Special Report: Kar-Hump no more

Photo Courtesy: kimkardashianfan.net

Well I can’t say I’m surprised, but I am a little sad for Kim. If you have been slumbering under a rock all day, I’ll remind you what the hell has been going on.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are donezo. After 72 days of being husband and wife…Kim has filed for divorce. o0o0o burn.

Rumors turned to fact when Kim released a statement regarding her soon-to-be ex-husband:

“After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage,” she said. “I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.”

What is interesting about this scenario is the fact Kris doesn’t want to remove his claws from Kim K. Mr. Humpy released a statement exclaiming, “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce.” “I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents,” he added. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.”

I can see why Kris is “willing to do whatever it take.” My Humpy’s estimated worth is $8 million, while his wifey is worth an estimated $35 million. Dum, dum, dummmm.

I wonder what the final straw was for Kim. Was it the fact the Kris still wanted his dogs to sleep in bed with him and Kim?

Kim – if all else fails…sic Khloe on Humpy. She will have no problem beating his ass.

Side note: I wonder what Scott thinks of all this? Hopefully he is laughing his pants off.

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Celebrity Top 3

Backstreet Boys…no longer incomplete

Photo Courtesy: http://www.zimbio.com

Back in 2006, my favise Backstreet Boy…Kevin Richardson decided to leave the boy band and I was crushed. The singer decided it was time to depart and “move on with the next chapter of [his] life.” There was no other reason for me to follow BSB if I couldn’t catch a glimpse of Kevin’s eyebrows.

To be honest, I think the real reason why Kevin left was because he was sick of playing second banana to Nick and Brian. Let’s be real…Kevin was typically off to the side or way in the back. He was the Lance Bass of this boy band. Yes, I said it.

This past week, it was announced that Kevin is coming back…alright! As you should know, BSB has their own cruise ship…the SS Backstreet. The boys like to host concerts on it. Kevin announced that he is tentatively rejoining the group for one night only and picked the best spot to reunite with his former band mates…the Bahamas!

Kevin told Ryan Seacrest…“I would never say that it would never happen,” says Richardson. “I would love to perform with them again on a more regular basis. Our chemistry when we come together just feels like old times.”

Kevin – My vote is stay…give me a reason to love BSB again.

Kate Middleton… that ticking is your biological clock

Photo Courtesy: blog.zap2it.com

Some huge non-demeaning to women news broke out from that famous royal family in the UK this past week.

Here is a quick summary… if Kate and Will happen to pop out a baby girl, that lil lady will now be eligible to be Queen one day. And it won’t matter if the would-be queen has a little brother…she will be in line for the throne! I have to say…I’m pumped.

In a meeting last Friday, the Commonwealth leaders from 16 countries agreed to end the centuries-old practice that doesn’t allow female heirs to take hold of the British throne. Another positive part of this is that “leaders have also agreed to end a 300-year-old ban on the monarch being married to a Catholic,” according to The Gazette.

Does this mean I can marry Prince Harry now? I sure hope so!

Kate and Will – In the words of Sean Paul…Get Busy.

Any news about strippers is good news

Photo Courtesy: poptower.com

Any “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” fans out there? I’ll admit it…I am a fan and I’m still waiting for the appropriate moment to flip a table.

Rumors have been circulating the interweb that Jacqueline Laurita is a former Las Vegas stripper and she is trying to keep this secret a secret. I gotta tell you Jacqueline …if I know, everyone knows.

What peaked everyone’s interest in Jacqueline was the fact that she declined to show up to the New Jersey Housewives reunion. According to HollywoodLife.com, “She feared that Danielle Staub would make a surprise appearance and tell all about Jacqueline’s stripping past,” shares a source. “She didn’t want to face the truth!”

Here is the best part… Jacqueline met Chris (her husband) while working as an exotic dancer. I guess T-Pain was speaking the truth when he said, “I’m in Love with a Stripper.”

Jacqueline – I’m not one to judge…you had a baby to support and needed some cash money. Let’s be real, at least one out of every three ladies have thought about stripping as an career option (Btw I just made that figure up). Anywho, if you got it, flaunt it.


Stuck in my head…‘Halo’

Photo Courtesy: blog.kazaa.com

The year was 2009 and it was one of the best years of my life so far. While there are a multitude of reasons that this time period was fucking awesome, I am only legally allowed to reveal a few:

  • I was FINALLY of age to enter a bar without the threat of being kicked out
  • It was my senior year in college…and I graduated on time…point Kari
  • Spring Break ’09…details to follow in my highly anticipated book
  • Beyoncé released  “Halo”

A track on her third studio album, “I Am…Sasha Fierce,” Beyoncé really hit the nail on the head with this song. Every time I listen to this jam I just want to sway back and forth and pretend Jay-Z is my husband.

As usual, Beyoncé ran right up to the top of the Billboard Hot 100. “Halo” debuted at number 93 and scooted up to number five…Yeaaa B.

Favises lyrics: “Remember those walls I built/Well, baby they’re tumbling down”

Whenever I hear “Halo,” there is one particular moment that I always flash back to. It was the mid-morning of May 2, 2009…the day my world stopped and I graduated from college. From 11:03 a.m. until 2:56 p.m., I played “Halo” on repeat and cried in my bedroom. This is when I realized the party was over and I was about to crash into real world. So I would like to thank Beyoncé for getting me through that rough time and making me feel pretty.

As for the music video, Sasha is Fierce…I wish I could wear a black leotard, tights and heels as an outfit…don’t we all? Also, do you think B and Jay sit in a chair and stare at each other?

I’ve made a decision…decision made… “Halo” is in the lead to be my wedding song. That is, unless B. Spears covers it.


If a Genie Granted Me 3 Wishes…part III

For my final wish, I have chosen to spend the day with…drumroll please…

John Krasinski

Photo Courtesy: parade.com

John plays the cute and loveable Jim Halpert on “The Office” and he seems to be just as cute and loveable in real life. Too bad Emily Blunt scooped him up and put a ring on John before I could.

On the bright side, John has two older brothers…Kevin and Paul…hopefully single and ready to mingle!

Born Oct. 20, 1979, John is from the classier part of the States…Newton, Massachusetts. I’m gonna hop into my time machine and jump ahead to John’s adult life…he attended Brown University to study theatre arts. I knew I should have weaseled my way into the Ivy Leagues…dammit.

After graduating with honors (he’s so smart), John travelled to New York City and worked towards his dream of becoming an actor.

He appeared in commercials and guest spots on television shows while working as a waiter…you have to pay the bills somehow.

Side note: 11 years ago…John was also a script intern for “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” show.

Photo Courtesy: givememyremote.com

We really got acquainted with John in March of 2005…when the first episode of “The Office” aired. John plays Jim Halpert and there are three real reasons to love both of these men:

  1. Jim Halpert loves practical jokes
  2. Jim Halpert loves Pam…a lot…sigh
  3. John Krasinski traveled to SCRANTON, PA (where “The Office” is filmed and where I was birthed) to film Scranton landmarks and the clips of the fabulous city that are shown in the opening credits

Along with his thriving TV career, John is starting to make a name for himself outside “The Office.” Mr. Krasinski has starred and/or made cameos in some pretty well known films…let’s make a short list:

  • Dreamgirls
  • The Holiday
  • Leatherheads
  • It’s Complicated

While this list isn’t John’s entire filmography, I have gather this much…he has come into contact with Beyoncé, Kate Winslet, George Clooney and Alec Baldwin <3 I’m such a jelly belly right now.

Photo Courtesy: blog.zap2it.com

Okay, I’ve put this off long enough…in 2008 John was set up with his future wife (Emily Blunt) by Anne Hathaway. I guess the first date went well because July 10, 2010 these two beauties got hitched. It’s not like I can be mad at Emily for marrying this fine gentleman. I would have done the same damn thing.

Why would I wish to hang out with John?

This tall glass of water is cute, funny, smart and successful…why wouldn’t a single lady like myself want to hang out with him?! On top of all those great things…he has been to SCRANTON! That’s a man after my own heart.

John – if you are EVER in Scranton, PA again…my mom has a nice castle on the west side that we would be more than happy to have you slumber at. If it’s absolutely necessary, I guess your wife can come too. Call me!


‘Martha Marcy May Marlene’

Photo Courtesy: dreadcentral.com

Last evening I had the pleasure of attending a screening of “Martha Marcy May Marlene.” The film starred Elizabeth Olsen (Lil Olsen!) and Sarah Paulson.

If you haven’t heard of this film, I will happily give you a brief summary:

Elizabeth Olsen plays Martha, a young woman who has fled from a cult that she has been living with for the past two years. Martha has finally had enough, flees and calls her sister to come pick her up.

The rest of the film is dedicated to Martha trying to live a normal life with her sister and her brother-in-law, but reliving/dealing/coping with the life-altering memories of cult life.

It’s one of those movies that travels back and forth in time. Normally I would be confuzzled, but the film does it perfectly!

Elizabeth Olsen is getting rave reviews…as she should. Lil Olsen is even getting some Oscar buzz. I’m willing to give her my vote right now! I think she really shines in this film…shines so bright it has been reported that Mary Kate & Ashley are jelly bellys. 0o0o0 burn!

Photo Courtesy: hollywoodreporter.com

Pretty soon, Elizabeth’s name won’t have to be prefaced with “Mary Kate ad Ashley’s little sister.” Lil Olsen is making moves.

By moves…I mean Elizabeth already has five movies coming down the pike! I’m making a decision…decision made: get used to Elizabeth, she will be around for quite some time!

BTW! One thing I learned from this movie…never EVER join a cult.


If a Genie Granted Me 3 Wishes…part II

Before I reveal the next person I would wish to spend an entire day with, I want to make an announcement to my spiritual goddess and my favise actress.

Dear Britney Spears and Katie Holmes…Obviously if I was given a few wishes to spend the day with any celebrities I would certainly pick you fine ladies. Since I’m trying to expand my horizons on my blog, I have decided to branch out. Don’t hate me. Truly yours…now and forever. -Kari

Now that I got that off my chest, let’s get down to business.

Scott Disick

Photo Courtesy: forums.thefashionspot.com

I do have to admit that I wasn’t a fan of Scott on the earlier seasons of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” I always thought he was trying to freeload off Kourtney and ruin lives. It wasn’t until this past season of the hit reality show that I really started enjoying Scott and his humor.

Scott has always been the one that Mama Kris and the rest of the K-Dash family picked on…no wonder he drank like a fish. Scott really had some epic moments that were caught on tape…remember the time he shoved the money in the waiters mouth in Vegas or when he punched the mirror in Miami? Those scenes are burned into my brain.

The Miami drunken black out was the last straw for Kourtney and the rest of the fam. Scott realized that he needed to get his shit together for two major reasons: Mason and his baby mama, Kourtney.

After sobering up and going to therapy, Scott has creeped his way back into the good graces of Kourtney…which means the rest of the Kardashians have to put up with him. In all honestly, I wouldn’t mind having Scott around. He is the best. dresser. ever and says some pretty hil.ari.ous things.

Photo Courtesy: eonline.com

Some of my favise Scott quotes:

    • Kourtney: And it says I might be pregnant. Scott: There’s a might symbol?
    • Kris: Scott? It’s Kris. Scott: Hi. I know. I have caller ID.
    • Scott: Now thats a gentleman’s photo, i’ve got my son, a nice tan, birds, and my hairs flowing in the wind like flocks of capestrauna.
    • Scott: Hey Humpy.

 

My favorite Scott moment had to be when the gang travelled to Bora Bora. Bruce and Scott were discussing the tankers floating in the ocean and Kris replies, “Did you just call me a tanker?” Now that was great TV!

Why would I wish to hang out with Scott?

While Mason’s baby daddy can be mean at times, I feel like he would be a blast in a glass to hang out with for a day. We could cruise around in a fancy car, talk about Kris Jenner and maybe meet up with Rob <3.
All I can hope for is that Scott will get me my very own walking cane…”stick me.”

If a Genie Granted Me 3 Wishes…

Honestly, I have no idea where I get these ideas. One minute I’m sitting on the couch staring into space and the next I scream out a title for a blog post. It’s most likely a gift from adult Jesus.

Anywho, I would like to share with you the three celebrities I would wish to spend a day with, get to know and maybe become besties 4ever.

January Jones 

Photo Courtesy: images.askmen.com

Many people know this lady as Betty Draper (or more recently Betty Francis) on AMC’s “Mad Men.” Spoiler Alert: Betty dropped Don like he was hot…and I’m proud of her!

So…in the words of Hilary Duff…”Let’s go back, back to the beginning.” January was born Jan. 5, 1978…hmm. Ironically, her name does not come from the month she was born, but from a book called “Once is Not Enough” by Jacqueline Susann.

January was birthed in Sioux Falls, South Dakota and that actually surprises me. January seems more like she grew up in a big city…like a gossip girl.

Starting out as a model, January worked her way into the acting business starting in 1999. Playing a slew of random/small parts, January really made waves in “Anger Management,” staring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson. She played Gina…a lesbian porn star. Next, January scored the part of Cadence…the token virgin in “American Wedding.” These roles really showed me that January has quite the range as an actress.

It wasn’t until 2007 that January secured her most well known role to date…Betty Draper on “Mad Men.” She started out playing Don’s trophy wife who seems to be the ultimate housewife on the outside, but we quickly realize Betty is a hot mess on the inside. Why? Well, one reason is while Betty is at home keeping house, Don is getting it in with every woman who is capable of breathing. No wonder she dropped his ass.

Photo Courtesy: blogcdn.com

In an interview with the UK’s “Daily Mail,” January was asked what advice she would give Betty. January responded with, “Get out! Grow up!” At least now I know that January could be an independent woman if need be.

That brings me to her romantic life. January has been linked to many famous/beautiful men. Let’s make a list, shall we…reminder this is not an extensive list, just the highlights.

  • Ashton Kutcher
  • Josh Groban
  • Brandon Davis (The guy who called Lohan a fire crotch)
  • Jeremy Piven
  • Adrian Brody
  • Bobby Flay
  • Jason Sudeikis

Photo Courtesy: justjared.buzznet.com

What’s interesting is that somewhere along the line, January got pregs and had a baby back in September…Xander Dane Jones.

You may be wondering, why is this interesting…celebrities ladies have babies all the time. Well, January is playing the “let’s not tell anyone who the baby daddy is” game. Hmm…

Why would I wish to hang out with January?

January reminds me of those girls in high school that were mean, but were still popular for no apparent reason. I think it’s about time that I learn how to be a bitch and still be loved at the same time. Who better than January to teach me?

I would also like to know who the baby daddy is! You can’t leave me in suspense any longer, January. I grind my teeth at night wondering and speculating.


Celebrity Top 3

Lead Pussycat Doll…on to the next one?

Photo Courtesy: zimbio.com

Rumor has it that Nicole Scherzinger kicked her bf of 4 years to the curb. Really, it seems like it was a mutual decision but Nicole def wears/wore the pants in the relationship. You see how she dominates the other Pussycat Dolls, right?

According to People.com “They’d been long distance for a long time and it’s just been hard,” a source close to the couple said. Nicole has been a busy woman…kicking ass as lead Pussycat Doll, winning the Mirror Ball trophy on “Dancing with the Stars” and more recently judging others on “The X-Factor.”

As for her (maybe former) bf, Lewis Hamilton, he is a British Formula 1 racecar driver. His cute ass gets to travel all over the world racing cars. It’s easy to see why the long distance could have put the final nail in this coffin.

What’s interesting is that “Access Hollywood” is reporting that the breakup rumors aren’t true. “A source told Access on Saturday there was ‘absolutely no truth’ to the story about the pair breaking up.” Hmm.

Lewis – you would be dumb to let Nicole get away. Have you seen the “Buttons” video? I would give my entire left arm to be that on point.

Moroccan and Monroe meet Baba Wawa

Photo Courtesy: pointemout.com

Remember when Nick Cannon hit the jackpot? Let me refresh your memory. Nick married Mariah Carey, got her pregnant and is allowed to hold the umbrella over her when it’s raining…he’s so lucky.

On April 30, 2011, the long-awaited twins were born! They were also given umm interesting names… Moroccan and Monroe. It’s been about 6 months and I (along with the rest of the world) haven’t gotten a glimpse of these babies! Personally, I was losing sleep over this.

This past Friday, pictures were (finally) released of the Carey family…twins included. And of course Baba had to sneak her way in there.

Mariah and Nick were interviewing with “20/20” and the twins made their way on set. I’m excited to see what hard-hitting questions Barbara asked the babies.

What’s more important is that the twins have their own website…yes a website. Titled after a nickname Mr. and Mrs. Carey gave their babies, Roc and Roe’s website is Dembabies.com. No, I’m not kidding. The site is basically pictures of the twins in various positions with Nick and Mariah.

I wonder if the twins will have alter egos like their mom does…remember The Emancipation of Mimi? I certainly do.

Lohan in cuffs again…and not in the fun way

Photo Courtesy: today.msnbc.msn.com

You may have heard that Lohan screwed up again, got her probation revoked and was cuffed in the courtroom. Of course she was immediately released on bail…because Lindsay’s personal bail bond guy was in the courtroom!

What caused the “Mean Girls” star to be arrested again? Lindsay just didn’t feel like showing up to the Women’s Center where she was supposed to be serving out her probation…9 times!

At her hearing, Lohan was ordered to complete sixteen additional hours at the LA County morgue before her Nov. 2 hearing. She could also get up to a year and a half in the clink, but that’s highly unlikely…overcrowding and such.

Yesterday, Lohan made her way to the morgue and worked an 8-hour shift! She also sent over cupcakes and food from the fast food palace In-and-Out (a Paris Hilton fav) to say she was sorry.

According to TMZ, Assistant Chief Coroner Ed Winter turned away the cupcake delivery guy because the move was simply, “unacceptable,” and adding, “We’re not here to accept food.”

O0o0o burn.


Celebrities who could be president…part III

Paris Hilton

Photo Courtesy: blog.zap2it.com

No, your eyes aren’t tricking you. I have actually chosen Paris Hilton as my final celebrity who could be president. You may be wondering why I picked the ultimate socialite as a potential candidate for the highest office in the land.

Well…it’s because she ran a pretty awesome campaign last time around, so why vote this bitch in?

In case you forgot, John McCain (the one who lost) decided to compare Barack Obama to some of my favise celebs…Britney and Paris. In yet another mudslinging campaign ad, McCain accused Obama of being “the biggest celebrity in the world.” Then having the nerve to ask “is he (Barack) ready to lead?” Ugh. McCain…you’re just jealous.

Britney probably didn’t realized she was in the damn ad, but Paris did. When the socialite got word of this, she decided that to kick off her presidential campaign. Hilton released a response to the McCain ad that took the interweb by storm.

Saying such things as:

  • “That wrinkly white haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I’m running for president.”
  • “I’ll see you at the debates, bitches.”
  • “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick out a vice president. I’m thinking Rihanna.”
  • I’m Paris Hilton and I approve this message because I think it’s totally hot.”

Photo Courtesy: prlog.org

In the midst of all that jabber, Paris did lay down a pretty good plan for the energy crisis. Maybe she is smart after all and it’s all just a façade. That would be the greatest mind blow ever.

In another campaign clip, Paris sought the advice of one of the greatest presidents of our time…Martin Sheen!

Paris laid out her plans for Iraq and the economy…saying such wise things as:

  • “Fopo” aka Foreign policy
  • “Well this is the biggest depression since The Notebook.”
  • “See you at the fake inauguration bitches.”

The diva even went as far as to release a song/music video titled, “Paris for President.” If that doesn’t say leader, I don’t know what does.

Favise lyrics: “Your commander in a bikini” / “Look at Bush it can’t be that hard” /  “The real maverick in D.C.”

Paris – I give you boatloads of credit for this. You got my vote bitch <3


Celebrities who could be president…part II

Alec Baldwin

Photo Courtesy: inquisitr.com

As Geena Davis gave me the Hillary Clinton vibe, this gentleman gives me the Bill Clinton vibe. He’s funny, cute and can be tough with the hard-hitting issues. And I think I just gave away what political party I’m affiliated with…oops.

Alexander Rae Baldwin III was born April 3, 1958 in Massapequa, New York. He is the oldest of those crazy Baldwin brothers and if I do say so myself, the most handsome. Mr. Baldwin has been in the acting business since 1980…that shows his dedication to the things he loves.

As we all know, politics is bursting with scandal and Alec is no stranger. Remember that time he called his daughter a “rude, thoughtless little pig” on a voicemail that was released to the public?

Let’s be real…parents get pissed at their kids. My mom was angry with me for illegally garnering an entire manger set from random people in my hometown. Along with baby Jesus, I collected the sheep too.

Photo Courtesy: wnyc.org

As for Alec’s actual political credentials, he is pretty active in the political arena as far as celebrities are concerned. Alec is on the board of People For the American Way. I don’t know too much about the organization…okay I never heard of it until now. Educate yourself here…just like I did.

As for a real life office position, Alec told the “New York Times” that (if he did throw his hat into the political ring) he would run for Governor of New York. Mark my words…I will move to that state if it’s run by Alec.

According to Wikipedia (my bible), “When asked if he was qualified for the office, Baldwin responded that he considered himself far more qualified than then California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.” Samise.

Back in June when Weinergate snapped open (get it…pictures…snap), Alec was rumored to be thinking about running for Mayor of NYC in 2013. While no decision has been made, I really believe that my prediction might come true! So, you heard it here first…remember that!

And if this video is any indication of his speaking skills, we are in for some awesome addresses to the nation. Baldwin ’13!


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