Remember When…

Paris was engaged to Paris

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Yes, this was real life. No, it didn’t last forever…but God I wish it did. Just to recap: Paris Latsis is a Greek shipping heir and in his spare time, he’s a socialite. Paris Hilton is a socialite (to put it tamely), a businesswoman and was an heir to the Hilton Hotel fortune. I say was because in 2007, Hilton’s grandpa pledged 97% of the Hilton family fortune to the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation…o0o0o burn. Overall, this couple had boatloads in common.

Let’s hop into our time machine and head back to when these two lovebirds met. According to, “Hilton and Latsis first met as teenagers 16 years ago in a Monaco club, and in December they rekindled their relationship while skiing in Switzerland, over the holidays.” After crossing the 6-month relationship finish line, Paris squared got engaged in May 2005. This engagement included a 23 carat  engagement ring. I need a moment…okay.

Unfortunately, lady Paris broke it off a few months later. Why? She didn’t think man Paris was the one for her (sad face). Back to that engagement ring. Rumor has it that this ring was purchased for $4.7 million. After lady Paris broke it off, she did a classy thing and put the ring up for auction to help Hurricane Katrina victims.

If man Paris isn’t lady Paris’ one true love…then who could it be? Lady Paris- I know there is a city in Mexico named Tequila. I’m sure there is an heir just dying to sweep you off your Louboutins.

Lions, Tigers and Cougars…Oh My!

With another birthday on the horizon, it has occurred to me that my membership into the cougar club is rapidly approaching. For those that don’t know, a cougar is basically an older woman dating/hooking up/marrying a much younger man.

With this thought looming on my mind days before the anniversary of my birth, I have decided to highlight those women who have successfully cougared young, virile lads.

Sandra Bullock and Ryan Gosling – 16-year difference

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In 2002, a little more than practical magic happened when these two walked on set…get it? America’s Sweetheart and the perfect man starred in “Murder By Numbers.”

Obviously, Bullock and Gosling met while filming and soon after “Murder By Numbers” was wrapped the pair went public. This beautiful couple continued rendezvousing from 2001 until 2002.

From getting to know Ryan Gosling so well these past few years, you can tell he has an old soul. He also looks to be well versed at taming cougars! Maybe he took a class or something.

While it is said that distance broke these two up, here are my parting words to this duo: friends with benefits? Hey! Just a suggestion.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher – 15-year difference

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I think Demi pissed trillions of teenyboppers off when she took Kelso off the market…who can blame her? Even with the 15-year difference, they seem to be like two peas that live in a very expensive pod.

Meeting at a dinner in NYC and talking all night long, they began dating in May 2003. After two years of courting each other, the couple sealed the deal in a Kabbalah ceremony September 24, 2005.

Alas, even amid rumors of infidelity, these two put up a united front and are totally open about the fact that they have to work on their marriage. One of Ashton’s secret romance skills…Post-Its. Interviewed by Piers Morgan, “The type of romantic is, you go to our house, I have Post-It notes placed in various locations, all with messages of encouragement or love or just thought. Some have been there, I don’t know, seven years,” Demi revealed. “Post-It notes are much cheaper than diamonds,” Kutcher added.

Kudos Demi, you give us hope that we can find a former male model that we can call all our own!

The Cougar to end all Cougars: Cher

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You had to see his one coming. Cher has dated some beautiful young men in her time. Let get started:

Tom Cruise – 16-year difference. Yep, these two hooked up and God knows what else they did. Back in the 80s, Tom dated Cher…no big deal, right? In an interview with Good Morning America in 2008, Cher revealed that Tom wasn’t a Scientologist yet. The “Believe” diva described Cruise as “just the most adorable man you can imagine.” Cher, I would follow you into the pits of hell, but I don’t know about that one.

Val Kilmer – 14-year difference. In keeping with our “Top Gun” theme, Cher also melted Val “Iceman” Kilmer ‘s heart as well. In 1983, Kilmer was Cher’s date to the Oscars. Man, the 80s were good to Cher. Sadly, this star couple split up. I wasn’t the only one upset about this; Cher’s son was blue about it too. “I really liked him. He gave me a real Indian scalp that’s like 100-years-old,” said Elijah. I’d be pissed too, dude.

And the winner is…Rob Camilletti – 18-year difference. This is the stuff of great romance. According to a 2000 article, “On her 40th birthday, she met and conquered swarthy 22 year-old commoner and Queens ‘bagel boy,’ Rob Camilletti. Some say that was perhaps the closest Cher ever came to True Love.” Along with making a cameo in his gfs video for “I Found Someone,” these two lived in sin for three years. Cher – there is no time like the present…dig your claws into another young gentleman and never. let. go.

Is this real life? Part III

Heidi Montag “Blackout”

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For my final installment in the “Is this real life” series, I have chosen an infamous reality star turned (total) failed singer…Heidi Montag. While January 11, 2010 may have seemed like an ordinary day to you, it was a big deal in the Montage-Pratt household. Why you ask? Heidi’s compact disc “Superficial” dropped. The name seems more fitting after she got all that plastic surgery, right?

In my research, I have learned some fascinating things about this album:

  • “Superficial” took a whopping three years to complete
  • Spencer shows us his sweet rap skills on “Body Language.” Unfortunately this jam didn’t make it on to the album…bummer
  • It looks like it was all funded by Team Speidi and cost…wait for it…$2 million! Between that and all the crystals Spencer bought, no wonder the couple is broke!

The song I would specifically like to spotlight is titled, “Blackout.” It is said that this song is Heidi’s anthem to her love,  Spencer. I had trouble remembering my favises lyrics because I experienced an actual blackout while listening to the song for the first time. I braced myself and tried again.

Favises lyrics:

“I’m over the stories that we’ll never make it/When I think of losing you baby I hate it/Why can’t they see it’s between you and me?”

I feel like this song can compare to a person getting their significant others name tattooed on their arm or some extremely visible spot. To me, this jam is screaming, “we’ll be divorced in three to five years!” Remember J.Lo’s “Dear Ben“…it just ends in a disaster.

Moving on to the music video, you can totally tell Spencer was behind the camera. I’m not kidding…he directed this video. There really is no concept, its just Heidi rolling around on the beach and floating in a pool wearing her bikini. It’s basically a home movie. One part of the song that I would like clarification on is when Heidi states: “Black out the satellite, where should we run to?” Is that satellite connected to the GPS tracker Spencer had planted on Heidi? Just a thought!

I really want you to think before watching this. It will subtract 3 minutes and 29 seconds from your life.

Is this real life? Part II

Kevin Federline “America’s Most Hated”

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Well, this title hits the nail directly on the head. My first question is: who approved this?

Federline released “Playing with Fire” in October 2006. Surprisingly, all songs were co-written by the life ruiner. The album sold a total of 6,500 during its first week, debuting at number 151 on Billboards Top 200…o0o0o burn. To be fair, Mr. Spears did peak at #2 on the Billboard Top Heatseekers chart.

I will give credit where credit is due. It’s actually not that bad of a song. Now I’m not going to lie, I could totally see myself cruising around in my Honda playing this jam…if someone else was singing it of course. As a lifelong member of Team Britney, I just cannot allow myself to fully like this song.

Lyrics that I have a bone to pick with K-fed about:  

  • Droppin – nothin but heat me an JR” – Who the F is JR?
  • “I built a kingdom down the street from Pepperdine” – NO! Britney forked over the cash money for your kingdom.
  • “I’m on the frontline/Dodgin cameras like the one time” – You were only dodging cameras because you some how convinced Brit to marry you and then used your superhuman sperm to impregnate her, remember?
  • “I got my blue Yankee fitted on” – Okay Jay-Z.
  • “I got my name spreadin faster than crack” – Fine comparison.
  • “I got 50 mill/I can do whatever I want” – This is the portion of the rap song where I must pause before I slip into a blackout. I do believe that this 50 mill you speak of isn’t yours. You have not been hustling since you were 16-years-old wearing a catholic school uniform, standing on a mountain top and telling people you are “not a girl, not yet a woman,” performing live on the VMAs with a giant yellow snake around your neck, among many, many other things. Excuse my rage everyone.

Below is only the song, K-Fed only was allowed to make one music video for “Lose Control

Dear K-fed, I blame you. Listen to her pain. Love, Kari

Is this real life?

Happy Monday! I thought I would start off the week by sharing some tunes from the past. I have a few other jams that I want to share with you and didn’t want to overwhelm, so I will be continuing this post later on!  Okay, let’s do this.

There are tons and tons of people who try to break into the music industry and it could end up taking years before they finally get noticed. A pertinent example: Katy Perry, she signed with four labels before “I Kissed a Girl” floated to our ears. While some of these aspiring musicians 100% deserve a record deal, there are some that should try another career path…please.

Brooke Hogan – “About Us”

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For some strange reason, I was reminded of Brooke Hogan’s single “About Us” that the wanna be singer released in 2006. Hulk Hogan must have really put a lot of people in headlocks because this song featured Paul Wall. Maybe this jam is the reason that Lil’ Weezy didn’t sign the Houston rapper to Young Money Records…just a thought.

Now I won’t lie to you, I know the chorus by heart and if this song came on at the bar, I would be on that dance floor in the blink of an eye. I love this song because it’s so catchy and Brooke is rockin’ the shades with bedazzled lenses way before Snooki ever put them on (yes, I just took Snooki’s name in vain). Some highlights from the music video:

  • Brooke is singing with a grill in her mouth. That is some serious skill…remember when grills were cool?
  • Boxer by day, dancer by night….end of the video cumulates with a DANCE OFF! Side note: I’m still trying to convince my friends to learn a choreographed dance that we can bust out at the club. Since that isn’t going as well as planned, I am in the process of taking applications!
  • Not only does Brooke win the DANCE OFF! Brooke gets to take Paul Wall home…jealous.

Favises lyrics:

“I’m just trying to live but your all up in my grill/How’s a girl to breathe with all the media starring down my mouth/With a four inch lens I just wanna hit the mall with some of my friends” (Don’t we all want to just go to the mall, Brooke?)

Even though “About Us” peaked at #33 on the Billboard Hot 100, not everyone who has heard this song feels the same as me. Her music career sorta floundered and now I haven’t heard anything from Brooke that doesn’t involve her parent’s divorce or her mom’s creepy cougar ways.

Brooke – In the words of Mean Girl’s Kevin G …Don’t let the hataz stop you from doin’ ya thang!

Celebrity Top 3

Kat & Jesse sitting in a tree…again

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Welp that didn’t last long. About a month ago, it was announced that Kat Von D and Jesse James (cough…life ruiner…cough) have called off their engagement. Well yesterday was quite a day for our tattooed beauty queen. First, news broke that TLC decided to cancel D’s show “L.A. Ink.”

In an interesting turn of events, apparently Kat Von D announced that she decided not to film “L.A. Ink” anymore before TLC decided to ax the show. According to “US Weekly,” ‘I love how me deciding not to continue doing LA Ink turns into [the show] being ‘cancelled,’ she tweeted “Thanks, TLC. Regardless of everything, I remain grateful.”

While this announcement put Von D back in the news, she also dragged ex Jesse James back into the limelight when the couple announced that the engagement is back on! Since it was allegedly the long-distance relationship that was a cause of the split, guess that’s not an issue anymore! (coinkydink?)

“Sometimes you are only given one chance in life,” Jesse told People. “It was up to me to open my eyes and see it. That girl is my chance. I will never stop fighting and striving to hold on to her. Showing her how special she is, and how much I love her.” Isn’t that sweet.

Mr. & Mrs. Kim Kardashian

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If you haven’t heard because you have been living under a rock, taken up coal mining or your iPad is in the shop; Kim Kardashian is getting hitched tomorrow! It’s a pretty huge deal… we all know how long she’s been waiting for this precious day to arrive. I think Jesus really must be a fan of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” because he’s giving Kim a husband whose name is Kris with a K! He should have no trouble fitting in with the fam.

As expected, the wedding festivities have already begun. Last night the beautiful couple and 75 of their closest friends and family attended a rehearsal dinner at Scarpetta in Beverly Hills. The entire K-dash clan was in attendance, even Rob <3 wearing very expensive red sweat pants (Gasp!). Overall, Kim had a good evening. She let all of us know how great her night was via Twitter: “What a fun night w family & friends! Now I’m sleeping in late tomorrow!”

While there is extreme security measures lined up for tomorrow, that hasn’t stopped the media from heading over to the mansion where the nuptials will take place. I might even pack my mini camera and head over myself…call me if you’re in attendance. If I don’t creep my way past security, I’m sure Ryan Seacrest will compile 24-hours worth of footage. I see a E! special titled,  “Finally…Kim is married.” Good luck to the happy couple, see you on the honeymoon.

Mile High Club reject

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Okay, I completely understand when you have to pee and your choices are limited. Typically people pee in back alleys or the woods, but Gérard Depardieu really set the bar up high for those that like to pee in public. He tried to get away with peeing on a plane and not in the B-room. Just to recap: according to E! Online, “Depardieu relieved himself on the carpet after his flight was delayed on Wednesday and the flight crew denied him entry to one of the restrooms.” Grossy.

While Gérard hasn’t made a public statement yet, his friend is doing the dirty work. Edouard Baer, who was on the plane as well offered up an explanation. From a statement translated by BBC, Bear stated “Gerard was upset at this and offered to clean up the mess, He has prostate problems and it was very worrying and humiliating for him. He was also stone-cold sober at the time. This is not the way he usually behaves.”

Alright, I have a few things to say. Traveling is stressful enough; I don’t need someone next to me peeing! This would have caused me to experience the most epic rage blackout in the history of rage blackouts. There is also a apparatus called a catheter. You can Google it.

I also think that he will forever be banned from reaping the benefits of the Mile High Club (I would be so mad if I was him). I hear such benefits of being a card-carrying member include spending time in a nice lounge that is located at the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton International Airport.

That is all.

Stuck in my Head – ‘Wait Your Turn’

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I have no idea why I like this song or why I paid $1.29 on iTunes for it. There is something about it that makes me feel…dare I say…like a boss after it’s over. Rihanna does give us some good lyrics, such as “I’m such a f*ucking lady” and “I pitch with a grenade/Swing away if you’re
feeling brave.” We all know she can be one tough bitch, but why exactly are we waiting for our turn? Am I waiting for Rihanna to kick my ass? I mean I’d totally be ok with her doing so, I’d have much more street cred. Note to self: protect my teeth.

This video reminds me of an early 90s rap video…the way the camera is shooting her and the black, white and grainy footage. It’s reminiscent of a Wu-Tang Clan music video: Protect Your Neck. This comparison really hit home when Rihanna is standing in front of a statue, holding her crotch.

In the end, I feel that this song was way underrated, even though I have not one clue as to what Rihanna is trying to tell me. Maybe it’s a recruitment video/anthem for the Rihanna Navy?! Do I get a point for that?

Best part of this music video: Rihanna is wearing an eye patch. Check it.


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