I was blessed again this year receiving a few books from Santa. This year I was given “Lies Chelsea Handler Told Me” by Chelsea’s family and friends and “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)” by Mindy Kaling.
Santa typically brings me a few books every year. I figure he probably thinks one of two things:
1. She really needs to learn how to read.
2. Someone give this girl something productive to do besides dancing around her room all day.
So I have decided to share with you my favorite books written by celebrities.
‘How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale’ – Jenna Jameson
I’ll be honest, I picked up this book solely because of the title. As you should know, Jenna Jameson is a porn queen. Hey, a girl has to pay the bills somehow.
Jenna’s real name is Jenna Marie Massoli and that is one of the billions of things she reveals in her autobiography.
Even though I was slightly disappointed that it was a more biographical story then a guidebook, Jenna did us ladies a solid and gave us her ten commandments of dating and sex! My favorite: pineapple does a world of good.
From reading this book, I learned that Jenna has had a tough life and that’s putting it lightly. From abusive boyfriends, debilitating drug addictions and crawling her way to the top of the porn industry, Jenna has had quite the ride so far.
One of my favorite parts of the book was her tryst with the one and scary Marilyn Manson. I recall Jenna saying that Manson was a fan of “the C word” and by C word, she meant cuddle. Who would have thunk it?
If you haven’t had the pleasure of reading Jenna’s book, Oprah comes to the rescue again and provides the first chapter on her website. I’m warning you now, you’ll probably have to buy the book immediately after…it’s just that good.
I have read my share of biographies and at almost 600 pages, I finished this tale in about 2 weeks. That’s a personal best. I also gave this bible, I mean book to anyone that wanted to borrow it, even strangers. See, Jenna brings people together and not just in a creepy porn way.
Jenna – Thank you for sharing your story. If you ever need a friend to go to a pole dancing class…I can be ready in 6.7 minutes.
Rihanna released her sixth studio album “Talk That Talk” Nov. 21, 2011. Let me tell you…I was pumped.
When Rihanna releases an album, she typically talks about the important things in life. For example, Umbrellas, S&M and the dangerous game of Russian Roulette…all important factors in my life, as they should be in yours. Needless to say, I was looking forward to the wisdom of her sixth CD.
The first track released off this album was “We Found Love” = superb choice. While the song is upbeat, the lyrics tell a different and sad story. As for the music video, it showed the masses that RiRi is still in pain. I feel bad for the Chris Brown look-a-like…do you think he gets heckled on the street?
Side note: I’ll see you in hell Chris Brown!
When the album was released, I like to chose the songs that should be released as singles. I was seriously campaigning for “Talk that Talk” ft. Hova and was slightly disappointed when I heard “You Da One” playing on the radio a few days ago. Sad face.
After going through a period of denial, depression and recovery, I’ve have accepted “You Da One” as the second single, but realized that I don’t have to like it.
My goal with this post is to start an Internet movement/revolution in order to get “Talk that Talk” ft. Hova as the third single off RiRi’s album.
Here are some reasons why:
- It features Mr. Hova
- You can play this song extremely loud in your Honda and look like a boss
- Rihanna taught me how to count from 1 to 4…thanks boo
- Jay-Z says the word “pee”
- Rihanna chants at the end…and who doesn’t love a good chant
Favise Lyrics: “I’mma get it right on the first try for you” (As do I Rihanna, as do I ).
Rihanna – I know once you read this, you will be convinced to release “Talk That Talk” as your third single. All I ask in return is to be featured in the music video. I’ve been working on my Pop, Lock and Drop It and I think I’ve finally hit the nail on the head. See you on set girl!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, Happy Birthday, etc. Below is the extent of my holiday.
Since everyone needs a little Britney in their holiday celebration…here is my gift to you:
Stay classy – Love, Kari
The E! network is running ads for a “Seasons-So-Far” marathon. It’s purpose…to catch me up with the Kardashians…obvi. Because E! never, ever airs repeats of “Kourtney & Kim Take New York,” I’m grateful to the executives at E! for giving me this Xmas miracle.
As you all know, I am destined to work for E!, so why not start giving them a few of my reality show suggestions now. Here is my second pick for Celebrities I Wish had a Reality Show.
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise (TomKat)
A show of hands please…who wouldn’t want to catch a glimpse into the world of TomKat? My suspicions were correct…everyone wants to know what goes inside the castle of Tom and Katie.
In their home, I imagine a lot of weird strobe lights and L. Ron Hubbard reading the book of Dianetics to Suri…because Tom resurrected him from the dead…duh.
- No one has forgotten.
- I love Katie Holmes too, but I’m not jumping on couches during the Oprah show. I do it in the privacy of my own home!
Now, we have all heard the rumors that Katie isn’t eating because she’s depressed, Tom is an out-of-control Scientologist who forced Katie into the cult, Tom is gay, etc. etc. It’s a very long list of rumors (or truths) and the only way to find out what’s real is by bringing in a camera crew!
I envision the reality show being called “TomKat: Welcome to the Jungle” and it would have to air on E! so there could be a crossover episode with the Kardashians. Mason and Suri could have a playdate while Khloe beats the daylights out of Tom and Rob takes Katie out and shows her a good time.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t think the TomKat union was going to last this long. I was onboard the U.S.S TomKat because it was supposed to give Katie the boost she needed to gain Oscar glory. Since that has not happened, I am over and done with the relationship…but I would watch the reality show and I would become a Scientologist if they gave me one of those rubbery bracelet thingys.
Katie – Happy belated birthday! I have loved you pre-Tom and I will love you post-Tom. Get it girl.
I would like to thank Jimmy Kimmel for having this fabulous man on his show last week. Even though I was a big fan of this week’s Topless Tuesday champion when (Spoiler Alert) he was on “Lost,” he sadly became a blip on my radar. Thanks to Jimmy, that is no longer the case.
Jimmy – this one is for you!
When Josh Holloway pops into my mind, I think three things:
- Holy crow
- Look at those flowing locks that blow beautifully in the wind
- Please God if I ever have to be stranded on a deserted island, make sure Josh is there. I pinky promise to stop cursing if you answer my prayer. Well, I’ll try anyways.
Mr. Holloway was born in San Jose, California, July 20, 1969…what a great year…not that I’m that old or anything! He has been active in the acting business since 1999, his first role playing Good-Looking Guy on “Angel.” Sounds about right.
Along with acting, Josh did some modeling early in his career. With a face that beautiful, it would be like slapping Tyra Banks in the face if you didn’t land on a few magazine covers. And we all know, you don’t defy the Tyra.
Obviously, Josh’s most memorable role was when he played the part-time shirtless Sawyer for six confusing seasons on “Lost.”
Even though the show has ended, Josh has not been taking time off to vacation and look pretty. He landed the role of Trevor Hanaway in “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.”
While I physically can’t go see this film in theaters since I am a member of the Free Katie movement, I wish Josh the best of luck!
There is one note I would like to end on. Josh not only dabbles in TV and movies, he does endorsements as well…and thank God for that. Mr. Holloway is a spokesperson for Davidoff Cool Water and I’m sure he has enhanced sales greatly because of a certain ad:
Josh – even though you are married (sad face) I’m available to hang out topless. Oops can’t say that!
Kim Kardashian posted her family’s Xmas card on her website today. Not only is it glamorous, but it’s in 3-D. Nope, not kidding.
Even though it is a tad over the top, I kinda like it. I’m just imagining where they would have put Kris Humpy if Kim didn’t kick his ass to the curb after 72 days. Yep, still talking about it. Kris Humpy would have to probably be in the back…since Mason has the spot next to Kim…and no one puts Mason in the corner.
One issue I have with this photo: I don’t understand why Kris Jenner gets to wear the aqua green while everyone is wearing shades of black. Is it because she is the momager and controls the checkbook? Hmmm.
Maybe Kris Jenner trying to embody Lil’ Kim! Since I am making a dated Lil’ Kim reference, I shall explain. In the classical song “How Many Licks” Lil’ Kim states: “You like how I look in the aqua green?” Just throwing it out there.
Anywho, I have to say I’m having trouble deciding who is the best looking male in the photograph. I’m going to have to go with…Bruce <3.