Kari is finally ready to speak on this matter. I thought talking in the 3rd person would give my statement more clout…
Anywho…since the glorious news of Katie and Tom’s divorce (#TeamKatie) broke last Friday, I knew without a doubt that Scientology played a substantial role. Let’s be real…any organization that has an aspect called auditing is bad news…and that includes the IRS.
As you can probably guess, I’ve been reading every article I set my pretty eyes on that contains the following words: Tom, Katie, Suri and even Tom’s other children that no one would recognize passing on the street. What I’ve been noticing is that many news outlets (okay, really just E! News) are speculating that Scientology played a role in the divorce. All I have to say is this…ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Of course Scientology played a role! Katie is such a good woman that she even tried to get into it. Remember that time Tom pulled Katie Holmes out in front of basically the whole world right after he jumped on Oprah’s couch? My beautiful flower had all these awkward growths on her face from some Scientology junk they made her drink. WTF Tom!?
Another obvious reason as to why I believe (and everyone else believes that Scientology played a role) is Suri. Little Suri needs to be educated and Tom wants to ship her off to the New Village Leadership Academy in Calabasas where their teaching revolves around “technology.” Since I imagine Suri growing up to be a fierce business woman or a fashionista, studying technology isn’t going to benefit her….it will just derail her potential.
Since Katie and myself were educated by the nuns while attending Catholic school…I believe that Suri should experience the same. While I have my issues with the Catholic school system, I believe I am a better woman for dodging the ruler beatings, learning to say the rosary at record speed, working on my arm muscles by carrying that bible EVERYWHERE, etc. I believe it does instill some valuable life skills which Suri can thrive from.
Finally, Scientology played a major in even locating Katie Holmes. There was an amazing article written by Andrew Morton in the “New York Post” titled, “How Katie was Cast to Play Tom Cruise’s Wife.” The article basically outlines Tom’s and the Church of Scientology’s quest to find him a suitable wife. Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Sofia Vergara were all targets to be his next wife. I highly suggest you read the article and see all of Tom’s creepy ways. My favorite line that Morton penned: “Wives may come and go. Scientology is forever.”
My closing remarks are as follows:
1. Team Katie
2. TTYN Tom
3. If Tom gets custody of Suri…our world as we know it is doomed. See the popular film “Independence Day” for clues on how to survive.
In the end…
Katie – I’m here for you boo. There is a room waiting for you in Scranton, PA. My mom will keep you and Suri safe…Carol isn’t afraid to deck a bitch!
P.S. So excited to see what young, hot man you start dating next! The options are endless!
but it has finally happened!
First of all…#TeamKatie
Don’t worry…I have a theory as to why TomKat’s marriage lasted as long as it did. While I’m gathering my thoughts and data and putting them into the idea machine, I wanted to leave you with this photo.
P.S. Matt Lauer…you’re next!
Sorry I have been missing in action these past few days. I’ve been in the process of finishing up my master’s degree! Don’t believe me? I have the cap and gown to prove it : )
We will be back to our regular scheduled programming on Monday. Thank you all for being a friend.
And Britney…If you’re reading this…The graduation party will continue in the wee hours of the morning. Call me, I know you’re dying to get out.
While I was cruising home this evening, I heard a song by a beautifully handsome gentleman that everyone knows the lyrics to…whether you want to admit it or not.
Hint: “Let me be your hero.”
There are three things that pop into my mind when I hear Enrique’s name:
- Jennifer Love Hewitt screaming her face off in the music video for Enrique’s jam “Hero.”
- A beautiful beauty mark
- Leather pants
Enrique Miguel Iglesias Preysler graced us with his presence May 8, 1975. He was born in Madrid, Spain and you can never say no to a Spanish man.
Fun Facts about Enrique:
- He recorded his first demo tape on a cassette tape…remember those?
- Enrique’s dad is Julio Iglesias…he’s sort of a famous Spanish singer…okay he’s really famous.
- Enrique recorded his first album in Toronto
- This handsome man has released a total of nine albums and had completed six world tours…seven if you count this summer’s tour with J.LO!
- He’s been dating tennis star Anna Kournikova since 2001…no one really knows if they are a married or not…for the rest of womankind’s sake… hopefully not.
- Enrique is a TV star…he has guest starred on “How I Met Your Mother” and “Two and a Half Men.”
Out of all of Enrique’s accomplishments, there is one Enrique moment that always sticks out in my mind as the best…ever. You can view it below:
You can probably guess why I deemed this Enrique’s best moment in the history of moments, but I will tell you anyways. He was so, so close to my spiritual goddess The Legendary Miss Britney Spears.
Enrique – See you in A.C. boo!
In order to keep up with basically everything…I subscribe to Cosmo. I have learned so much from this magazine. For example:
- What type of BFF I am (the awesome one…obvi)
- How to scoop a man by July (still working on this one)
- What kind of sunblock I should wear that compliments my skin type
And the list goes on and on.
As a dedicated Cosmo subscriber, I was surprised to receive a postcard in the mail telling me that they have received a rush in subscriptions and I’ll be receiving my magazine asap. I was totally okay with that, until I read the other side of the postcard which said my subscription would begin with the August issue.
So Cosmo, what happened to the month of July? Does that one not count anymore?
I tweeted Cosmo a few days ago about this debacle…no response of course. Can someone explain this to me? I would like to know how this is a good business practice.
P.S. If you haven’t figured it out yet…I’m upset!
For my final piece of the J.Lo musical puzzle…I’ve chosen a song that isn’t even J.Lo’s. Yes, she is that powerful that she takes over songs that she is merely featured on.
‘Follow the Leader’
In real life…this is Wisin & Yandel’s song and it features J.Lo as a guest. Since J.Lo does not play second banana to anyone, many people (myself included) probably assume that this is solely a J.Lo jam. After I watched the video, I pondered the following thought: Who the hell are those two weirdys next to Jenny (from da Bronx)?
Those weirdys are Wisin & Yandel and they are described as a Puerto Rican reggaeton duo. These two have been around for years…since 1998 to be exact. Surprisingly, I have a personal experience with these two gentlemen.
When I was a freshman in college, one of my friends told me about this new song she just had to play for me and my roommate. The song was called “Noche De Sexo” and once I heard four seconds of it…I was in love. Along with being in love, I had no idea what the song meant until…now.
Anywho, J.Lo stars in Wisin & Yandel’s song/music video for “Follow the Leader” and kills it. Who knew J.Lo could do parkour and look so cool with a chest piece? Yet another reason she is my almost spiritual goddess.
Okay, let’s recap…
- Do not challenge J.Lo to any sort of anything…she will always come out on top.
- Get a chest piece that contains a Spanish word to impress others.
- When you follow the leader…the leader is really J.Lo.
- Learn Spanish in order to break into Spanish rap game.
- J.Lo and I do have one thing in common…when we are both on the floor, our hips are in charge.
J.Lo – See you (and your boo Casper) in AC aka the Vegas of the East Coast. Love, your bodiqua.
By now you should know that Tuesdays are officially Topless…I even wrote an official memo, licked a stamp and sent it to the President. Still waiting to hear back Barack…
Anywho…without further ado.
This past weekend my roommates and I watched the movie “Duplicity,” starring Julia Roberts and the handsome, handsome Clive Owen. Since the actor whips his shirt off many times during the two-hour film, I decided to share the wealth and post this topless beauty on my blog!
Even though Clive is a tad older than me…23 years older to be exact…I’m not ashamed to admit that I would do questionable things if I was ever in his orbit. Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t either…he’s from the UK for Christ’s sakes. Accents get most, if not all, women every damn time…that’s one of the four things I have learned from reading Cosmo month after month.
Clive’s career began with television roles and on the stage. Being in the acting game since 1987, it wasn’t until 1991 when Clive really turned heads with the film “Close My Eyes.” The film portrayed a brother and sister who were having a love affair. If that’s not a head turner…wait till you hear this gem! Clive did a full-frontal nude scene for the film…yea, that would turn my head too.
Mr. Owen has been in many films, TV shows and stage productions, but I want to highlight my favise Clive film to date…”Derailed.” This was my first Clive experience and besides starring Jennifer “prettier than Angelina” Aniston, this film is the definition of the term mind blow. Since I don’t want to spill the beans, I won’t go into the plot at all, but after you see the film you will be derailed along with Clive and Jennifer.
Sadly, Clive has a wife in real life…her name is Sarah-Jane Fenton and they have been married since 1995. If that isn’t bad enough, the couple has two daughters…Hannah and Eve.
Guess there is no hope for this bitch, but if “Derailed” tells me anything…
Clive – Call a lady!