Is this real life? Part II

Kevin Federline “America’s Most Hated”

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Well, this title hits the nail directly on the head. My first question is: who approved this?

Federline released “Playing with Fire” in October 2006. Surprisingly, all songs were co-written by the life ruiner. The album sold a total of 6,500 during its first week, debuting at number 151 on Billboards Top 200…o0o0o burn. To be fair, Mr. Spears did peak at #2 on the Billboard Top Heatseekers chart.

I will give credit where credit is due. It’s actually not that bad of a song. Now I’m not going to lie, I could totally see myself cruising around in my Honda playing this jam…if someone else was singing it of course. As a lifelong member of Team Britney, I just cannot allow myself to fully like this song.

Lyrics that I have a bone to pick with K-fed about:  

  • Droppin – nothin but heat me an JR” – Who the F is JR?
  • “I built a kingdom down the street from Pepperdine” – NO! Britney forked over the cash money for your kingdom.
  • “I’m on the frontline/Dodgin cameras like the one time” – You were only dodging cameras because you some how convinced Brit to marry you and then used your superhuman sperm to impregnate her, remember?
  • “I got my blue Yankee fitted on” – Okay Jay-Z.
  • “I got my name spreadin faster than crack” – Fine comparison.
  • “I got 50 mill/I can do whatever I want” – This is the portion of the rap song where I must pause before I slip into a blackout. I do believe that this 50 mill you speak of isn’t yours. You have not been hustling since you were 16-years-old wearing a catholic school uniform, standing on a mountain top and telling people you are “not a girl, not yet a woman,” performing live on the VMAs with a giant yellow snake around your neck, among many, many other things. Excuse my rage everyone.

Below is only the song, K-Fed only was allowed to make one music video for “Lose Control

Dear K-fed, I blame you. Listen to her pain. Love, Kari

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Is this real life?

Happy Monday! I thought I would start off the week by sharing some tunes from the past. I have a few other jams that I want to share with you and didn’t want to overwhelm, so I will be continuing this post later on!  Okay, let’s do this.

There are tons and tons of people who try to break into the music industry and it could end up taking years before they finally get noticed. A pertinent example: Katy Perry, she signed with four labels before “I Kissed a Girl” floated to our ears. While some of these aspiring musicians 100% deserve a record deal, there are some that should try another career path…please.

Brooke Hogan – “About Us”

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For some strange reason, I was reminded of Brooke Hogan’s single “About Us” that the wanna be singer released in 2006. Hulk Hogan must have really put a lot of people in headlocks because this song featured Paul Wall. Maybe this jam is the reason that Lil’ Weezy didn’t sign the Houston rapper to Young Money Records…just a thought.

Now I won’t lie to you, I know the chorus by heart and if this song came on at the bar, I would be on that dance floor in the blink of an eye. I love this song because it’s so catchy and Brooke is rockin’ the shades with bedazzled lenses way before Snooki ever put them on (yes, I just took Snooki’s name in vain). Some highlights from the music video:

  • Brooke is singing with a grill in her mouth. That is some serious skill…remember when grills were cool?
  • Boxer by day, dancer by night….end of the video cumulates with a DANCE OFF! Side note: I’m still trying to convince my friends to learn a choreographed dance that we can bust out at the club. Since that isn’t going as well as planned, I am in the process of taking applications!
  • Not only does Brooke win the DANCE OFF! Brooke gets to take Paul Wall home…jealous.

Favises lyrics:

“I’m just trying to live but your all up in my grill/How’s a girl to breathe with all the media starring down my mouth/With a four inch lens I just wanna hit the mall with some of my friends” (Don’t we all want to just go to the mall, Brooke?)

Even though “About Us” peaked at #33 on the Billboard Hot 100, not everyone who has heard this song feels the same as me. Her music career sorta floundered and now I haven’t heard anything from Brooke that doesn’t involve her parent’s divorce or her mom’s creepy cougar ways.

Brooke – In the words of Mean Girl’s Kevin G …Don’t let the hataz stop you from doin’ ya thang!

Celebrity Top 3

Kat & Jesse sitting in a tree…again

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Welp that didn’t last long. About a month ago, it was announced that Kat Von D and Jesse James (cough…life ruiner…cough) have called off their engagement. Well yesterday was quite a day for our tattooed beauty queen. First, news broke that TLC decided to cancel D’s show “L.A. Ink.”

In an interesting turn of events, apparently Kat Von D announced that she decided not to film “L.A. Ink” anymore before TLC decided to ax the show. According to “US Weekly,” ‘I love how me deciding not to continue doing LA Ink turns into [the show] being ‘cancelled,’ she tweeted “Thanks, TLC. Regardless of everything, I remain grateful.”

While this announcement put Von D back in the news, she also dragged ex Jesse James back into the limelight when the couple announced that the engagement is back on! Since it was allegedly the long-distance relationship that was a cause of the split, guess that’s not an issue anymore! (coinkydink?)

“Sometimes you are only given one chance in life,” Jesse told People. “It was up to me to open my eyes and see it. That girl is my chance. I will never stop fighting and striving to hold on to her. Showing her how special she is, and how much I love her.” Isn’t that sweet.

Mr. & Mrs. Kim Kardashian

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If you haven’t heard because you have been living under a rock, taken up coal mining or your iPad is in the shop; Kim Kardashian is getting hitched tomorrow! It’s a pretty huge deal… we all know how long she’s been waiting for this precious day to arrive. I think Jesus really must be a fan of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” because he’s giving Kim a husband whose name is Kris with a K! He should have no trouble fitting in with the fam.

As expected, the wedding festivities have already begun. Last night the beautiful couple and 75 of their closest friends and family attended a rehearsal dinner at Scarpetta in Beverly Hills. The entire K-dash clan was in attendance, even Rob <3 wearing very expensive red sweat pants (Gasp!). Overall, Kim had a good evening. She let all of us know how great her night was via Twitter: “What a fun night w family & friends! Now I’m sleeping in late tomorrow!”

While there is extreme security measures lined up for tomorrow, that hasn’t stopped the media from heading over to the mansion where the nuptials will take place. I might even pack my mini camera and head over myself…call me if you’re in attendance. If I don’t creep my way past security, I’m sure Ryan Seacrest will compile 24-hours worth of footage. I see a E! special titled,  “Finally…Kim is married.” Good luck to the happy couple, see you on the honeymoon.

Mile High Club reject

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Okay, I completely understand when you have to pee and your choices are limited. Typically people pee in back alleys or the woods, but Gérard Depardieu really set the bar up high for those that like to pee in public. He tried to get away with peeing on a plane and not in the B-room. Just to recap: according to E! Online, “Depardieu relieved himself on the carpet after his flight was delayed on Wednesday and the flight crew denied him entry to one of the restrooms.” Grossy.

While Gérard hasn’t made a public statement yet, his friend is doing the dirty work. Edouard Baer, who was on the plane as well offered up an explanation. From a statement translated by BBC, Bear stated “Gerard was upset at this and offered to clean up the mess, He has prostate problems and it was very worrying and humiliating for him. He was also stone-cold sober at the time. This is not the way he usually behaves.”

Alright, I have a few things to say. Traveling is stressful enough; I don’t need someone next to me peeing! This would have caused me to experience the most epic rage blackout in the history of rage blackouts. There is also a apparatus called a catheter. You can Google it.

I also think that he will forever be banned from reaping the benefits of the Mile High Club (I would be so mad if I was him). I hear such benefits of being a card-carrying member include spending time in a nice lounge that is located at the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton International Airport.

That is all.

Stuck in my Head – ‘Wait Your Turn’

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I have no idea why I like this song or why I paid $1.29 on iTunes for it. There is something about it that makes me feel…dare I say…like a boss after it’s over. Rihanna does give us some good lyrics, such as “I’m such a f*ucking lady” and “I pitch with a grenade/Swing away if you’re
feeling brave.” We all know she can be one tough bitch, but why exactly are we waiting for our turn? Am I waiting for Rihanna to kick my ass? I mean I’d totally be ok with her doing so, I’d have much more street cred. Note to self: protect my teeth.

This video reminds me of an early 90s rap video…the way the camera is shooting her and the black, white and grainy footage. It’s reminiscent of a Wu-Tang Clan music video: Protect Your Neck. This comparison really hit home when Rihanna is standing in front of a statue, holding her crotch.

In the end, I feel that this song was way underrated, even though I have not one clue as to what Rihanna is trying to tell me. Maybe it’s a recruitment video/anthem for the Rihanna Navy?! Do I get a point for that?

Best part of this music video: Rihanna is wearing an eye patch. Check it.

Hey! Where was my invite?

With the upcoming Kardashian-Humphries nuptials on the horizon, it got me thinking about all the celebrity wedding invitations that were apparently lost in the mail. Here is my list of invitations that I wish the postal service didn’t lose (because I’m 100% sure I was invited).

Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom

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September 27th has become a national holiday in my home. It is the day that my favises Kardashian sister got hitched (whoop, whoop) after only a month of dating! Dreams do come true. The world thought that Kim was going to be the first to get married and we all know how badly she wanted some man, any man to put a ring on it.

While it wasn’t looking good for Kim, the spotlight fell on older sis Kourtney. From what we have seen on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” I sure hope Kourtney doesn’t tie that knot. I will even go as far as hoofing it to the nearest church and lighting a candle for her. So the point goes to Khloe! Since E! documents every sneeze that the K-Dash sisters emit, we had to expect a Khloe & Lamar wedding special…a 2-hour special as a matter of fact.

Why I’m angry my invite was lost in the mail:

  • All of the Kardashians were in the same area – including Rob. <3
  • A bunch of other celebs were in attendance, including Chelsea Handler, Kobe Bryant and Kelly Osbourne. I could have done some serious networking.
  • There was a Hollywood nightclub-theme reception that Babyface sang at!

Mr. & Mrs. Hova

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April 4, 2008 – the union to end all unions occurred. After 6 years of being bf & gf, Jay-Z liked it and finally put a ring on it! With about 40 guests in attendance, this was one event that I wish I knew about. I only needed a two hour notice, the ceremony was a stones throw away in New York!

I should have seen the clues. The day of the wedding there was a tent erected on the roof of Jay-Z’s penthouse, around 60,000 orchid blooms were delivered and DJ Cassidy even spilled some of the beans. According to, “Cassidy mentioned a week ago that he was really excited for Jay Z and Beyoncé’s wedding party to happen, said another source.” Dammit.

Why I’m angry my invite was lost in the mail:

  • All three Destiny’s Child members were in attendance. I bet they sang “Independent Women Part I.” Side note, I’m still waiting for my acceptance letter to Charlie’s Angels Boot Camp.
  • I could have made the Hova symbol all evening without being judged or kicked out.
  • It’s always a wonderful site when Jay-Z straps on a tux.

Britney Spears & Jason Alexander

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Let’s be real, I had to include it! While I felt that many believed that this was the start of her downward spiral, I will have to disagree. I am convinced the spiral began when B. Spears and he who shall not be named broke up (hint…lead singer of boy band ‘N Sync). But that is neither here, nor there.

Anywho, January 3, 2004 the Little White Wedding Chapel on the Vegas Strip received a gift from above. Britney Spears and childhood friend, Jason Alexander busted in and got hitched. Don’t worry, the newlyweds scooped up a marriage license at the Clark County Marriage Bureau for $55.

Dear Jamie Spears, since you weren’t available to walk Brit down the aisle, a hotel bellman hopped in your place. No big deal. Britney’s wedding attire included a classy baseball hat, belly shirt and jeans. After the ceremony, a night full of sin ensued. Sadly, 55 hours later the marriage was annulled…boo.

Why I’m angry my invite was lost in the mail:

  • Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to have witnessed this?
  • The wedding cost a grand total of $200, which included photos, a bouquet and video. That’s a steal compared the what K-Fed cost her.
  • The marriage took place at 5:30 a.m. That’s the best part of a night on the town!

Britney – I would have given my left arm to have been present at this wedding. Next time, call me girl. I know you have my digits, I’ve sent them to you a handful of times.

If I could have dinner with anyone…

If you read this blog regularly, you probably know the top two stars that I would choose (or commit some extreme public act) to have dinner with: Britney Spears and/or Katie Holmes. Of course that’s not in any particular order! Since this is public knowledge, I’ve decided to branch out and choose some other famous individual.

Michelle Williams

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When she rode that taxi onto “Dawson’s Creek” in 1998, little did we know what we were in store for. I always felt that Katie Holmes outshined Michelle during the Creek era. I was a fan of Michelle’s character, Jen Lindley, but Joey Potter was my role model. (Spoiler Alert!) They even f’ed Jen on the series finale and killed her off the show. But when the Creek was officially dried up and my world ended, the tables turned in Michelle’s favor.

At 30 years young, this lady has lead quite the life. Not only was she a main character on the best teen drama ever created, but she has also been in some important films. In 2005, Michelle transformed into Alma for her role in “Brokeback Mountain.” Behind the scenes Michelle met her baby daddy. Sadly, they mutually agreed to split up 3 years later.

2010 brought Williams into the spotlight of controversy with her starring role in “Blue Valentine.” While she earned herself a nomination for best actress, the film was originally released with an NC-17 rating! This decision was appealed and the movie was available to the masses as R-rated. Personally, I think Michelle should have won the Oscar (sorry Natalie). If you haven’t seen “Blue Valentine,” watch it and you will understand. It didn’t hurt that some of the scenes were filmed in Scranton, PA either!

As of right now, I’m really pumped to see Michelle take on the challenge of becoming the infamous Marilyn Monroe in the upcoming film “My Week with Marilyn.”

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Why do I want to have dinner with Michelle:

She has been in show business since 1993 and has managed to keep a relatively low profile. How has that happened? I think this is the reason why she’s so intriguing.

Michelle chooses films that have an impact, you actually feel different when you leave the theater. She’s very selective with her films, but even more selective with her men. While I’m partial to Emma Stone and Mr. Gosling, I’d like Michelle to throw her hat into the Gosling ring!

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One question I couldn’t leave without asking:

What was it like getting intimate with Joshua Jackson way back when on the Creek?

Where I would want to have dinner:

Since I’m in grad school and funds are a tad bit low, I would suggest maybe the Red Lobster. It’s always a classy choice and…CHEDDAR BISCUITS!

Michelle – get at me if you want to go to the Lobster…my treat! BTW this was my favises of all of your movies!

Happy Bday Madonna!

I would like everyone who lays his or her eyes on this blog post to take a moment and thank Jesus for the force that is Madonna. Why am I asking that? Today is the day that she was birthed!

There are about a bajillion reasons why the entire universe should be thankful for this woman, but I shall only go through a few.

When Madonna dated Jesus…no not that Jesus

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I believe it was late 2008 when rumors of Madonna and model Jesus Luz started to surface. These two met on a photo shoot for “W Magazine” and we can’t blame Madge for trying!

The 28-year age difference didn’t stop these two from flaunting their love (or whatever they had together). Jesus even met Madge’s children and began practicing the infamous kabbalah faith.

Sadly, Jesus and Madonna ended their fling in early 2010 because they had nothing in common…bummer.

When Madonna was ‘Like a Virgin’ in 1984 and in 2003

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Since we haven’t seen this performance six million times! Alas, there is a reason for the constant repeating. Right when MTV was really becoming a staple in popular culture, Madonna strapped on a wedding gown and rolled around the stage belting out her famous lyrics, “Gonna give you all my love, boy/My fear is fading fast/Been saving it all for you/’Cause only love can last.” She really spoke to the ladies with this one.

This performance was so iconic that my favises Britney Spears and Xtina Aguilera recreated it with the original “virgin” herself at the MTV music awards. What made the performance memorable was when B. Spears and The Queen of Pop got intimate. I felt bad for Xtina because she also got intimate with Madonna, but the world didn’t see that part. Why you ask? Because the camera had to catch Justin Timberlake’s reaction (o0o burn). I bet Xtina is still bitter about that. P.S. Why was Missy Elliot involved in this?

When Madonna pissed the FCC off

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In March 1994 Madonna appeared on “The Late Show with David Letterman.” She used a word that begins with a “fu” and ends with a “ck” about 13 times. This episode became one of the most censored in talk-show history and gave Letterman some of his highest ratings.

The pair talked about a variety of topics that included piercings, toupees and Madge’s love life, among many other things. My favorite quote during this interview that didn’t include an obscenity, “That microphone is really long.” You can only imagine where that steered the conversation.

After the uproar from this interview was starting to die down, Madonna couldn’t let the flame burn out just yet. A few weeks later Madonna sent Letterman a…dare I say…hilarious fax on his birthday that stated:

Happy F**king Birthday Dave!

Glad you could get so much mileage out of the f**king show. Next time you need some f**king publicity, just give me a f**king call.


the anti-christ

M. xx

So here’s to you Madonna. Happy Birthday! Thanks for the memories and keep them coming!

Celebs who would be good boyfriends

3. Adam Brody

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My first thoughts when I saw this strapping young gentleman on “The O.C.” were “wow, he has great hair.” There is just something about Adam Brody, he’s a nerd, but not in that creepy – I want you to dress up and play dungeons and dragons – kind of way. The “Los Angeles Times” even crowned Adam as TV’s sexiest geek. If that doesn’t make your parents proud, I don’t know what will.

There was one particular moment during “The O.C.” that really made me fall in love. When Adam’s character, Seth, is trying to claim his lady, Summer. While Summer is working a kissing booth at their high school (did anyone really have those?) and Seth clumsily climbs up on the booth to profess his love in front of their classmates. Summer caves and climbs up next to Seth and kisses him for all to see. He really gave us fellow nerds hope!

As for Adam’s love life, he dated fellow O.C. alum Rachel Bilson for 3 years. While I felt this was a match made in heaven, this couple called it quits in 2006. Rumor has it, Adam is courting a new lady, Lorene Scafaria.

Adam – Stay cute and nerdy. It suits you well.

2. Ryan Gosling

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Mr. Gosling has cemented himself a spot in all good boyfriend lists because of what he said about his ex, Rachel McAdams. In an interview with “GQ Magazine,” “I mean, God bless “The Notebook,” Gosling says. “It introduced me to one of the great loves of my life. But people do Rachel and me a disservice by assuming we were anything like the people in that movie. Rachel and my love story is a hell of a lot more romantic than that.” Now that is a great man.

Along with being sexy, Ryan is branching out with his career. He recently took on a slightly comedic role in “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” He also likes to show off his other talents, which include music. Gosling is in a band called, “Dead Man’s Bones” with his friend Zach Shields, along with that he kills it with the ukulele.

I’ve heard rumblings that Mr. Gosling could be dating Olivia Wilde. While I’m not super excited about this, I guess I have no choice but to deal with it. Since him and Rachel McAdams (and Sandra Bullock…remember?)  couldn’t make it work, I’m really hoping for Emma Stone to get a turn up to bat. (hint, hint).

Ryan – You are the perfect man…don’t change a thing. Oh yea, and call me.

1. Joshua Jackson

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You know how they say you can’t choose the ones you love? Well I’m sorry Joshua Jackson, but I think you were chosen for me. Let me list the ways in which I am showing this beautiful man my love. 1. When “Dawson’s Creek” was still churning out new episodes on The WB, I used my mom’s VHS player to record every single episode. To this day, I have a plastic tote in my home filled with VHS tapes of every single episode of “Dawson’s Creek.” 2. I have seen/own all of his movies. 3. I have a Google Alert set up for the latest updates on my love. I think I better stop there…I don’t want to be arrested for stalking.

While it’s pretty clear that Joshua is happy with his long-term girlfriend, Diane Kruger, they even wear promise rings (knife right to the heart). I think there is only one woman I would be happy to see Joshua with and that is Katie Holmes. These two ex-lovebirds dated during the beginnings of the Creek and they sadly broke up.

In an article with the “Mirror,” Joshua said, “Myself and James, who played Dawson, never got on. We were like oil and water; it might have had something to do with James liking Katie Holmes as well. If it hadn’t been for Kate defusing the situation I don’t know what would have happened.” Let’s remember who won that contest Van Der Beek. Here’s hoping Joshua will jump in and help free Katie!

Joshua – you are my boo. That is all.

Stuck in my head – Go Getta

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This song is perfect to blast in your car and cruise around town. People will look at you and think one of two things: “What a BAMF” or “What a fool.” It’s hit or miss. I think it depends on what kind of whip you’re cruising in. If it’s a Honda, you will be a designated BAMF, I know from experience.

When I first saw what Young Jeezy looked like, I was kind of surprised. He’s not what I pictured in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I would say yes if he asked me out. (hint, hint)

As for R. Kelly, I think we all know the trouble he’s gotten himself into in recent years. I also read that he is dealing with foreclosure issues and had emergency throat surgery earlier this month. R. Kelly released a statement saying, “Yo what’s up, y’all, it’s your boy Kellz, fresh out the hospital. Just want to say thanks to my fans for supporting me. I want to say thanks to all the prayer warriors out there for supporting me.” You can check out the actual video of R. Kelly speaking this message. He sounds like he’s having a rough time using his words. Could that be because of the surgical mask he’s wearing?

Anywho, I hope Kellz gets better to, one day, reunite with Young Jeezy. They do come up with some great beats together. My favises lyric in this song is “Ima Stay Thuggin Till Da Feds Come Get Me.”

Celebrity Top 3

Rebecca Black, homeschooled jungle freak?

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While it is “Friday, Friday, Friday…” Rebecca Black doesn’t have to worry about her class schedule anymore. She has left her institution of learning in order to be homeschooled by her mom. Why? The bullying she received at school was too overwhelming. An article by MTV said it perfectly, “When her hit song “Friday” went viral, so did the harassment at school.”

ABC News reports, “When I walk by they’ll start singing ‘Friday’ in a really nasally voice,” Black tells ABC News. “Or, you know, they’ll be like, ‘Oh hey, Rebecca, guess what day it is?” Oh how original kids! You couldn’t think of anything better? In my day…

Rebecca – did you attend a catholic school? I know all about that trauma. Not even Jesus could save you from some of the mayhem that goes on inside those walls. Beside the point, they are just jealous because you are friends with Katy Perry.

Breaking Dawn pics released!

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I am not ashamed to admit this. In November, I will be at the midnight showing of “Breaking Dawn – part 1.” I will stand there and try to control slipping into a rage blackout because of all the 12-year-olds screaming at the top of their lungs.

My personal opinion, they should make two separate versions of this film: the PG version for the screaming kids and their parents and an R-rated version for the adults who act like children, but are still old enough to watch Edward rip up a bed. But that is neither here nor there.

Where was I going with this? Oh! This week’s cover of “Entertainment Weekly” has Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart gracing the cover. I wonder if fights will break out in the checkout line at the grocery store for this magazine? More importantly, “Robert saved his “crazy” for the bed-breaking, linen-destroying honeymoon scene,” according to Access Hollywood. Like a boss.

“Lopez Tonight” = fail

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George Lopez’s show on TBS has been cancelled. On his show, Lopez joked, “Sony announced they’re doing a sequel to the Smurfs movie…so today I lost some work because I’m brown, but also I got some work because I’m blue.”

Umm is that ok to say on TV?

I know the perfect show to fill Lopez’s time slot…bring back reruns of “Dawson’s Creek.” That will boost ratings without a question.

I’m going to make a decision…decision made. I think TBS did something right.


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