Books Penned by Celebrities You Must Read

I was blessed again this year receiving a few books from Santa. This year I was given “Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me” by Chelsea’s family and friends and “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)” by Mindy Kaling.

Santa typically brings me a few books every year. I figure he probably thinks one of two things:

1. She really needs to learn how to read.

2. Someone give this girl something productive to do besides dancing around her room all day.

So I have decided to share with you my favorite books written by celebrities.

‘How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale’ – Jenna Jameson

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I’ll be honest, I picked up this book solely because of the title. As you should know, Jenna Jameson is a porn queen. Hey, a girl has to pay the bills somehow.

Jenna’s real name is Jenna Marie Massoli and that is one of the billions of things she reveals in her autobiography.

Even though I was slightly disappointed that it was a more biographical story then a guidebook, Jenna did us ladies a solid and gave us her ten commandments of dating and sex! My favorite: pineapple does a world of good.

From reading this book, I learned that Jenna has had a tough life and that’s putting it lightly. From abusive boyfriends, debilitating drug addictions and crawling her way to the top of the porn industry, Jenna has had quite the ride so far.

One of my favorite parts of the book was her tryst with the one and scary Marilyn Manson. I recall Jenna saying that Manson was a fan of “the C word” and by C word, she meant cuddle. Who would have thunk it?

If you haven’t had the pleasure of reading Jenna’s book, Oprah comes to the rescue again and provides the first chapter on her website. I’m warning you now, you’ll probably have to buy the book immediately after…it’s just that good.

I have read my share of biographies and at almost 600 pages, I finished this tale in about 2 weeks. That’s a personal best. I also gave this bible, I mean book to anyone that wanted to borrow it, even strangers. See, Jenna brings people together and not just in a creepy porn way.

Jenna – Thank you for sharing your story. If you ever need a friend to go to a pole dancing class…I can be ready in 6.7 minutes.

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Topless Tuesday

I have accepted the important job of carefully selecting a topless man every Tuesday in order to please my millions, possibly billions, of fans. At times, I feel like Superwoman…having this duty thrust upon me, can’t fail or the world will be destroyed. It’s tough, but someone has to do it.

Some may wonder, “Hey Kari, how do you choose a topless man week after week?” Well, this time I googled: Topless Male Rappers. There you have it folks…my secret is out.

Trey Songz

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When I first started researching singer-songwriter, rapper, actor and producer Trey Songz, I found out something quite disturbing. Trey Songz is not his real name…gasp! It’s actually Tremaine Aldon Neverson. I’ll let that one simmer for a few.

I bet Petersburg, Virginia didn’t know what hit it when Trey was born Nov. 28, 1984. Discovered at a talent show in 2000, Trey signed a deal with Atlantic Records. In 2002, he hauled ass to New Jersey and began recording his debut album….”I Gotta Make It,” which was released July 26, 2005.

Fun Fact: Before his debut album was released, Trey released “Open the Closet.” Obviously, it was in response to R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet” series. On a scale of 1 to 10…how hilarious was this series of songs? I’m going with 20. R. Kelly – Thank you for this enjoyable piece of artistic expression.

Currently Trey is working on his fifth album, “Chapter 5,” set to be released early in 2012. To be honest, Trey Songz didn’t register on my radar until I heard “Bottoms Up” ft. Nicki Minaj, a track on Trey’s fourth album “Passion, Pain & Pleasure.”

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I decided to do a little research into Trey’s musical past and found that he has some hidden gems.

For example, Trey and Drake <3 collaborated on a song called “I Invented Sex.” Thank God I chose Trey as my Topless Tuesday champion or I wouldn’t have known he invented sex!

Another song Trey and his abs were apart of…”Say Ahh.” Now wait one minute…I have shook my bon bon to this song, but had no idea that Trey was behind it. You learn something new everyday.

As a Christmas gift to his fans, Trey released a freestyle rap called “Trigga Shot Caller” a few days ago. I learned if you are trying to woo Trey…apparently he likes to be called The Triggerman.

Trey – I think I’m in love with you and I’m totally okay with calling you Trey, Mr. Songz, Tremaine or Sir Triggerman. Whatever floats your boat…just keep your top off and I’ll be a happy lady.

Stuck in my head – ‘Talk That Talk’

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Rihanna released her sixth studio album “Talk That Talk” Nov. 21, 2011. Let me tell you…I was pumped.

When Rihanna releases an album, she typically talks about the important things in life. For example, Umbrellas, S&M and the dangerous game of Russian Roulette…all important factors in my life, as they should be in yours. Needless to say, I was looking forward to the wisdom of her sixth CD.

The first track released off this album was “We Found Love” = superb choice. While the song is upbeat, the lyrics tell a different and sad story. As for the music video, it showed the masses that RiRi is still in pain. I feel bad for the Chris Brown look-a-like…do you think he gets heckled on the street?

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Side note: I’ll see you in hell Chris Brown!

When the album was released, I like to chose the songs that should be released as singles. I was seriously campaigning for “Talk that Talk” ft. Hova and was slightly disappointed when I heard “You Da One” playing on the radio a few days ago. Sad face.

After going through a period of denial, depression and recovery, I’ve have accepted “You Da One” as the second single, but realized that I don’t have to like it.

My goal with this post is to start an Internet movement/revolution in order to get “Talk that Talk” ft. Hova as the third single off RiRi’s album.

Here are some reasons why:

  1. It features Mr. Hova
  2. You can play this song extremely loud in your Honda and look like a boss
  3. Rihanna taught me how to count from 1 to 4…thanks boo
  4. Jay-Z says the word “pee”
  5. Rihanna chants at the end…and who doesn’t love a good chant

Favise Lyrics: “I’mma get it right on the first try for you” (As do I Rihanna, as do I ).

Rihanna – I know once you read this, you will be convinced to release “Talk That Talk” as your third single. All I ask in return is to be featured in the music video. I’ve been working on my Pop, Lock and Drop It and I think I’ve finally hit the nail on the head. See you on set girl!

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, Happy Birthday, etc. Below is the extent of my holiday.

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Since everyone needs a little Britney in their holiday celebration…here is my gift to you:

Stay classy – Love, Kari

Celebrities I Wish had a Reality Show…part II

The E! network is running ads for a “Seasons-So-Far” marathon. It’s purpose…to catch me up with the Kardashians…obvi. Because E! never, ever airs repeats of “Kourtney & Kim Take New York,” I’m grateful to the executives at E! for giving me this Xmas miracle.

As you all know, I am destined to work for E!, so why not start giving them a few of my reality show suggestions now. Here is my second pick for Celebrities I Wish had a Reality Show.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise (TomKat)

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A show of hands please…who wouldn’t want to catch a glimpse into the world of TomKat? My suspicions were correct…everyone wants to know what goes inside the castle of Tom and Katie.

In their home, I imagine a lot of weird strobe lights and L. Ron Hubbard reading the book of Dianetics to Suri…because Tom resurrected him from the dead…duh.

I already know this couple would be great TV. They have already given us so many amazing moments so far. For example, remember when Tom told Matt Lauer he was glib and jumped on Oprah’s couch? Okay:

  1. No one has forgotten.
  2. I love Katie Holmes too, but I’m not jumping on couches during the Oprah show. I do it in the privacy of my own home!

Now, we have all heard the rumors that Katie isn’t eating because she’s depressed, Tom is an out-of-control Scientologist who forced Katie into the cult, Tom is gay, etc. etc. It’s a very long list of rumors (or truths) and the only way to find out what’s real is by bringing in a camera crew!

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I envision the reality show being called “TomKat: Welcome to the Jungle” and it would have to air on E! so there could be a crossover episode with the Kardashians. Mason and Suri could have a playdate while Khloe beats the daylights out of Tom and Rob takes Katie out and shows her a good time.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t think the TomKat union was going to last this long. I was onboard the U.S.S TomKat because it was supposed to give Katie the boost she needed to gain Oscar glory. Since that has not happened, I am over and done with the relationship…but I would watch the reality show and I would become a Scientologist if they gave me one of those rubbery bracelet thingys.

Katie – Happy belated birthday! I have loved you pre-Tom and I will love you post-Tom. Get it girl.

Topless Tuesday

I would like to thank Jimmy Kimmel for having this fabulous man on his show last week. Even though I was a big fan of this week’s Topless Tuesday champion when (Spoiler Alert) he was on “Lost,” he sadly became a blip on my radar. Thanks to Jimmy, that is no longer the case.

Jimmy – this one is for you!

Josh Holloway

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When Josh Holloway pops into my mind, I think three things:

  1. Holy crow
  2. Look at those flowing locks that blow beautifully in the wind
  3. Please God if I ever have to be stranded on a deserted island, make sure Josh is there. I pinky promise to stop cursing if you answer my prayer. Well, I’ll try anyways.

Mr. Holloway was born in San Jose, California, July 20, 1969…what a great year…not that I’m that old or anything! He has been active in the acting business since 1999, his first role playing Good-Looking Guy on “Angel.” Sounds about right.

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Along with acting, Josh did some modeling early in his career. With a face that beautiful, it would be like slapping Tyra Banks in the face if you didn’t land on a few magazine covers. And we all know, you don’t defy the Tyra.

Obviously, Josh’s most memorable role was when he played the part-time shirtless Sawyer for six confusing seasons on “Lost.”

Even though the show has ended, Josh has not been taking time off to vacation and look pretty. He landed the role of Trevor Hanaway in “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.”

While I physically can’t go see this film in theaters since I am a member of the Free Katie movement, I wish Josh the best of luck!

There is one note I would like to end on. Josh not only dabbles in TV and movies, he does endorsements as well…and thank God for that. Mr. Holloway is a spokesperson for Davidoff Cool Water and I’m sure he has enhanced sales greatly because of a certain ad:

Josh – even though you are married (sad face) I’m available to hang out topless. Oops can’t say that!

Merry Xmas – Love the Kardashians

Kim Kardashian posted her family’s Xmas card on her website today. Not only is it glamorous, but it’s in 3-D. Nope, not kidding.

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Even though it is a tad over the top, I kinda like it. I’m just imagining where they would have put Kris Humpy if Kim didn’t kick his ass to the curb after 72 days. Yep, still talking about it. Kris Humpy would have to probably be in the back…since Mason has the spot next to Kim…and no one puts Mason in the corner.

One issue I have with this photo: I don’t understand why Kris Jenner gets to wear the aqua green while everyone is wearing shades of black. Is it because she is the momager and controls the checkbook? Hmmm.

Maybe Kris Jenner trying to embody Lil’ Kim! Since I am making a dated Lil’ Kim reference, I shall explain. In the classical song “How Many Licks” Lil’ Kim states: “You like how I look in the aqua green?” Just throwing it out there.

Anywho, I have to say I’m having trouble deciding who is the best looking male in the photograph. I’m going to have to go with…Bruce <3.

Celebrities I Wish had Reality Shows

Remember the days when we were keeping up with Nick and Jessica, The Osbournes and experienced the Simple Life with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie? Now all I get is the Kardashians screaming at each other for 30 minutes every Sunday. The only saving grace in that family is Scott Disick<3.

Even though I am a fan of watching every sneeze the Kardashians make, it gets a tad tiring watching the same family over and over again.

Yes, I know Gene Simmons and his family have a reality show, but I can never find the damn A&E channel! That’s a problem I need to take up with my cable provider.

Oprah and Gayle

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Who hasn’t wondered about these two? The lesbionic rumors have been swirling for years…they even got so bad that Oprah addressed them herself.

Back in 2010, Oprah told Baba Wawa “I’m not a lesbian. I’m not even kind of a lesbian,” she said.

Now that that silly rumor has been cleared up, Oprah has been with her man-friend, Stedman Graham since 1986. Stedman seems like a regular dude, we could compare him to the Bruce Jenner of the Oprah reality show.

Since people aren’t watching the Kardashians to see Bruce play with his mechanical airplanes, I doubt people would be watching the Oprah show to see Stedman read a book or whatever it is he does when Oprah isn’t bossing him around.

I envision the Oprah reality show to star Oprah (duh!) and her bestie Gayle King. Throughout the show, we see Gayle and Oprah swinging on a hammock together, attending couple’s yoga and maybe letting that third wheel Stedman join them for a romantical dinner at Arby’s.

Below is a clip of Oprah and Gayle watching koalas have sex. This will really brighten your day and convince anyone to watch the Oprah and Gayle reality show…that would exclusively air on OWN…obvi.

Oprah – I know that if you and Gayle were lesbians you would tell the world. I’m just kidding around…please don’t destroy me and my family members…please.

Non-Demeaning to Women Wednesday

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In honor of Non-Demeaning to Women Wednesday, I would like to share with you the new music video by Kelly Clarkson…”Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” is the 2nd single off Clarkson’s 5th studio album “Stronger.”

If you are wondering why I chose Kelly as the Non-Demeaning to Women Wednesday winner…you deserve a slap across the face.

Kelly Clarkson is the definition of Non-Demeaning to Women. She doesn’t care what you say about her fluctuating weight and will not let any man sass her.

Personally, I think she could kick my ass and I’m weirdly alright with that.

Below is Clarkson’s newest music video for “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You).”

I have a few things I would like to say about this video:

  • Kelly is looking good these days. I’m feeling the bangs.
  • I’m not really pumped about the fan videos that are sprinkled throughout, but since Kelly is such a nice person I can see why she did it.
  • Flash mob starring the American Idol…love it.

While this video is ok, I’m not in love with it. Whatever happened to the music videos that Clarkson would release that had a storyline? For example, “Never Again,” “Behind These Hazel Eyes” and “Since You’ve Been Gone.” I really felt Kelly’s pain when I watched these.

As for the 3rd single, I’m really pulling for “Let Me Down.” This song is Clarkson at her man-hating best. She let’s us know that: “You’re only gonna let me down/When it counts, you countdown/You’re only gonna turn me out/As I burn, you burn out.” So profound.

Kelly – In my eyes, you are the one and only American Idol. I don’t understand why Seacrest and J.Lo keep searching for another one season after season. They already found you! See you in AC, girl!

Topless Tuesday

My second favorite day of the week has almost come to an end, but I couldn’t let it pass without giving you a topless gentleman to put a smile on your face.

Dum, dum, dum…

Adam Levine

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If you haven’t seen Adam topless until this moment, you have been missing out! Don’t look at him topless for an extended period of time though, he is like the sun…you could go blind from staring.

Adam has a lot going on these days. He’s the front man of Maroon 5, a judge on “The Voice,” practices yoga and is dating a Victoria Secrets angel, Anne Vyalitsyna. If you watched the Victoria Secret Fashion Show, you got to see Adam and his gf gleefully displaying their love. If you ask me, I could have gone without watching that.

Anywho, there are two important topics I want to cover:

  • Mr. Levine’s almost naked pic (pictured left)
  • Mr. Levine’s tattoos

Adam posed practically naked in Cosmopolitan UK’s Feb. 2011 issue. Of course it couldn’t be printed in the U.S. version of Cosmo because that’s the one I get. Can I cancel my subscription on the grounds of feeling cheated by not seeing this in print?

The centerfold was to raise awareness for testicular cancer and Adam certainly raised my attention. You may have noticed there is a lady’s hand in the way of the good part. Of course that’s Adam’s gf (Anne Vyalitsyna) ruining the fun again.

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As for Adam’s tattoos…I know some people love tats or dislike them. Right now at this juncture in my life, I must admit that I love them. Obviously they won’t be as sweet looking in 72 years as they are now, but in this moment they are wonderful. I especially like the (what I think) is a tiger on Adam’s right forearm. Shows me he is a friend to the animals.

Fun Fact about Adam: He was a waiter at Johnny Rockets for a whole two weeks!

Below is Maroon 5 performing their latest single, “Moves Like Jagger” at the 2011 AMA’s. My favise part is when that drag queen pretending to be Xtina Aguilera pops onto the screen.

Adam – If I become president one day, I will make sure a law gets passed that allows you to be topless everywhere, especially those places that have a “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” sign. Keep up that yoga, boo!


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