving You is Wrong…I Don’t Want to Be Right because:

Derek – Jesus blessed you with the gift to move your hips the way many men (and women) only dream of.

You can also take a woman who has zero dancing experience and turn her into a dancing queen…I’ll give credit where credit is due.

I don’t care if people ridicule me for loving you…they will be jealous when you choreograph our wedding dance…Latin style of course.

P.S. Tell your sister to drop Seacrest before it’s too late!

Remember When…

Khloe & Lamar hawked a unisex fragrance

Since E! thinks no one knows who Khloe Kardashian is and/or who Lam Lam is, the network is running the promo for Season 2 of Khloe & Lamar (debuting Feb. 19th) every 4.6 seconds. For some ungodly reason I continue to sit on my precious ass and watch the preview over and over again. This promo reminded me of another promotion Khloe and Lam Lam were involved in…

Ahh yes…Unbreakable! In the words of Scott Disick: Strong enough for a man, sensitive enough for a woman.

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Let me start with this declarative sentence…Khloe Kardashian is my favise Kdash sister. I don’t care if she is a Kardashian, a Trump or from Mars…I love her. She’s got spunk, sass and the best jokes in the history of jokes. Did I take that one too far?

Anywho, there is just something about this commercial that makes me feel like a weirdy. I think it’s the fact that Khloe and Lam Lam are talking about sharing a scent…I’m not a wolf…I don’t need to share a scent.

Well that isn’t true, I do share a scent. My choice scent is Fantasy by Britney Spears…available at Macy’s. But that is a socially acceptable scent to share! By purchasing Fantasy by Britney Spears…I not only smell like heaven but I am also helping start a college fund for Jayden James. People helping people…it’s a beautiful thing.

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Maybe Kris Jenner forced Khloe and Lam Lam to do this? I just picture Kris Jenner explaining the business idea to the Unbreakable couple and Khloe laughs so hard she pees or bitch slaps Jenner across the face.

Apparently my speculations were false. From Khloe’s personal website…she tells a different tale. “We’ve both been wearing it every day since its completion and I can’t stop smelling myself LOL. People literally stop me and ask what I’m wearing and the fact that I can say my own fragrance blows my mind!!!”

Khloe and Lam Lam – I still love you two despite this fragrance debacle. Every once in a while we all do things that involve us washing the shame off the next day. No big deal! See you in Dallas <3

Photo of the Day

Sometimes I stumble upon a great/horrendous/hilarious photo that evokes various emotional responses such as: sobbing, LOLing, smiley face, mean face or sad face.

The photo I chose today was in response to the sweet rapper – Snoop Dog – I’m going to see in the flesh this Saturday evening:

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I have a few things to say:

1. Where do I get a mesh basketball jersey?

2. Why is Britney Spears (spiritual goddess) hanging out with Snoop? Are they drinking gin and juice after their bball game? If so, why wasn’t I invited?

3. Does Britney only have one hoop earring in?

4. Who is that handsome young gentleman in the back? I shall call him…dimples.

Topless Tuesday

This past Saturday, I did not make my way out to the bar to hunt for a husband. Instead I stayed home and watched a Lifetime movie…typical. One of the reasons I love Lifetime is because they make movies based on real events. For example: “Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy” and “The Bling Ring.”

The movie I recently watched was “Drew Peterson: Untouchable.” Watching this film reminded me of my anger and I am once again severely appalled that these women let Peterson (creepfest) reel them in! Another thought, I wonder if Drew Peterson actually told his neighbor…”I’m untouchable, bitch.”

Anywho the actor who played Peterson is my Topless Tuesday champion for this week…

Rob Lowe

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Ohh Rob <3 This gentleman has had quite a career spanning back to 1979. I’m getting ahead of myself…let me tap the breaks here.

On March 17, 1964 Robert Helper Lowe was birthed in Charlottesville, VA. Side note: when Rob was an infant he caught a virus that left him deaf in his right ear.

Rob attended Santa Monica High School…some of his schoolmates included Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Sean Penn, and Robert Downey, Jr…no big deal.

While Rob has had many, many roles, I only want to highlight a few (or we would be here for 17 days).

Mr. Lowe’s breakout role was in “The Outsiders.” Next on the docket, the classics: “St. Elmo’s Fire,” “Wayne’s World” and “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.”

Rob Lowe is also a fan of the small screen. Starting in 1999, Rob played Sam Seaborn on “The West Wing” and after much controversy Rob left the series early. Side note: Rob passed on the role of Dr. Derek Shepherd on “Grey’s Anatomy!” Let me tell you…if Rob was on that show, I’d still be watching it.

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In 2006, Rob took on the guest role of Robert McCallister on “Brother’s & Sisters.” His special guest role lasted until the 4th season. Spoiler Alert! They killed him off the show…how rude. Currently, Rob is taking on the hilarious role of Chris Traeger on “Parks and Recreation.”

Remember back in the day when Rob was out of control? I do and there is one movie of Rob’s that I didn’t mention yet…his sex tape! Way back when in 1998…more specifically the night before the Democratic National Convention…Rob and two ladies made a sex tape. While these tapes are common in Hollywood, Rob’s cause such an uproar because one of the girls was 16! That’s a no-no.

While his wild ways (which included some painkillers) did put some huge dents into his career, Rob has since bounced back and seems to be doing great! I love a good comeback story. These days Rob is spending time with his wife (ugh), two kids and making moves in Hollywood.

Rob – I have added the phrase “I’m untouchable, bitch” to my vocabulary. Thank you for that. P.S. keep doing Lifetime movies…preferably with your shirt off <3

Happy Birthday Kelly Kapowski!

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If you don’t know who Kelly Kapowski is…I really don’t know how to help you with that. But if you do know her…it’s time to celebrate!

Okay, okay it’s not really Kelly Kapowski’s birthday…but it is Tiffani-Amber Thiessen’s 38th birthday! Tiffani is best known for her TV roles on “Saved By the Bell” and “Beverly Hill, 90210.”

In 1974, the birthday girl was born in Long Beach, California and grew up to be an actual beauty queen.

In 1987, Tiffani was crowned Miss Junior America and won the “Great Model Search” sponsored by Teen magazine. Winning this contest landed Tiffani on the cover of the mag and helped her obtain the biggest role of her life…Kelly Kapowski.

When Tiffani was 15 she auditioned for “Saved By the Bell” and won the role! Let me tell you, I would not be the woman I am today without Kelly Kapowski!

When “Saved By the Bell” sadly ended after those awkward college years, Aaron Spelling scooped Tiffani up and dropped her into the 90210 zip code. Tiffani played Valarie Malone who is described as “unwholesome and emotionally troubled.” The best kind of character.

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After her time in “Beverly Hill, 90210” was up, Tiffani starred in a boatload of made for TV movies and now she is currently starring on USA’s “White Collar” with the beautiful Matt Bomer.

Let’s get personal…back in the day Tiffani dated Brian Austin Green aka Mr. Megan Fox and was engaged to Richard Ruccolo…that guy from “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.” It didn’t work out with Richard…this gave me hope that Mark Paul Gosselaar was still an option.

Much to my dismay, Tiffani married Brady Smith in 2005. They also have a baby together named Harper.

On that note…let’s relive the good old days…and remember there is no hope with dope!

Tiffani – Happy Birthday! Thanks to you, I’m still looking for my Zack Morris.

Dear *Fill In Celebrity Name Here*

I know, I know…its been quite some time since I’ve written an open letter to a celebrity. My rage blackouts have been less frequent. That could be from the anger management classes or because of some sweet advice from my roommate. She told me petting a cat lessens your stress level…I’ve started to carry the cat around in one of those backpacks for babies.

Dear Taylor Swift,

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I know that by writing this open letter to “The Country Girl Next Door” I am going to get boatloads of mail telling me I’m going to hell or something of that sort. I’ll save you the stamp…I’ve already booked that ticket south.

What spurred this letter was a post on that I saw yesterday. The post was titled, “Taylor Swift and Zac Efron Went On A Flirty Dinner Date Together!! OMG!!”

Why would Perez or anyone for that matter be excited about this?! Taylor Swift is what Nelly Furtado and I like to call a “Maneater.” For those that don’t know (*cough* Taylor *cough*) a maneater is “an irresistible woman who chews and spits out men after using them for some sort of gain — be it sexual, financial or psychological.” Since Swift is making bank…I’m going to go with the sexual or psychological option for $500, Alex.

Let’s make a list of the men Swifty has plowed through:

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1. Joe Jonas – Taylor probably burned that purity ring right off his finger.

2. Taylor Lautner – Taylor dating Taylor…Paris Hilton was probably thinking, “Been there, done that…did not loves it”

3. Jake Gyllenhaal – I have no words…only letters…W.T.F.

4. John Mayer – So after Jen Aniston AND Jessica Simpson you thought this was a good idea? Ugh, really?

5. Chord Overstreet – Maybe you thought you would try a blonde instead of all those brunettes. You better add a ginger to the mix…it’s called social justice.

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And last, but certainly not least…it’s rumored that Taylor went on a date with Zac Efron. This is where I must draw the line. Efron and his abs are national treasures. Do not man eat him Taylor! He is precious like a rare gem!

In the spirit of being fair…if Taylor is dating all these men solely for inspiration to write music, I could get onboard the Swift train. I am a Kelly Clarkson fan after all. In all honesty, how pissed do you think John Mayer was when he heard “Dear John?”

In that jam, Taylor sings: “Dear John, I see it all now that you’re gone
/Don’t you think I was too young
/To be messed with/The girl in the dress
/Cried the whole way home, I should’ve known”

Yes, you should have known…everyone woman in the world knows!

Taylor – What is your secret…do you have a golden who-ha or something of the sort? One piece of advice…leave Efron alone!


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